As I received the phone call this morning informing me of my second set of betas, I was over the top thrilled to hear they were more than doubling and coming along fine.
As one might imagine, when you have struggled for so long to achieve a goal and you finally succeed, you want to tell the whole world.. and you want to tell them NOW! I have already shared my news with all of my online friends in my mother boards and a couple of real life friends I have as well and they were all super excited for me. I never kept it a secret that we have been trying for as long as we have, so its not like anyone I could/can tell will wonder if it was planned or a surprise.
I have planned on how I am going to be telling my mom. As I make jewelry now, I plan on telling her while giving her a birthstone bracelet that contains my son's and the one that's due. I had planned on going down to her house for the weekend and all of us telling her. Spending the day being joyous and just celebrating that we finally have another baby on the way.
Since my sister lives so far away, but is planning on moving back here in May, I wanted to go ahead and call and tell her. I expected her to be as thrilled for me this time as she was for the UNPLANNED one that resulted in my son. WELL, how wrong was I?? VERY. As I told her, her voice tonation didn't change a hint. She said.. are you kidding me? Really, well congrats I know you are thrilled. I asked if her wife was with her she said yes.. and that she sends her congrats... that was it. No yahooing or over joyment that we had accomplished this feat.. instead she was "surpised" that I wanted to so soon and that we weren't more financially stable.. last she knows we are fine.. but apparently not enough for her. So, I asked her not to tell mom and she said she wouldn't.. but now I am not so sure it even matters. I don't want to tell anyone anymore. Hey thunder?? Where'd ya go?
Call me crazy but I was hoping to get some excited reaction from the family we are telling eventually. I am thinking of now just sending my mom the bracelet and leaving a note that says if she isn't happy or can't be excited.. don't bother calling. I NEED this to be something people are excited for me about.
True we had an horrific year last year, emotionally, physically and financially. But things are turning around for us.. in all of those ways. Yes, I am pregnant about three months before I am supposed to.. but it isn't the end of the world and aside from just not holding on in there, I can't see anything causing this to not go full term. So, now I am all paranoid that anyone of the family we tell will just talk about us behind our backs or give a shit less about it and then "preach" about how we didn't wait longer.. well guess what I have been waiting over four fucking years now.. and its not like I am getting any younger in the meantime, hell if I wait MUCH longer I decrease my chance that much more. They just don't get it.. and fuck them if they don't. So yeah, they will spit out the congrats, but with no more enthusiasm than if I had told them I got another pet.
Well guess what? Fuck them if they aren't happy for me, there may only be a few.. but at least they are sincere about it. And that is better than none. I guess I am just asking too much for a little shared happiness about this. Its not like I haven't earned it for pete's sake!
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Still alive,, and soon to be kicking..
With last year's dilema and trying to stay above water, there hasn't been much time for sharing. Usually just enough time to get my to do list done, and still falling behind on that.
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
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