Betrayal is such a heart wrenching thing.. no matter the direction it comes from. Most times people refer to being betrayed when another person has committed the act. Other times maybe it is their very self doing the betraying to someone else. When I think of betrayal, my mind doesn't automatically go to someone or myself doing the wrong. Maybe its ironic that my mind works in that way.. maybe its not.
I believe that my frame of mind on this subject is probably skewed because of certain trials my family has gone through the past few years. How could it not? The betrayal I immediately think of is that my body has done to me. Most would probably say the acts I committed against myself. More specifically my inability to conceive for so very long. Five years for an infertile can be a lifetime or it can be an unknowing beginning to a much longer road of struggle. Either way, its a tough row to hoe. Its not easy by any means.
The ease and surprise of getting pregnant with my son was such a shock I naively assumed the second or any subsequent pregnancies would be as well. NAIVE being the key word here. I took so much for granted during that pregnancy,, a pregnancy that made me wholey miserable almost the entire time, the birth that wasn't what I wanted and the recovery of which seemed to take eons. While I cherished what my body was able to produce, a happy healthy boy, I wasn't prepared to go through that again very soon. I knew surely though when he turned two that I would be more than ready.. and I was.
I gained an ungodly amount of weight while pregnant with him. It was the first time in my life that my already overweight body had a "reason" to eat whatever I felt like and not have to walk around with my stomach sucked in.. another "reason" to have a belly. So by the time I had him.. I was at my highest weight at that point in my life and even after losing the initial weight .. it staggered back up to pregnancy weight and beyond. Almost 40lbs more than my weight the day he was born. OBSCENE weight.
I tried half hearted and whole heartedly to lose back down to at LEAST my prepregnancy weight all to pretty much no avail. As much as I wanted another child I had convinced myself that my weight had nothing to do with my inability to conceive a sibling for Austin, because I was a big girl when I conceived him afterall.. so it couldn't possibly pertain to my secondary infertility. HA!
After toying with the idea of bypass surgery for almost four years.. I decided that what's one more year of difference between our kids..as long as I was able to have more that's what mattered. So we went ahead as you know with the surgery.. and I started losing, much more than weight at this point, but I digress. Low and behold 9 months after surgery I got those two lines.. I was worried at first (way down deep I was worried)that my body wasn't ready to carry a child, would I have the miserable 9 months I had with Austin to look forward to again? Of course at this point I didn't care if I couldn't move the whole time.. I was PREGNANT!
Turns out that this pregnancy would not only give me the little girl we were hoping for but also the most uneventful pregnancy and HEATLHY pregnancy a woman could hope for. I am still about 100lbs from my goal weight... so we're talking about 100lbs less than I was before I was pregnant with Austin. Also turns out that apparently it was my weight that kept me from getting what my heart desired the most,, another baby. Complete denial is what some ..no strike that.. what all people call that state of mind.
As I breezed through those 9 months, in and out of uneventful OB visits each month.. the day I had been waiting on for years was finally here. It was completely surreal. Sometimes it still hasn't sunk in that I was pregnant and I have a baby girl now. My body is continuing to lose weight, its also providing nourishment for my baby girl. Its feeling better all over.. inside and out. I am able to do so many things now that I couldn't before, most of all take care of a newborn and a 7 year old.
Either way you look at it.. I have been betrayed by my body or that I have betrayed the body I have myself.. its been through a rollercoaster for sure. While some people would be so very thankful for the renewed health .. and I am of course.. somewhere else deep inside its not thanks that I feel.. I feel redeemed. My body, however broken and repaired its been has finally redeemed itself to me. Its probably finally thanking me for taking care of it the way I should have to begin with.. So while Thanks is something we both feel.. Redemption is the word I have chosen to associate what I feel. There are few things that make a soul feel better than that of REDEMPTION.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Now You See It, Now You Don't.... See It????
Sometimes the optimism a person can hold on to seems infinite. I, am normally one of those forever-seeing-the-bright-side-of-things people. My first reaction to most crises is usually that of a man.. "what can I do to fix this problem and make it go away?!". This was my instinctual reaction when my husband called and told me from the store that fateful day that it had been robbed and we were basically fucked. I calmed him and said that we would figure it out. Well we have been working it out, at another job. Its not the best paying job... yet... but we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth each month/week/day.
We tried our best doing what is supposedly the "right" thing by trying to work with everyone and get things taken care of. There was one company, however, that decided that no matter how perfect we had been, we were just plain ol shit out of luck.. and in the end caused our demise financially from doing the complete "right" thing. I hope that someone, on that cold plate of revenge I will be serving before its all said and done, will choke on the meal and die a slow painful death. We shall see..
At any rate, its kinda like drowning over and over.. coming up grasping for air and taking big gulps in small periods of "sight".. then the darkness comes again. You seem to wander mostly in darkness hoping to catch a glimmer of light.. and then ahead in the very far distance.. you catch a twinkle.. it comes and goes.. but its definitely there. As weeks pass you see it getting closer and closer.. its brighter and bigger.. then without notice, without any warning at all.. POOF! Its gone.
Where did it go? Were we just not paddling fast enough to get there in time? Could it not wait on us? Did it just move and we are now to find it again? WHY? Why is it being so heartless, when you are doing everything you can to grasp it. You don't want to choke it or hold it close.. you just want to breathe .. its your symbol of air.. its something you need to keep sane.. and as the light goes so does your sense of normalcy once again. The light/hole it appears to be.. is falling further away and deeper into the darkness. We all know that once you are in a hole getting out is so far beyond doing, even with every ounce of your being sometimes its like why even try?
But try you must.. cause giving up isn't an option. Even when you have it so bad you think how could it get worse.. you think about others who you know do have it worse.. and realize just how bad it can really get. There are things that you have to work towards, people to do for and take care of, yourself included. You must press on. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!
I try to tell myself that things happen in the time and place they are meant to. Why couldn't I have gotten pregnant when we were doing well and not having these troubles, or any mirad of other things. But fact of the matter is, I didn't, it can't change.. and for whatever its worth at the time, I am more than excited to be now and would never begrudge the fact that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.. it happened and that's what's important.
I do believe that on the other side of things there is a light waiting for me.. and I have felt the brush of the rope against me from time to time.. that rope ya know.. that is dangling inside the hole we're in. We'll grab it eventually and things will all start turning around for the better. I do know that one of the first days that will happen will be September 18th.. just 87 days away. That's when my baby girl will enter the world. The girl I have will have waited exactly 5 years and one week for. They will place her in my arms and nothing else will matter except all of us bonding together as a family and sharing the love that abounds between us.
That love truely holds us together.. cause if it weren't for that,, well there's really nothing else left that we have or can afford to do it for us.
We tried our best doing what is supposedly the "right" thing by trying to work with everyone and get things taken care of. There was one company, however, that decided that no matter how perfect we had been, we were just plain ol shit out of luck.. and in the end caused our demise financially from doing the complete "right" thing. I hope that someone, on that cold plate of revenge I will be serving before its all said and done, will choke on the meal and die a slow painful death. We shall see..
At any rate, its kinda like drowning over and over.. coming up grasping for air and taking big gulps in small periods of "sight".. then the darkness comes again. You seem to wander mostly in darkness hoping to catch a glimmer of light.. and then ahead in the very far distance.. you catch a twinkle.. it comes and goes.. but its definitely there. As weeks pass you see it getting closer and closer.. its brighter and bigger.. then without notice, without any warning at all.. POOF! Its gone.
Where did it go? Were we just not paddling fast enough to get there in time? Could it not wait on us? Did it just move and we are now to find it again? WHY? Why is it being so heartless, when you are doing everything you can to grasp it. You don't want to choke it or hold it close.. you just want to breathe .. its your symbol of air.. its something you need to keep sane.. and as the light goes so does your sense of normalcy once again. The light/hole it appears to be.. is falling further away and deeper into the darkness. We all know that once you are in a hole getting out is so far beyond doing, even with every ounce of your being sometimes its like why even try?
But try you must.. cause giving up isn't an option. Even when you have it so bad you think how could it get worse.. you think about others who you know do have it worse.. and realize just how bad it can really get. There are things that you have to work towards, people to do for and take care of, yourself included. You must press on. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!
I try to tell myself that things happen in the time and place they are meant to. Why couldn't I have gotten pregnant when we were doing well and not having these troubles, or any mirad of other things. But fact of the matter is, I didn't, it can't change.. and for whatever its worth at the time, I am more than excited to be now and would never begrudge the fact that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.. it happened and that's what's important.
I do believe that on the other side of things there is a light waiting for me.. and I have felt the brush of the rope against me from time to time.. that rope ya know.. that is dangling inside the hole we're in. We'll grab it eventually and things will all start turning around for the better. I do know that one of the first days that will happen will be September 18th.. just 87 days away. That's when my baby girl will enter the world. The girl I have will have waited exactly 5 years and one week for. They will place her in my arms and nothing else will matter except all of us bonding together as a family and sharing the love that abounds between us.
That love truely holds us together.. cause if it weren't for that,, well there's really nothing else left that we have or can afford to do it for us.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Oh yeah, Congrats.
As I received the phone call this morning informing me of my second set of betas, I was over the top thrilled to hear they were more than doubling and coming along fine.
As one might imagine, when you have struggled for so long to achieve a goal and you finally succeed, you want to tell the whole world.. and you want to tell them NOW! I have already shared my news with all of my online friends in my mother boards and a couple of real life friends I have as well and they were all super excited for me. I never kept it a secret that we have been trying for as long as we have, so its not like anyone I could/can tell will wonder if it was planned or a surprise.
I have planned on how I am going to be telling my mom. As I make jewelry now, I plan on telling her while giving her a birthstone bracelet that contains my son's and the one that's due. I had planned on going down to her house for the weekend and all of us telling her. Spending the day being joyous and just celebrating that we finally have another baby on the way.
Since my sister lives so far away, but is planning on moving back here in May, I wanted to go ahead and call and tell her. I expected her to be as thrilled for me this time as she was for the UNPLANNED one that resulted in my son. WELL, how wrong was I?? VERY. As I told her, her voice tonation didn't change a hint. She said.. are you kidding me? Really, well congrats I know you are thrilled. I asked if her wife was with her she said yes.. and that she sends her congrats... that was it. No yahooing or over joyment that we had accomplished this feat.. instead she was "surpised" that I wanted to so soon and that we weren't more financially stable.. last she knows we are fine.. but apparently not enough for her. So, I asked her not to tell mom and she said she wouldn't.. but now I am not so sure it even matters. I don't want to tell anyone anymore. Hey thunder?? Where'd ya go?
Call me crazy but I was hoping to get some excited reaction from the family we are telling eventually. I am thinking of now just sending my mom the bracelet and leaving a note that says if she isn't happy or can't be excited.. don't bother calling. I NEED this to be something people are excited for me about.
True we had an horrific year last year, emotionally, physically and financially. But things are turning around for us.. in all of those ways. Yes, I am pregnant about three months before I am supposed to.. but it isn't the end of the world and aside from just not holding on in there, I can't see anything causing this to not go full term. So, now I am all paranoid that anyone of the family we tell will just talk about us behind our backs or give a shit less about it and then "preach" about how we didn't wait longer.. well guess what I have been waiting over four fucking years now.. and its not like I am getting any younger in the meantime, hell if I wait MUCH longer I decrease my chance that much more. They just don't get it.. and fuck them if they don't. So yeah, they will spit out the congrats, but with no more enthusiasm than if I had told them I got another pet.
Well guess what? Fuck them if they aren't happy for me, there may only be a few.. but at least they are sincere about it. And that is better than none. I guess I am just asking too much for a little shared happiness about this. Its not like I haven't earned it for pete's sake!
As one might imagine, when you have struggled for so long to achieve a goal and you finally succeed, you want to tell the whole world.. and you want to tell them NOW! I have already shared my news with all of my online friends in my mother boards and a couple of real life friends I have as well and they were all super excited for me. I never kept it a secret that we have been trying for as long as we have, so its not like anyone I could/can tell will wonder if it was planned or a surprise.
I have planned on how I am going to be telling my mom. As I make jewelry now, I plan on telling her while giving her a birthstone bracelet that contains my son's and the one that's due. I had planned on going down to her house for the weekend and all of us telling her. Spending the day being joyous and just celebrating that we finally have another baby on the way.
Since my sister lives so far away, but is planning on moving back here in May, I wanted to go ahead and call and tell her. I expected her to be as thrilled for me this time as she was for the UNPLANNED one that resulted in my son. WELL, how wrong was I?? VERY. As I told her, her voice tonation didn't change a hint. She said.. are you kidding me? Really, well congrats I know you are thrilled. I asked if her wife was with her she said yes.. and that she sends her congrats... that was it. No yahooing or over joyment that we had accomplished this feat.. instead she was "surpised" that I wanted to so soon and that we weren't more financially stable.. last she knows we are fine.. but apparently not enough for her. So, I asked her not to tell mom and she said she wouldn't.. but now I am not so sure it even matters. I don't want to tell anyone anymore. Hey thunder?? Where'd ya go?
Call me crazy but I was hoping to get some excited reaction from the family we are telling eventually. I am thinking of now just sending my mom the bracelet and leaving a note that says if she isn't happy or can't be excited.. don't bother calling. I NEED this to be something people are excited for me about.
True we had an horrific year last year, emotionally, physically and financially. But things are turning around for us.. in all of those ways. Yes, I am pregnant about three months before I am supposed to.. but it isn't the end of the world and aside from just not holding on in there, I can't see anything causing this to not go full term. So, now I am all paranoid that anyone of the family we tell will just talk about us behind our backs or give a shit less about it and then "preach" about how we didn't wait longer.. well guess what I have been waiting over four fucking years now.. and its not like I am getting any younger in the meantime, hell if I wait MUCH longer I decrease my chance that much more. They just don't get it.. and fuck them if they don't. So yeah, they will spit out the congrats, but with no more enthusiasm than if I had told them I got another pet.
Well guess what? Fuck them if they aren't happy for me, there may only be a few.. but at least they are sincere about it. And that is better than none. I guess I am just asking too much for a little shared happiness about this. Its not like I haven't earned it for pete's sake!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Still alive,, and soon to be kicking..
With last year's dilema and trying to stay above water, there hasn't been much time for sharing. Usually just enough time to get my to do list done, and still falling behind on that.
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
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