Four days = number of days I am supposedly late. Yes, that's right. Although I am not completely convinced that I actually did ovulate, seeing as how I wasn't on any meds this go round and am technically on a break awaiting my pending consultation for bypass. Which leads me to Fifteen days = the number of days all my paperwork has been submitted and we are waiting on a response from insurance.
I suppose though that no news is good news.. as they only took four days to snap back a denial last time for the uncovered procedure..so I guess I can only assume they are actually checking the paperwork and will send the approval through when they get good and ready.. barring no account on those waiting on the answer of course!
Either way I believe I am ok with the outcome. I get to get skinny or I get to have a baby! woohoo .. who couldn't be happy with either of those choices?
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Angel Eyes and Angel Toes
Sometimes I can't get over just how precious my child is. It's hard enough to believe that he's actually mine, let alone have these angel eyes and these angel toes.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Another One Lost.
I feel bad for not having written in a while, but I tend to write when I have major things to talk about. Now I have plenty to talk about. Getting it all out is a whole other issue. So let's see what I can accomplish.
As I have written about earlier, it is quite obvious I haven't always had the best of friends in my life, as both of the ones I considered better than anyone, they both dumped upon me.. and eventually just dumping me altogether. There has always been one person in my life. We didn't start out as best friends.. rather we actually couldn't stand each other in the younger years of our relationship. It wasn't till the onset of teenage years, that we started actually getting along and leaning on each other, for everything. I believed that no matter what we ever said to each other or how pissed we ever got at each other.. that because she is who she is.. that we would always have each other. I found out recently, that isn't the case.
You see, this person, held a secret for a long time. Only one or two people knew about it. When I became privy to it, I too, held it in confidence for many many years. Because the secret was something huge, it was something I dare not tell a soul without permission first and foremost. During this secrecy, I had to be a middle man a lot of the time, and do lots of defending and lying for her. There are times I felt like it might as well be my secret because I felt like I was bearing the brunt of knowing the truth. At any rate, she never had to guess or question whether I would be there for her at the drop of a hat.. stop everything I am doing and do for her, or even rearrange my schedule if there was something she needed. I did this because I loved her. ( no, not romantically).
So many times over the years, I sometimes felt as though she wouldn't do the same for me. Don't get me wrong, she would help me out now and then.. but it usually came on the terms of what she could get out of it, or if it wasn't an inconveinence to her. It was always hard to think of her as selfish because I believed I knew her real heart. But looking back, now I know that's simply what is was.. plain as day.. pure good old fashioned selfishness. Again, though because of who she was, I chose to ignore that. So I continued to enable her to be that way, by never saying no to her. I continued to make myself sick with worry over her because of her decisions she made, you name it, I was always on call.
As we grew into adults and began to mature, the secret was eating away at her. I, of course, was still holding the secret within me. By this time though.. several people had become knowledgeable to the secret. The main people who did not know were mom and the grandparents. If maybe you haven't guessed by now, this girl of which I speak, is my one and only sister. My only sibling. I have married and had my child by this time, and we had moved to TN. So, holidays were now spent travelling. Splitting our time between families. She had found someone herself at this juncture, and we were all home for the Christmas holiday.
This was a blue moon holiday in that my husband actually got to take the week of Christmas off for his vacation. That isn't likely to happen again in this life time. At any rate, we decided to spend a few extra days at my mom's house, because a couple months later, we learned that my grandfather had prostate cancer. We wanted to make sure to spend extra time with them. So, we were there on Christmas day, and the following two days. Everything was going well, until she decided that she could no longer keep the secret, it had to come out. So, on that Christmas evening, she goes to our mother and tells her what it is. Yes, you are probably right, she came out. She decided that Christmas day was the best time to tell our devout Southern Baptist mother that she was a lesbian. Good thought process there!! Only once again, somehow, I felt as though it might as well have been my secret because she and her girlfriend left a couple hours later and left me and my husband and child there to feel the wrath of that news for the next two days. Thinking back, I don't believe I ever got so much as an apology from her for doing that, but then again, she probably didn't think she did anything wrong by leaving me to deal with her mess. That's just the kind of thing she would do. All the time. I can't blame her entirely , I did, afterall, enable her to treat me that way.
Things were good for a while, then her and her girlfriend decided to move 13 hours away from us. I did what I could to be supportive of all she did and who she was and what she was turning into, but in the end I realized I just couldn't. It would mean compromising and being fake with her, and I just can't do that. I am not wired that way. This comes on the heels of a few years of telling her no. The year before she moved, I learned to tell her no. It was quite freeing.
This realization has been a long time coming, and recently I made her aware of how I felt about it. She has hounded us to come and visit and is continually hounding me about writing and communicating more. The visits aren't feasable because my husband so rarely gets off of work that he wouldn't be able to go, and the fact that he works 80 hours a week, make my time with him limited to begin with. So I am not thrilled about just getting up and leaving for a few days. I do realize it wouldn't be the end of the world, but aside from the time factor, its a money issue to. I will NOT dip into our "cushion" or savings to take a trip that can wait. We had planned on driving up there back in May and surprising her, but my husbands vacation got knocked and he still hasn't gotten to take one.. here it is the eve of October nearly. Also as if you couldn't tell, I am not much of a talker, only when I have something to say. So that put the space between us even farther.
She has turned into someone that I wouldn't care to have as a friend. It was a rare conversation when she wasn't telling me about all the political things she is doing now and all the fights she's fighting. Well , good for her, but I have no interest and told her as much. She proclaims to be fighting for everyone's rights, not just the ones that are immediate to her, but I know she's not fighting legislation to make infertility treatments mandatory coverage by insurance companies, or is she fighting to work on the medicare benefits that are slowly dwindling, nor is she fighting to lower drug costs, to name a few. The only thing I know she is worried about getting her nose in the middle of is gay /lesbian rights and issues... which I agree with. I don't think it should matter who you sleep with or who you love to be able to get married or covered under insurance together. The ones I do have a problem that's she so political on now,, are the very ones that she has always maintained she would never support. This sudden change of heart isn't her own doing,,although she was lead to believe she made her own decisions,,I know who really put her in that line of thinking. Which again, is ok, its natural to take on the interests of your partner/spouse. The point at which I believe its unhealthy is when it totally changes who you are and you become another person entirely, a clone of your significant other. And that's what my sister is now, a clone.
So, after sharing with her my feelings of her moving and who she has become, mind you NOT ONCE did I demean or berate or call ANYONE a name or make comment on the status of her relationship with her wife, not only did she feel the need to come back at me with anger and avengence, with name calling and attacking my family, and my life in general.. all because I don't believe what she does and am not standing up and fighting HER fight for her,,her wife felt the need to do it as well. I can take a lot of name calling and attacks if they are directed soley at me, but once you cross the line and bring my innocent family in and call them names as well, then its a done deal. I no longer know the person I used to call my best friend and sister. She is someone completely different now. And contrary to her belief that she has changed for the better,, she has become a sad, sad person. I never for one moment thought the day would come when I would actually end my relationship with her, but that's exactly what happened this week.
I talked with friends of mine and mentioned to them about me being the common factor in all three of the failed relationships that I held dear,, and one of them said I am NOT the common factor alone... one of the other ones is SELFISHNESS. At that moment, I knew she was absolutely right. I began to feel better about who I was, because I gotta be honest, I was feeling like a complete and utter failure as a friend. I guess the silver lining in all this is that with each failed relationship, I minimize the recovery time. I am still going over thousands of things in my head that I wish I had said. I know though, that the day will come when she will realize her actions were costly to both herself and her family, and she will have to hope its not too late to make amends.
I just hope that she doesn't think I only need time to cool off after telling her not to ever call my number again, that what she said didn't hurt and close the door. So as simple as it is, she crossed a line that I don't know that I can forgive, let alone allow her to continue to be a part of the family that she smites with every breath. No, I don't believe so. Another One Lost.
As I have written about earlier, it is quite obvious I haven't always had the best of friends in my life, as both of the ones I considered better than anyone, they both dumped upon me.. and eventually just dumping me altogether. There has always been one person in my life. We didn't start out as best friends.. rather we actually couldn't stand each other in the younger years of our relationship. It wasn't till the onset of teenage years, that we started actually getting along and leaning on each other, for everything. I believed that no matter what we ever said to each other or how pissed we ever got at each other.. that because she is who she is.. that we would always have each other. I found out recently, that isn't the case.
You see, this person, held a secret for a long time. Only one or two people knew about it. When I became privy to it, I too, held it in confidence for many many years. Because the secret was something huge, it was something I dare not tell a soul without permission first and foremost. During this secrecy, I had to be a middle man a lot of the time, and do lots of defending and lying for her. There are times I felt like it might as well be my secret because I felt like I was bearing the brunt of knowing the truth. At any rate, she never had to guess or question whether I would be there for her at the drop of a hat.. stop everything I am doing and do for her, or even rearrange my schedule if there was something she needed. I did this because I loved her. ( no, not romantically).
So many times over the years, I sometimes felt as though she wouldn't do the same for me. Don't get me wrong, she would help me out now and then.. but it usually came on the terms of what she could get out of it, or if it wasn't an inconveinence to her. It was always hard to think of her as selfish because I believed I knew her real heart. But looking back, now I know that's simply what is was.. plain as day.. pure good old fashioned selfishness. Again, though because of who she was, I chose to ignore that. So I continued to enable her to be that way, by never saying no to her. I continued to make myself sick with worry over her because of her decisions she made, you name it, I was always on call.
As we grew into adults and began to mature, the secret was eating away at her. I, of course, was still holding the secret within me. By this time though.. several people had become knowledgeable to the secret. The main people who did not know were mom and the grandparents. If maybe you haven't guessed by now, this girl of which I speak, is my one and only sister. My only sibling. I have married and had my child by this time, and we had moved to TN. So, holidays were now spent travelling. Splitting our time between families. She had found someone herself at this juncture, and we were all home for the Christmas holiday.
This was a blue moon holiday in that my husband actually got to take the week of Christmas off for his vacation. That isn't likely to happen again in this life time. At any rate, we decided to spend a few extra days at my mom's house, because a couple months later, we learned that my grandfather had prostate cancer. We wanted to make sure to spend extra time with them. So, we were there on Christmas day, and the following two days. Everything was going well, until she decided that she could no longer keep the secret, it had to come out. So, on that Christmas evening, she goes to our mother and tells her what it is. Yes, you are probably right, she came out. She decided that Christmas day was the best time to tell our devout Southern Baptist mother that she was a lesbian. Good thought process there!! Only once again, somehow, I felt as though it might as well have been my secret because she and her girlfriend left a couple hours later and left me and my husband and child there to feel the wrath of that news for the next two days. Thinking back, I don't believe I ever got so much as an apology from her for doing that, but then again, she probably didn't think she did anything wrong by leaving me to deal with her mess. That's just the kind of thing she would do. All the time. I can't blame her entirely , I did, afterall, enable her to treat me that way.
Things were good for a while, then her and her girlfriend decided to move 13 hours away from us. I did what I could to be supportive of all she did and who she was and what she was turning into, but in the end I realized I just couldn't. It would mean compromising and being fake with her, and I just can't do that. I am not wired that way. This comes on the heels of a few years of telling her no. The year before she moved, I learned to tell her no. It was quite freeing.
This realization has been a long time coming, and recently I made her aware of how I felt about it. She has hounded us to come and visit and is continually hounding me about writing and communicating more. The visits aren't feasable because my husband so rarely gets off of work that he wouldn't be able to go, and the fact that he works 80 hours a week, make my time with him limited to begin with. So I am not thrilled about just getting up and leaving for a few days. I do realize it wouldn't be the end of the world, but aside from the time factor, its a money issue to. I will NOT dip into our "cushion" or savings to take a trip that can wait. We had planned on driving up there back in May and surprising her, but my husbands vacation got knocked and he still hasn't gotten to take one.. here it is the eve of October nearly. Also as if you couldn't tell, I am not much of a talker, only when I have something to say. So that put the space between us even farther.
She has turned into someone that I wouldn't care to have as a friend. It was a rare conversation when she wasn't telling me about all the political things she is doing now and all the fights she's fighting. Well , good for her, but I have no interest and told her as much. She proclaims to be fighting for everyone's rights, not just the ones that are immediate to her, but I know she's not fighting legislation to make infertility treatments mandatory coverage by insurance companies, or is she fighting to work on the medicare benefits that are slowly dwindling, nor is she fighting to lower drug costs, to name a few. The only thing I know she is worried about getting her nose in the middle of is gay /lesbian rights and issues... which I agree with. I don't think it should matter who you sleep with or who you love to be able to get married or covered under insurance together. The ones I do have a problem that's she so political on now,, are the very ones that she has always maintained she would never support. This sudden change of heart isn't her own doing,,although she was lead to believe she made her own decisions,,I know who really put her in that line of thinking. Which again, is ok, its natural to take on the interests of your partner/spouse. The point at which I believe its unhealthy is when it totally changes who you are and you become another person entirely, a clone of your significant other. And that's what my sister is now, a clone.
So, after sharing with her my feelings of her moving and who she has become, mind you NOT ONCE did I demean or berate or call ANYONE a name or make comment on the status of her relationship with her wife, not only did she feel the need to come back at me with anger and avengence, with name calling and attacking my family, and my life in general.. all because I don't believe what she does and am not standing up and fighting HER fight for her,,her wife felt the need to do it as well. I can take a lot of name calling and attacks if they are directed soley at me, but once you cross the line and bring my innocent family in and call them names as well, then its a done deal. I no longer know the person I used to call my best friend and sister. She is someone completely different now. And contrary to her belief that she has changed for the better,, she has become a sad, sad person. I never for one moment thought the day would come when I would actually end my relationship with her, but that's exactly what happened this week.
I talked with friends of mine and mentioned to them about me being the common factor in all three of the failed relationships that I held dear,, and one of them said I am NOT the common factor alone... one of the other ones is SELFISHNESS. At that moment, I knew she was absolutely right. I began to feel better about who I was, because I gotta be honest, I was feeling like a complete and utter failure as a friend. I guess the silver lining in all this is that with each failed relationship, I minimize the recovery time. I am still going over thousands of things in my head that I wish I had said. I know though, that the day will come when she will realize her actions were costly to both herself and her family, and she will have to hope its not too late to make amends.
I just hope that she doesn't think I only need time to cool off after telling her not to ever call my number again, that what she said didn't hurt and close the door. So as simple as it is, she crossed a line that I don't know that I can forgive, let alone allow her to continue to be a part of the family that she smites with every breath. No, I don't believe so. Another One Lost.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Its Unofficially Official
OK I know, bad me, for not posting earlier. I did the crime I will do the time! So, just in case any of the eyes that peruse my blog world were wondering about the arrival of the f'in bitch.. well she waited.. till I was officially three days late.. had a blood test .. IN MY HAND NO LESS.. and like the skies opening up on a cloudy day to drench us with sweet rain.. as soon as she said.. Sorry honey.. the test was negative.. almost immediately did she decide to show her face up for real. And so that's that! TTC Hiatus 2004 has begun!
So, in the mean time I have been mourning the loss of just TTC and the baby that has to wait. Staying busy this past week I thought would help.. but well I was wrong. While I enjoyed volunteering ( I am in the Volunteer State afterall), it turned into Is There ONE Woman That Isn't Pregnant in this school?!?! Yeah.. the answer to that is yes.. because afterall those who weren't were toting around a newborn! OMG! EVERYDAY!! So let me just warn, that if you are ending a period of your life with TTC to work on something else.. the worst place in the world to try and get on with it.. is to be a volunteer at an elementary book fair for six days and include the Open House in one of those nights. I did meet lots of new folks.. and for that I am glad.
In the meantime, I got my letter of request faxed to my old doc and today made a call to see if it was ready to be picked up, and low and behold it is. THANK YOU LORD! So with that being done, the phone call last week I made inquiring about the process of getting in for consultation will be started tomorrow. The new office gets you approved first then does the consultation so that insurance will cover that.. and basically talk to the doc and schedule surgery. So all that will be set in motion tomorrow when I drive into downtown and pick up the file and transfer it to the other doc along with all the info packet material. So my thinking is that with it only taking a phone call to transfer the approval ( per the words of the insurance company itself) I should be scheduled for a consultation at the latest early next week.. and then the surgery is 3-4 weeks out from that. So this ball is rolling people!!
It kinda freaks me out that its actually gonna happen. I think I will probably go around in a daze when I actually have a surgery date. Emotional won't begin to describe a feeling of reaching a life long goal you have for yourself. So I will probably be a nutcase the first few weeks. I mean this isn't like I am going back to being a normal average size.. this is going to it for the first time in my entire life. ALL THIRTY YEARS OF IT. All new ground. As much as it will be foreign to me physically, I think a lot of it emotionally will be familiar ground. I walked around most of my life with the attitude of a skinny person and with self confidence like you would never imagine. Its only been since having my son and my stomach muscles went all to hell from that have I actually felt my actual size. Times they are a changin!!
And so tomorrow getting the papers into their prospective places will make my next leg of the journey unofficially official till I get the call for consultation! Lots of vibes and wishes for a speedy process are wanted, needed and more than welcome!!
Ciao!
So, in the mean time I have been mourning the loss of just TTC and the baby that has to wait. Staying busy this past week I thought would help.. but well I was wrong. While I enjoyed volunteering ( I am in the Volunteer State afterall), it turned into Is There ONE Woman That Isn't Pregnant in this school?!?! Yeah.. the answer to that is yes.. because afterall those who weren't were toting around a newborn! OMG! EVERYDAY!! So let me just warn, that if you are ending a period of your life with TTC to work on something else.. the worst place in the world to try and get on with it.. is to be a volunteer at an elementary book fair for six days and include the Open House in one of those nights. I did meet lots of new folks.. and for that I am glad.
In the meantime, I got my letter of request faxed to my old doc and today made a call to see if it was ready to be picked up, and low and behold it is. THANK YOU LORD! So with that being done, the phone call last week I made inquiring about the process of getting in for consultation will be started tomorrow. The new office gets you approved first then does the consultation so that insurance will cover that.. and basically talk to the doc and schedule surgery. So all that will be set in motion tomorrow when I drive into downtown and pick up the file and transfer it to the other doc along with all the info packet material. So my thinking is that with it only taking a phone call to transfer the approval ( per the words of the insurance company itself) I should be scheduled for a consultation at the latest early next week.. and then the surgery is 3-4 weeks out from that. So this ball is rolling people!!
It kinda freaks me out that its actually gonna happen. I think I will probably go around in a daze when I actually have a surgery date. Emotional won't begin to describe a feeling of reaching a life long goal you have for yourself. So I will probably be a nutcase the first few weeks. I mean this isn't like I am going back to being a normal average size.. this is going to it for the first time in my entire life. ALL THIRTY YEARS OF IT. All new ground. As much as it will be foreign to me physically, I think a lot of it emotionally will be familiar ground. I walked around most of my life with the attitude of a skinny person and with self confidence like you would never imagine. Its only been since having my son and my stomach muscles went all to hell from that have I actually felt my actual size. Times they are a changin!!
And so tomorrow getting the papers into their prospective places will make my next leg of the journey unofficially official till I get the call for consultation! Lots of vibes and wishes for a speedy process are wanted, needed and more than welcome!!
Ciao!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)