Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Like A Caged Bird

I used to think I would welcome the down time to lay in bed all day and watch tv, and only get up to use the bathroom and take a small walk. That might be nice if it weren't forced upon you, but when you have no choice, its altogether different.

I sat quietly watching tv after my sister's mother in law left for work. I was in no way sleepy or thought "oh a nap sounds nice." I was reaquainting myself with my surroundings now that I could see clearly. It was still kinda early in the day. I called my mom again to check on A, but there wasn't much of an update. My sister in law called and asked what room I was in, she was coming by after work. That was still hours away.

I lasted for about an hour before the ants came crawling in. I was hurting still to walk around and get up and down .. or for that matter use my stomach muscles very much. So, I could either sit and feel like I was going to explode or I could push through the pain and get up and walk.. kill some time. I opted for killing some time and some pain. Every time I moved and thought of the hurt, I reminded myself how brave my little man had been and still is, doing his walking and getting himself better. He pulled me through so much, more than he will ever know. I couldn't be a wimp. NO. Not when he had perservered through so much. So every 30 minutes or so I took time about either laying in my bed, or on the couch or in the "so called" recliner that was in the room. NONE of which were even remotely comfortable.

The nurse said she had never seen anyone move around so much. I have had surgery before and been put under before.. but never do I remember feelings so anxious. This was assured by many was a side effect of the anesthesia.

The started me on my fluid intake and protein drinks. I had to get in 64oz of fluid every day and at least one bottle of the protein. I barely made that happen. I didn't drink that much before surgery and now having to sip on everything ALL DAY LONG was extremely hard for me. I wondered how I would get real food in if I couldn't get this liquid in!? I was bound and determined to show the doc I got it all in though. A couple of nurses drilled into my head that I wasn't going anywhere if I didn't and there was too big a risk of dehydration if I didn't continue to do so. So, I made it through that each day.

Around 6:30 that first night, my sister in law showed up with a basket of flowers for me, soon after that her husband showed up as well. I was quite pleased. They stayed till a little later and Billy showed up after work. He sat with me till he had to go home. Then I began pacing again every 30 minutes or so. Walking the halls, from chair to bed to couch, then all over again. They certainly couldn't say I wasn't moving about enough!

Day two was pretty much the same pacing. Feeling better as time went on and my moving was definitely helping. My mother in law showed up at the end of her work day and stayed till Billy came again. It was nearly 11pm before he got there that night. We didn't have much time to spend together and he had to split his time between me and A.

Day three was one that felt like it would last FOREVER. I tried to stay busy with the word search book Billy had brought me and I tried to call and talk to friends. I was missing my baby something awful by this time and the small updates just weren't doing enough. Billy showed up once again that night and stayed the night as I was sure I would be going home come AM. I thought that the doc would be coming around about 7AM, but being a Saturday I was quite wrong.

Finally about 10:30, he came in, checked on a few things, and released me. I was dressed and changed within 10 minutes and we walked to the front desk to get ready to leave. We were then told that she hadn't even completed the paperwork yet, to just have a seat and she'd be with us in a few minutes. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK Did they not know I was DYING to get out of here?!?! Finally she came over and went over everything with me and we scurried down to the lobby. She sat with me and waited till the truck pulled up and FREE AT LAST!!!!! Our first stop was guess where? You got it! VCH! I was hopping right along and went bounding through the double doors on his floor. All the nurses were like WOW I can't believe how good you look and well you seem to be doing! I replied with " gotta get to my baby!" He was asleep when I arrived so I just sat and held his hand. Billy had to get on to work so we had to leave. I was gonna try and get some rest and come back after he got off work that night.

About thirty minutes after I get home, the door bell rings. I had no idea who it could be so I didn't answer. It kept ringing and ringing. I finally looked out and it was my mother. She came in and said I am here to help you clean. Obviously I didn't feel like cleaning up much, but I can hardly sit and watch someone else clean my house. So I proceeded to clean with her. Nothing like getting back at it huh?

Around quitting time for my husband, he was stressed, tired, and worried about where all he needed to be. With all this on his mind and thinking about getting back to me and us getting back to A, he left the store, not realizing at the moment, someone was waiting for him to slip up. One of his employees, waiting for the right time. Thinking only of getting home, he wouldn't realize till the next day the mistake he had made that night before leaving. A mistake that wouldn't have mattered had someone not been waiting for just that.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Blinded With Fear

Leavning A that morning of the 27th was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wouldn't be able to see him for at LEAST three days.. what if something horrible goes wrong and I can't get to him? What if ... what if..??

Billy and I worked our way down to my truck and eased on over to the admitting room part of the hospital and noticed that several others were waiting as well. Apparently they like for everyone to get there thirty minutes before even the receptionist does to check in, as no one was due till 6! So we waited and that waiting made me even more nervous. I could turn back now.. but then all that money.. at least 500 of it would be theirs to keep. NO. We had waited this long, this could be the beginning of my dreams coming true. Eventually knowing that I will be a normal sized person. Maybe not thin per say.. but thin for me.. normal for the rest of the world. Finally, my name was called. I was taken back to the "ready" room. After a few minutes Billy was escorted back as well. I sat, nervously. The closer time came.. the worse I got. I had initially planned on keeping my contacts in, because I normally sleep in them, but decided it best to take them out. So, I was undressed and taken back. I held onto Billy for what seemed like only seconds before they were calling for me. I laid down on the bed and off I went.

Having my contacts gone gave me more anxiety than I thought. I am probably considered legally blind without them as I can barely see a foot in front of me clearly without them. So as I am being wheeled down to pre op, all I see are fuzzy figures swirling around me. I felt horribly lost. A couple different anesthesiologists came in to get my lines started. The IV wasn't so bad at first.. neither was the central line they put in my neck actually.. but from past experience I knew that when I heard them say, " we need to find an artery for the blood-gas" I tensed up. Those are atrocious things to have done. They had already taken all my jewelry and asked about my teeth, all that jazz, when suddenly I remembered I had two toe rings on! This about two minutes before I actually blacked out. They gave me a little sleepy juice to start me going out.. and then began digging for that blood gas. Thankfully I was almost unconscious when they started or I would have been screaming. It hurt, but I was too far gone to care.

I remember telling Billy that it should only be a couple hours or so. Where I got this information I have no idea. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ICU, where my doc puts all his post op patients, and Billy saying to me, "hon, you weren't exactly correct about the time of this procedure, its nearly four in the afternoon". I said, " NO SHIT?!" He said yeah.. it was supposed to take 4-6 hours. I held his hand and drifted back off.

At one point I woke for another few minutes and saw his blurry body sitting next to me reading, and remember feeling horrible. I felt bad because I had slept so much already that I wanted to move about and stay awake, then realized my mouth was drier than the desert and decided to do something about that. The nurse came in and said nothing for the first 24 hours. I began freaking. I was MISERABLE. Not from the pain but the pure discomfort of my mouth being so dry. It made it hard to breath right. At some point Billy left me to go be with A, and from that point on I woke nearly every hour on the hour, counting down the minutes till 7AM arrived.

Around 11pm I suppose the nurses had me get up and walk around the station. It wasn't bad really at all. Again, it was the dry mouth making me miserable. I asked what could I do to help with that and she allowed me to brush my teeth.. which I took advantage of and brushed long enough to probably start taking the enamel off! After I got settled back in bed, they provided these swap like sticks for me. Anytime someone came near me, I was waving that at them to wet again. They helped, but not nearly enough.

I only used my morphene drip all that night, to just keep me knocked out so I would sleep long enough to get to the morning. During each "nap", my worry system kicked in. I lay there thinking and wondering what in hell I had done to myself. I have totally screwed myself over. I will never be able to enjoy even the smallest things I enjoyed eating before. No more going out to eat, no nothing. I worried about getting everything lined up, bills paid, you name it. But most of all I was horribly concerened with where my eyes (contacts) were. I could squint enough to make out the large numbers on the wall clock that lay ahead of me. I don't know if that was a good or bad thing. I feel that if I hadn't been SO drugged at this point, I would really have had an anxiety attack.

Finally through the nightmares and blindness morning came. The doctor was in pretty early and seemed thoroughly pleased. My only concern at this point was ICE CHIPS! As soon as he left, which wasn't soon enough, she brought my a cup of ice chips. She was my savior!! That was possibly the best tasting ice ever. I could stay awake now and eat my chips. It wasn't long they were giving me this blue dye to drink and even though it was nasty.. it was heaven. Before I even finished that, they had taken my catheter out and were preparing to wheel me down to my regular room. We wandered through a maze of hallways when I finally arrived. I couldn't watch TV or read or anything. My first request was the phone number to VCH to call and check on A. Once I talked to my mom and got an update, I felt a little more relaxed.

It wasn't much longer when my sister's mother in law brought me my eyes. Bless her soul, again another savior! She was my first official visitor. We chatted for a while and I attempted to get comfortable. No such luck. Well, at least I could watch TV till it was time for the nurse to check on me. No longer blind, no longer in great fear. Time was at hand to start recovering.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Brand New Life, Brand New Directions... Part II

We all sat in the waiting room for the longest two hours of my life it seemed. Finally, the doc came by and said he was in recovery. Billy and I rushed back to see him. I sat rubbing his foot and playing toesies with his feet trying to lull him out of the anesthesia.. after a few moments he came around and saw us and fell back asleep. My mom came in and sat with him while we ran home to grab a shower and new clothes. I was feeling quite wretched at this point having not been home since we left for the pediatrician the prior morning.

They got him back in his room and we all slept that night. Well, I wouldn't say slept.. we were there.. with eyes closed from exhaustion..but sleep wouldn't be how I could describe it. The next morning the doctor came in to fill us in more thoroughly. It turns out it was exactly his appendix and it had not only ruptured but had set up gangreen!!! He explained that there was quite a bit to remove but that he successfully got it all out and he should be brand new in no time. We were looking at maybe a 5-7 day stay. I can't believe how horrible my baby must have felt with all that in him. He was so tough and strong.

Those 5-7 days turned into two weeks. His incision kept leaking quite a bit and he was so dehydrated from going without food or drink for the first few days.. his output of urine wasn't enough to satisfy the docs AND he wasn't holding anything down that well.. so when you can't keep food down you can't "go to the bathroom" either.. and all those things had to be in line.

If you have done the math on the days he was in vs. the dates of everything, you will have noticed that my surgery came during the time he was in the hospital. We had hoped he could go home the Monday before my surgery, which would have been the 25th, but we quickly realized that that wasn't going to happen.

At some point during my consultations and the immense amount of paperwork I was handed, I somehow missed or misunderstood the amount of money I was due to pay before surgery. I was TOLD I would need to have 500 dollars with me at pre admit on the 25th. About a week before surgery I had received a letter stating that my portion would be 1500 for the ins copay. Freaking out a little. Another mishap was that the doctors office failed to tell me that THEIR Fee would be 2000 dollars due before surgery.. so now I am frantic, sitting beside my sick child wondering if this is all a sign or not. How could we scramble together 3500 bucks in 48 hours?!? I guess the sign this was meant to be was that we did it. Billy and I were able to come up with all but 700 bucks of it.. and my mother, god help her, lent us the rest.

I tried at one point to reschedule the surgery as I didn't want to leave my baby and both of us be in the hospital at the same time, but was told that if I did that I would have to go through the ENTIRE approval process AGAIN. We all decided to just suck it up and do it. I wouldn't have given it a second thought if A wouldn't have been on the road to wellness.

So, Tuesday night, we all piled up in A's room and got ready to wake at the crack of dawn to drive over two blocks to the hospital I would be sitting in for three days. Five o'clock came we had showered and were ready ,, Billy and I left out, said our good bye's,, gave tons of kisses to keep him full till I could return, and headed out on the dawn of my New Life.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Brand New Life, Brand New Directions....Part I

Any planner knows that you can't always stick RIGHT to the plan.. but at least its there to give you some guidance.. and a truely talented planner.. also plans.. for the mishaps that will surely come along. Well, I had my plan in place.. and even made room for some bumps in the road... barring any huge disasters..but this time.. it was one disaster right after another.. NOTHING I could do to prepare for it.

A couple weeks before my surgery, going about my daily routines, only noticing my child wasn't acting "per his usual self". He was wanting to sleep all the time and not eating very much. He's a tough kid and deathly afraid of the doctor so any pains or discomfort he had would be kept to himself. I thought, as did a few friends, that he was going through a phase and would come out of it pretty quick. At the end of the first week of lethargy, that following Monday, the 18th, I had one of my other doc visits for prequalification and was planning on picking him up from school early because he had to go with me. The phone rang as I was getting my shoes on, it was his school, he was sick and had thrown up.. come get him. I was already on my way.

I get there, he's kinda pukey looking and call my mother in law to see if she could keep him instead since he wasn't feeling well. She says ok. He sleeps on the way to her house.. and right before we get there.. he wakes up and throws up. He basically lays with her the entire time I am gone and stays pretty yucky the rest of the night. I had talked with my husband on the way to his mother's and told him to call and make A. and appointment for tomorrow AM. He threw up a few more times that day and was just wiped.

April 19th, we get up early and head in. Still feeling yucky at this point.. I knew he must feel REALLY bad when he didn't complain about having to go to the doctor. We are finally called back and he starts complaining of his tummy hurting. Screaming bloody murder if you even breathed on it the wrong way. Doc turns to me and says.. we're gonna admit him, I believe he may have appendicitis. OK.. I think I can deal with that. Simple procedure, very common. The hospital is directly across from the doc office so I called my mother on the way over and as I pulled into the parking lot (I called my husband first and told him to come over right away) when she got on the phone I lost it and started bawling. "They're putting my baby in the hospital!!" She said "I will call you when I get into town to get directions... I am on my way!" And that was then end of that. She was at work and three and a half hours away. It was roughly 10:30AM.

They actually rushed our admittance a little cause I was freaking a little bit. Of course everything you always hear about appendicitis is HURRY HURRY HURRY.. get to it before it bursts! So that's all I could think of. They get him admitted and in a room. We go down for cat scans and x-rays. My mom was there at around 1:00pm. I lost it! HOURS later the doc comes in and says " we think its appendicitis but the scans are very vague and we can't really see what all is going on, we don't want to rule out everything else that might be causing his pain,, I want him in Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital." When I heard that last part, I almost lost it... that hospital is for SICK SICK kids, what's wrong with my baby?? He went on to say that I shouldn't get upset and he would rather him be there because of the care and equipment available that he couldn't get here. That eased my mind about---this much. Other family had arrived and came by during the course of the day.. and finally we were headed downtown to VCH.

We followed the ambulance there and everyone got checked and settled. By this time it was nearly 10pm and I had cried so much all day I could barely see anything through my contacts. Hadn't eaten a bite or had a drink of anything. Even if I wanted, my stomach wouldn't allow anything much to pass my lips. Two residents came in fairly quickly and we explained the history and they told us that in the AM they would run new cat scans and all the tests to pin point exactly what was going on.

The next day, all of that happened and several different times they came in trying to explain that it could be this,, ruling out that. That is was MOST LIKELY his appendix AND it had ruptured already. WHAT?!?! Shoudln't we get a move on people?!? WELLLL, they explain that since it HAD ruptured there wasn't a HUGE hurry to get it out and everything else was blah blah blah.. Either way, the surgeon would be preparing for his appendectomy with in a few hours. This being early afternoon, it was after 8 when they came for him. Billy and I stayed with him till they were ready to take him back and then began the wait.