Sometimes the optimism a person can hold on to seems infinite. I, am normally one of those forever-seeing-the-bright-side-of-things people. My first reaction to most crises is usually that of a man.. "what can I do to fix this problem and make it go away?!". This was my instinctual reaction when my husband called and told me from the store that fateful day that it had been robbed and we were basically fucked. I calmed him and said that we would figure it out. Well we have been working it out, at another job. Its not the best paying job... yet... but we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth each month/week/day.
We tried our best doing what is supposedly the "right" thing by trying to work with everyone and get things taken care of. There was one company, however, that decided that no matter how perfect we had been, we were just plain ol shit out of luck.. and in the end caused our demise financially from doing the complete "right" thing. I hope that someone, on that cold plate of revenge I will be serving before its all said and done, will choke on the meal and die a slow painful death. We shall see..
At any rate, its kinda like drowning over and over.. coming up grasping for air and taking big gulps in small periods of "sight".. then the darkness comes again. You seem to wander mostly in darkness hoping to catch a glimmer of light.. and then ahead in the very far distance.. you catch a twinkle.. it comes and goes.. but its definitely there. As weeks pass you see it getting closer and closer.. its brighter and bigger.. then without notice, without any warning at all.. POOF! Its gone.
Where did it go? Were we just not paddling fast enough to get there in time? Could it not wait on us? Did it just move and we are now to find it again? WHY? Why is it being so heartless, when you are doing everything you can to grasp it. You don't want to choke it or hold it close.. you just want to breathe .. its your symbol of air.. its something you need to keep sane.. and as the light goes so does your sense of normalcy once again. The light/hole it appears to be.. is falling further away and deeper into the darkness. We all know that once you are in a hole getting out is so far beyond doing, even with every ounce of your being sometimes its like why even try?
But try you must.. cause giving up isn't an option. Even when you have it so bad you think how could it get worse.. you think about others who you know do have it worse.. and realize just how bad it can really get. There are things that you have to work towards, people to do for and take care of, yourself included. You must press on. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!
I try to tell myself that things happen in the time and place they are meant to. Why couldn't I have gotten pregnant when we were doing well and not having these troubles, or any mirad of other things. But fact of the matter is, I didn't, it can't change.. and for whatever its worth at the time, I am more than excited to be now and would never begrudge the fact that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.. it happened and that's what's important.
I do believe that on the other side of things there is a light waiting for me.. and I have felt the brush of the rope against me from time to time.. that rope ya know.. that is dangling inside the hole we're in. We'll grab it eventually and things will all start turning around for the better. I do know that one of the first days that will happen will be September 18th.. just 87 days away. That's when my baby girl will enter the world. The girl I have will have waited exactly 5 years and one week for. They will place her in my arms and nothing else will matter except all of us bonding together as a family and sharing the love that abounds between us.
That love truely holds us together.. cause if it weren't for that,, well there's really nothing else left that we have or can afford to do it for us.
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