Lost Within Myself

I believe that most people walk around in their skins knowing, for the most part, who they are and are pretty comfortable with that. This may be a broad generalization for the population as there are millions who struggle with some sort of thing they dislike about themselves. I don't know anyone who loves every cell of their being. As a rule, though, I still think the majority at least have a really good idea of who they are.

I have always thought I knew who I was never struggled deeply about the "kind" of person I am. Recently however, now that my body is becoming what my mind has always felt it was all along.. I am not so sure. You see, as a big girl, well let's get right down the nuts and bolts of it.. an obese gal.. my mind has always made me act in ways that were cohesive with that of someone of average size. I have always thanked my lucky stars that I DO have a pretty face..to me that was something to work with regardless of what the rest of my body looked like. My personality of course got me farther than anything.. I am not a shy person and have always had leadership qualities that allowed me to blend with pretty much any group in school. One could actually say I was in denial about my body all my life, and that may be true to some extent, but I would have to argue that overall because I believe that I am who I am despite my weight, not because of it. Like I said, OVERALL, not completely, because there is no way how your body looks doesn't affect your personality traits. If you say that it doesn't.. then you're the one in denial.

Being pretty athletic and healthy all of my life as afforded me to maintain my "self esteem" if you will because I was able to participate in pretty much anything I wanted. If there is one thing I never let my weight be was an excuse not to participate in something. The flip side of that is that it did prevent some people from involving me in certain things because of their feelings on the issue.. not mine. Prime example being.. I was graciously skipped over for brides maid several times. I expected that in the back of my mind.. and it did hurt, but I guess I tried to understand. I didn't,, but I tried. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have kept my word... fat or not. It was almost funny watching them squirm with excuses however, when I called them out on it.

So for as long as I can remember I have labeled myself privately, " a skinny girl mind stuck in a big girl body". Again, this was accomplished by having that "pretty face". Speaking of that pretty face,, its changing. Changing a lot. When I look in the mirror I don't see the person I have seen for the past 31 years, I see someone else. I struggle with this because that "pretty face" doesn't seem "pretty " to me anymore. Friends have pointed out that its because I have never imagined myself thin, and if I did it was a skewed vision. That in fact, I am still quite stunning, even more so that my high cheek bones and lucious lips aren't surrounded by all of the extra padding. Maybe this is how I am meant to look, but it almost makes me wish that I still had some padding on my face because I feel like I look sickly. I realize, with the help of another friend that I would probably enjoy my look more if I were back to full health. Having my daughter apparently took a lot from my body and since having surgery I obviously don't absorb the nutrients I need without supplementation. I haven't been the best about taking my vitamins, but I try. I hate pill popping,, for any reason.. so its a habit I need to make. She assures me that once I start getting what my body needs I will feel better about that " pretty face" of mine. I can only hope she's right.

My face being of course the major source of contention surrounding my "esteem" these days.. all the extra "stuff" I have left over after having lost over 200lbs so far, I am dealing with OK. I expected that and was actually ready for that. I do have a hard time imagining the day I am finished with all my cosmetic surgery and being the "me" I have always been in my mind. I don't think I am anxious about it because it doesn't seem to be a real thing. Its still so far away to me its on the edge of my consciousness. So for the time being, I am just kinda of swishing along inside the exterior of my former self. Not really sure of what it will eventually be and will I be happy with that once its here. I am scared/worried that I won't be what I hoped for after all these years, but I won't go back to what I was. At my highest weight I was not in denial about being happy,, I truely was miserable. There was no escaping that. NO FEAR about returning there, my mind has left that place never to return. In fact, its almost so far gone that I can't remember how I ever got to such a place to begin with. Ironically I got to that place during the happiest times in my life.

While I walk around in the pool of extra "stuff" I have for now, I prepare myself the best I can to make ready for another baby in the future, then plan to get the final battle wounds from life long struggle within,,, and wear them proudly because of what they represent. I may have a scar that runs completely around my lower half and two scars along my underarms, and my inner thighs.. and even some on my breasts to put them where they should have been all along.. but the only person that will see those are me and the one person in the world that loves and cherishes my body right now as it is.. my husband... In fact he's the one that looks at my excess "stuff" now and says they are badges of honor. If ever I am fine with being lost within myself right now.. he is the one that I am lost with.. so at least I am not alone .. we'll come out on the other side together.