Denial can be a savior for some and a curse for others. For me, its my defense mechanism and my savior. I try to keep my denial to a minimum and only apply it to certain circumstances, but sometimes it does overflow into other areas. I stay in denial mostly about my struggles with this secondary infertility road I am travelling. It comes in handy when I have let myself become too hopeful and the truth is about to crumble my world. I live in a fantasy world for a couple weeks at a time and then the night before or a couple days out, I go on to changing my whole way of thinking.
The past 50 some odd days have been a rollercoaster between denial and realism. Day 28 of this ride seemed to be marked as the day of ovulation and although my temperatures indicated a possible egg popping.. the temp shift was never enough to convince me for certain. I had taken a new drug.. Femara.. which is supposed to be the equivalent of clomid but with less side effects. Well it has less side effects alright. They were almost non existent had I not been honed in and looking for them. So I went about my business waiting for my period to show up and she never did. I started having symptoms that weren't imaginary and things I hadn't had before. The acne started in and continued.. I was hungry every few hours.. couldn't sleep.. atypical cramps.. all those good old signs. In fact, I was enjoying the fact that I had so many new things going on with me that I had practically convinced myself that I had finally achieved my goal. That was, till last night.. when I went into shut down .. and began accepting that they would tell me my blood work results were that I had a negative beta and not only that.. I hadn't ovulated! Good thing for me I was prepared.. cause that is exactly what I was told. 'I'll call you back later to let you know about the next round of meds" nurse Ashley says to me.. "thanks" I say as if my heart hadn't skipped a beat.
The other thing that hurts my heart is that my husband really allowed himself to believe too.. cause he SAW the symptoms as well. When I called to tell him I was coming by, he was like is that all?? I told him.. "you can't be pregnant if you don't ovulate".. he was silent. Upon my arrival, you could clearly see how upset he was. It made me almost want to break down, but I stayed strong for him. I knew that if I showed how I really felt about it he wouldn't be able to move on and be productive the rest of the day.
I want to sit and cry all day long. I want to just get in the bed and just pull the covers up and sleep .. I want to sleep all day.. I mentioned today I believe I am sturggling with a bout of depression. I function normally.. but my body tells me it doesn't want to do anything. The sleepy's just wont' go away, no matter how much I get. It will pass though.. it always does.
I don't know what you would call my feelings about these issues. I have a hard time with people who dwell on things continually. I am the frame of mind that says.. grieve, take time for yourself, do what you need to do to move on.. but then MOVE ON. It doesn't even have to matter what it is.. just MOVE ON. And I know its so not that easy and everyone deals differently.. but maybe its because I have issues as well. I was abused both physically and mentally growing up, I have had loss in my life, I have been walked on and mistreated by friends and ex boyfriends, I have god awful self esteem and fight with myself daily to be a productive human being.. YET I don't dwell on any of that or let any of it keep me from being a good mother and wife. I deal on my own.. and mostly in silence. I mean good god why would anyone else wanna tackle those issues .. I mean REALLY get to the bottom of it all. There is a saying that those that consume your thoughts run your life. So, those things don't consume my thoughts. I have, I believe, learned to let go. I know they still reside somewhere inside, but they don't run my life. I may benefit from some anti depressants,, but I am so paranoid that anything I take my hinder my fertility struggles. Not to mention the fact that I have convinced myself I am strong enough on my own.. without their help.
Then again,, maybe its all just denial.
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