The past few days have allowed me to come to a few realizations about my life as it is now and what the next year will hold for me.. So basically I have broken it down into a couple of scenarios. These pretty much take up the next couple to three years of my life.
First off, as I have mentioned before, I am a big girl. Back around the time the bypass surgery was getting popular for overweight people, I was really wanting to have it done. My son was about 8 months old and it would have been the perfect time for me to get it done. We weren't gonna TTC for a while.. and the wait period after having the surgery and getting pregnant was 18-24 months.. So, I was gonna push for starting for #2 around the 18 month mark outta surgery. Well, we went for consultation and was told I was a good candidate blah blah..and proceeded to wait for insurance approval. I was told that it could be six to eight weeks before we heard anything... so I waited.. patiently.. and before I knew it.. it had been eight weeks. So I broke down and called the office and she said, we haven't heard anything. So I called the insurance company itself and they told me they haven't received anything from the doctors office other than the consultation claim, which they paid. Also during her time with me on the phone, she said that the procedure wasn't covered. Well that dashed all my hopes right there.. so I gave up on the idea of ever having that done. That I would struggle with my weight the rest of my life. Whether I was big or small and struggling to not gain back an ounce. So, I moved on.
In fact, we moved on. Moved back (for my husband) to TN. Went on about our business and a new year came rushing to greet us. Only a few weeks before the new year, my husband was informed that they would be switching insurance companies effective January 1st. It didn't even dawn on me what this could mean. Actually, it took a little time before I realized it. So, in my curiosity, I looked at the online coverage they provided. GUESS WHAT?!?! The procedure was covered!! OMG! Now what? I am scared. I think I have reconsidered. Let's not rush into anything. Let's plan.. yeah.. that's what we'll do.. we'll plan first. I am a planner afterall.
I can't decide what I want to do. I think I want to try and do it myself. So about the time I started exercising daily, I finally convinced my husband to start trying for our second child. We decided that since I was UNdecided about surgery, that we would try to have a baby first then have the surgery afterwards. That way they wouldn't be so far apart in ages. Well those that have read my journey know I never imagined I would be sitting here three years later.. no sibling, no baby. Well, last fall, I decided to quit charting and quit obsessing and go to a doc here and see where I stood on getting the surgery. After that meeting, I called two weeks later, and was told that the procedure I wanted/needed wasn't covered, but the other one, was. So, unsure of what to do, I put them off and said I would call when I had decided. They are still waiting on my call..
So, the past two cycles have given me hope that I will be having a child in the early months of next year. But knowing that my time on clomid is drawing to an end, I , well WE, have decided that if I am not pregnant this cycle, we are gonna stop and go in and have the surgery. The whole reality of that scares the shit out of me. In my mind I have never been able to comprehend my body being of normal average weight, only in my dreams. The fact that it could actually happen has me dumbfounded. There are so many things that scare me in regard to this surgery that its taken time for it to sink in. Which it still hasn't totally.. but its getting there.. and I am starting to look forward to it.
If I have surgery in the next couple months, that means that by this time next year I will be considerably smaller and closer to begin ttc again. Which hopefully the weight loss in itself will fix a lot of my fertility problems and I will get a nice quick surprise. We can hope right?!?
The other scenario that has my life planned for a good while is that I am successful this time and we do manage to get pregnant,,I will have a late April/May baby.. then I could schedule surgery for six months post partum.. and begin my "new body" life then.
So now that I come to terms with what this cycle and the next few months hold for me.. I am at a point that I can't make heads or tails of my feelings. I want so desperately to have a child that I can't see past that sometimes. On the other hand, I want desperately to have surgery and when I do have another baby, be able to see my belly grow along the way.. as it is now, no one would be able to tell I was pregnant unless they could spot the pregnant waddle. But the advantage to no one being able to tell means I can hide it from certain people (some family) for as long as I wanted. So in an effort to be at peace with whatever happens at the end of this cycle, I have decided to focus on something else. A paper route.
Yes, you heard me, a paper route. See, I guess you may have guessed, or not, that I don't work outside the home. I am a stay at home mom (sahm). I have a bachelors degree that I don't use, and could if I just went to take the state boards for certification,,, to teach K-8. My theory /belief is that I want to have my family and get them in school first then work on my career. Because if I had waited to have kids till I was older, I might not be able to conceive. Yes, a lot of women go that route and that's fine for them..I just know specifically now, what I have going against me, would only be made worse as I age. And the fact that I been allowed to stay home and live comfortably on my husband's income, makes me very blessed. Trust me, I don't take that for granted. I say/give thanks every day for that. I know how many women would love to be in my shoes.
In a week, my son will enter kindergarten, and I will once again find myself alone during the day to do whatever chores begs of me that day. I have been thinking now for some time, that once he started I would like to find a little part time job somewhere for a little extra money. Maybe just live off my check and not touch my hubands in the bank, his would pay the bills, mine would be living money. I want to feel like I contribute a little more to the house. So, one of my husbands co workers used to do a paper route before he came in every morning, and now his wife does one. So I started thinking that that sounded like a pretty good idea. I would have to sacrifice sleeping at night with my husband, but at the same time, I wouldn't lose any quality time spent with him. So it would work. My only thing now is how in the world am I gonna temp?!?! LOL I will figure something out I am sure, but hey, if anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to do this.. please let me know.
So, I have my paper route to look forward to, the end of this cycle to see if I get a bfp, or moving on with surgery in the next couple months. I have been uneasy about it all for a couple days, but now that I have something in my mind that is set, I look forward to all the possibilities that my immediate future holds for me.
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