Well, here I am.. about to spill my soul out into the world. You can thank the title of my little blog to my beloved husband.. who thought that while I am pouring my heart out, and it will for the most part be shadows on MY soul persay.. but by wording on THE soul it wouldn't estrange any potential readers who have felt the same thing.. kinda making it a kinship of sorts.. And if you don't agree with that.. I just thought it was kinda cool as well. HA!
So this was created more or less as an outlet.. as most blogs are.. for me to be able to spew forth my daily goings-on and just basically get them off my chest. I have other blogs for your reading pleasure that depict my writing in story form of peices of my life and another one that is a baby book of sorts that entails the story of my son's life. But enough about that... let's get down to the meat and potatoes of the real reason I felt persuaded to write a daily blog.
You see, as many women out in blogland can relate.. I, too, have been struggling with trying to conceive a child for almost three years now. So to give a brief ( as possible) synopsis of the first 29 months of my journey down this road..
I was referred to my Dr. by my sister in law. She had struggled for many years to get and keep a baby.. and in the process buried three babies that never made it to term.. but far enough along to actually have a burial process.. so finally she with his help and another doc he enlisted.. was able to conceive and carry to term and have a healthy baby girl via c section taken several days early. My neice has just turned 3. So how could I go wrong right??
Well my first appt with him concerning our start of ttc (trying to conceive) was on a day in history .. that no one in America is going to forget any time soon.. You got it.. Sept 11, 2001. That day not only marked the attack on America, it marked our journey in beginning to make our son a big brother.
First visit.. went great.. did an exam.. told me I should be pregnant in no time.. to come back in three months if I wasn't pregnant already and we would go from there.. So I started out.. all ready and able to get pregnant right of the bat.. oh me me me.. how silly and naive I was. Three months came and went.. and I was back in his office,, where upon this time.. he says that I am probably suffering from PCOS, because of my annovulatory cycles and LONG cycles.. ( I should add that before going for that first visit, I had not had a period since Dec the previous year.. so yeah.. going on 9 months with out a visit from the witch!).. So he said.. start charting so we can get an idea of what's going on.. and gave me some more prometrium to get me started and bring on the witch. "Take these and come back in three months!"
Three months came and went. I go strolling into his office again.. chart in hand.. I was so clueless about charts and what coverlines were and how to actually tell from my temps that I had ovulated.. He took a two second glance at it and told me yep.. you're annovulatory.. Try doing a low carb diet and getting into ketosis and staying on that.. try losing about 30lbs (oh i should probably mention I am a big girl.. and 30lbs.. well that's like nothing in my world.. anyways,, I digress).. and keep charting and come back in another three months.. These "three month trips" were actually closer to 4 months.. so the next time I returned to him I would be approaching the year mark of screwing my brains out and depriving my husband of getting to "unload" anywhere but in "the bank".. and yes.. that means no porn tit shots or facial shots. He survived, grumbling occassionally.. but he survived.
Well the TTC anniversary came and went.. and the next year was pretty much the same routine.. only he gave me metformin/glucophage to take for the pcos, the pcos that was not confirmed with a blood test btw, and so the stomach rage ensues. Now, metformin is a nasty drug to some.. and me being one of them,, it makes you afraid to leave your house for fear of needing the closeness of your own bathroom. Any type of drug that can "help" you lose weight gives me this reaction.. therefore why I have never taken any weight loss pills.
So when I go into one of my three month appointments, he asks about the metformin and how that's treating me.. and I say.. its the devil reincarnate.. he suggests another drug and says that its more expensive but won't have the side effects or "weight loss help" of the metformin. I say sign me up! This awesome drug he rx'd for me was Avandia.. nothing to do with ttc.. its a diabetic drug.. supposedly to help with the insulin issue I had going on without side effects. So off I go with my new 'script and I am on my merry way! After picking up these and reading the insert for side effects,, it said.. may cause ovulation in women who don't normally do so and risk of pregnancy may occur. Well HOT DAMN!! That's just what I wanted to hear.. so praise the lord.. I have hope!!
Well that elation came and went along with a few more months of NO BABY!! I started taking this crap in late '02.. and I thought it was working.. but still no ovulation and at one point I felt like maybe I did.. and it was drawing in on another three month cycle.. and time for me to take another round of prometrium (which I have been taking every three months to bring on the witch).. Now normally.. I take the 12 pills,, one per day for 12 days.. and the witch shows up roughly 3-4 days after the last pill.. Only when I took it in January of '03.. she didn't show.. and she didn't show.. and still she's absent.. So I take a test.. I see a FAINT FAINT FAINT line... I decide to wait some more.. take another one two days later.. still a faint faint line.. Ok folks I am 9 days out of that last pill and worried.. this isn't like me.. So that night.. she shows.. sneaks in like a thief in the night.. and she parties for NINE FUCKING DAYS!!! I have never bled that long or that bad.. or cramped so horribly. After a week of agony, I called in and asked to have a beta test done to see if it was possible I was miscarrying.. I go in on day 8 of Red River Run '03, and she calls me up the next day.. OF COURSE I have stopped bleeding now.. and says it was neg.. and at least it wasn't what we thought it might be.. but I am not convinced.. I think it was just to late to detect. Ever since I started this agonizing journey .. EVERY test I have taken was so white in the test window it was almost blinding it was so white. So no, I am not convinced that TWO tests would give me faint lines and me cramp and bleed for as long as I did was not what we thought it might be.. quite the contrary.. I believe it was a "missed miscarriage" .. I feel it in my bones.
So for the remainder of '03, he said.. just come in every SIX months unless something happens.. oh and lose some weight! Well I did all of the above.. and that summer after the urging of my interent circle of ttc buddies, to get my levels checked.. since after all this time.. he hasn't done ANYTHING to test for what might be wrong... I do.. and oh wow.. guess what they came back fabulous!! The nurse even said.. these numbers indicate someone much younger than you.. so this isn't the problem! OH YEA!! Now where's my freaking baby at?!?!
As the two year mark rolled around.. I decided to quit obsessing and charting and just let things kinda happen naturally IF they were gonna happen.. and so I went and signed myself up at Curves and began working out relentlessly 3 or more times a week.. and hey in two months.. I lost 27 inches!! Yay me! Well in the process of working out.. One day I was doing errands and couldn't shake this gawd awful cramping I was having on my lower left abdomen.. I said to myself.. I better be popping a freaking egg for this pain!! So, upon this I called my doc and told him what I thought was happening and that if I started in two weeks could I PLEASE try clomid to maybe make it stronger. Well I started in two weeks on the nose.. very very light the whole time.. but by god I started.. which means that I ovulated!! Albeit a WEAK one I did!! Well he rx'd me 50mg of clomid and said call if you get a pos or your period.. Well 50mg wasn't cutting it. So I continued to work out and go about my life. After that light witch visit my three month time frame was upon us again and I asked for more prometrium and more clomid.. only this time I wanted to bump up the dosage to 100mg.. but he wasn't hearing any of that. ( oh i forgot to mention that I asked for an HSG test upon which he replied.." those are hard to do on someone your size and it won't matter if your tubes are clear or not if you aren't ovulating") Well that was in February of this year.. and that was the last straw.. I was getting a second opinion if it killed me.. I refuse to believe that my weight was the only factor keeping me from gettng pregnant.. I mean hell I have a child already.. and I wasn't small when I got pregnant with him!!
So he did give me the 'scripts for prometrium and another round of 50mg.. and I took them.. blah blah blah.. same ol song and dance.. So I made an appt with a new doctor.. and that's where I will pick up with part 2. As the carpal tunnel that was so blessedly bestowed upon me during my first pregnancy has decided to stick around and bug me now and again.. is wreaking havoc on my wrists and hands as I type. Next time we get to the good stuff!
Stay tuned~Rainfairy
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