How many of us turn to music as a place of solitude in our worst of moods and even in our best? I do. No doubts about it. I can be in the most gawd awful mood or depressed even and pop in one of my fave CD's and blare it as loud as possible and put the windows down and just drive. Somehow this rebirth usually only happens when I am driving.
Today, I got up early to drive to meet my mother at our half way point because she had bought her grandson some school clothes (she always hits the sales.. I never know they are even happening). So we climb in my truck, oh how I love my truck,, my Trailblazer to be exact,, I can't believe its even mine. I have wanted one of these since they came out.. and never thought I would own one.. and here I sit, the owner of a Trailblazer! woohoo!! Anyways, our other car is what DH drives to work and the truck is what I tool around town in for errands and taking DS to ball practice and starting Monday.. to school. He, however, took the truck to work with him yesterday cause I didn't have anywhere to go. Well.. normally when I get back into the truck after he has driven it I get blasted with whatever CD he has been listening to, which, normally doesn't bother me,, cause they are generally mine anyways. The funny thing about it sometimes though is that he listens to one of my two fave bands, which he "pretends" not to like because I think the lead singer is hot! Well that was the CD that was playing when we hopped in this AM. So I listen all the way through and decide to put in my other fave band and jam to that.
I realize half way through one of my favorite tracks that this song says everything about how I feel about my body failing me for the past three years in this baby business. I am going to share a verse and chorus with you.. and when you read, just picture the "she" as my body,, as it were. ok.. here goes:
She said I am only telling half of it
That's probably cause its only half worth telling
And every time I try to laugh it off
Thats when we turn around and wind up yelling
When am I gonna learn?
Why? Cause I am tired of hating
When will it be your turn?
Why? Cause I am tired of waiting
I Don't.. I Don't.. I Don't
No I don't find faith in your false feelings
Not fooled by your misleadings
Won't buy this line your selling
Tired of this lie your telling
No I won't,, I don't.. I won't do this anymore
Now to give credit where credit is due.. those are partial lyrics to Nickelback .. and ironically enough the title of that CD is THE LONG ROAD! who knew?? Certainly not me..
For some reason, today singing along with those lyrics only made me think of how those words are so perfect to say to my body.. All the false hope I have had about having ovulated all those times, all those misleading symptoms.. the lie it keeps telling me that next month will be the month.. and yeah.. she's right.. this story does only seem half worth telling sometimes. I am really really truely tired of waiting and hating. As if I could avoid it without being a recluse in my own home, which I do tend to be sometimes, just for the avoidance of walking into the openess where there are other women walking about as they please.. all kinds of pregnant and rotund with their ever expanding bellies, count em.. I saw THREE today in less than two minutes of entering the restuarant where I met my mom. Normally I look them in the face, try to get a vibe about whether or not they appreciate this gift they have been given,, and how many other times they have had it.. but today.. not today.. I couldn't even look at the first one above their knees..
Alas, even as I entered the world today, I did come home feeling better having jammed ( yes I know this word is SOOO 80's.. but it fits ..) both of my fave CD's.. all the way there and back.. and having my son say.. TRACK 1 AGAIN! or TRACK 6 AGAIN! Or any other song that caught his attention we would replay it a couple times, till I could persuade him to move on to the next,, ya know.. give it a try.. you might like it too! I managed to gain my senses again.. and feel.. at least for the time being.. whole again.
The past few days have just been utter misery. I think that the impending failure of this cycle brings so much more afterwards that I have just made myself a wreck. I swear, if the wind blew the wrong way on me this week, I cried. Yes.. I am still sane enough to realize that this is probably just the clomid working overtime, but again it sucks ass! So this week in tow, I have seen better days.. and hope that next week holds something better for my emotional frailty.
On a brighter note, I know I haven't talked much about my son, but bear with me while I do a little braggin. Please note I am NOT a big time mommy bragger, so this is one of the few times that you will even hear me talk about the wonder that is my child. First off, I know that all parents are biased about their own children.. which is FINE.. no biggie.. but I really do try to be objective about his capabilities and knowledge. So that being said, a little learning history about him. He was efficient at surfing the web by 18 months( yes I typed in the address but he navigated his way through the site). As he turned two, we found that he could read certain sight words/action words that he used online. By two and a half he had an incredible list of words that he could read, oh and lets not forget numbers at least to 100. With little to no prodding, using only the computer and watching buttloads of pbs kids, he taught himself how to read and started on spanish just last year.. by himself. He's also got a bright spot for doing elementary math. He starts Kindergarten on Monday, and while my heart breaks that he grew up so fast,, I know he will be totally in the environment that he loves..he LOVES to learn.. and I love that. I already have expected that teachers would take notice of this fairly quickly (as was proven to me by his first three days in pre school in which I was told to GET THIS CHILD TESTED!) and so I went about making a call to the school and talked to someone about his grade placement and what would be done when it was obvious that he was advanced in these areas. Check! Well, as he is always amazing me with his wit and charm and undying love, we were sitting at the dinner table last night and had hamburger steaks to eat. I have to have Worchestershire Sauce with mine or it just isn't worth eating. Being the curious soul he is.. he asked me what kind of sauce that was.. so I showed him the word and told him to try and read it. I kinda winked at my husband and we grinned knowing that he would give it his best effort but would surely come up with some gobbilty gook pronounciation of it. He picked up the bottle, studied it for about a minute and promptly said it.. not only did my just turned FIVE year old READ this horrendous word.. he actually pronounced it correctly AND better than some adults I have heard say it. Our mouths just kinda dropped and as soon as we gathered our senses, congratulated him and gave him big kudos. Now don't get me wrong I have been continually amazed at my child's accomplishments, but this one just blew me away. The scary part about it all is he knows OH SO MUCH MORE than we could even imagine at this point. God only knows what he will soak up in school.
OK.. so that's my mommy brag moment.. I won't do that again for a long while.
I do feel better as the day progresses, and I can plan the rest of my evening. What to clean and what to cook... ahh breathe out ... breathe in....
Count this down for another day.
oh PS.. Thank god for Nickelback being around, otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself now that Creed is no longer.. sigh... Just in case you were wondering who the other CD was.. well now you know!
Edited to add: I know that many of you, maybe even a few of you that are struggling with infertility are in your own personal misery each day you don't even have one child, and I hope that I don't come across as ungreatful for the one I do have. I do adore him more than words and he is what makes up my life, along with my husband. I am forever blessed to have him and wouldn't trade the world for him. My longing for him to have a sibling is overwhelming and the fact that I may never be able to provide him that breaks my heart and soul, especially after yet another year passes and they are destined to be further apart in age and not know the closeness of having a brother or sister that is growing up close to you in age. I guess in some small sense I will feel like I haven't fulfilled all of our family's needs and wants if I am unable to produce another child. I can't help it,, it just is. I just wanted those still trying for their first to know that I don't discount my blessings when you are still waiting patiently for yours...... that's all....
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