Sorry about that....not really..

Working hard to get everything closed up for the night and counting the minutes that he would be picked up, Billy hurried around the office doing last minute things. Finally, at 9:20pm he logged off of the alarm system and walked out to meet us. Jumping in the truck with my mom, off we go to see A, and relieve his mother.

To digress a little, being that Billy is the manager of the store, he had a separate code for the alarm system, and the other employees used another, one that Billy didn't know. This was for when on the rare occassion he would take his half day during the week and wouldn't be there to lock up. The alarm company records who logs in and out.

Little did we know that exactly four minutes after Billy left for the evening, that user #2 logged in, stayed for 10 minutes and then logged back out. This was a peice of information we were given after the fact. They were waiting for him to leave and waiting on their chance.

After we got home in the wee hours of the night that night, we were up and getting ready to head back to the hospital. I was in the midst of changing my bandages and he was in the shower, when the phone rang. It was a Sunday, so I figured with it being ten minutes till noon, that it was probably my mother calling to ask when we would be there, so I didn't answer and was planning on calling back when I finished bandaging back up. Billy finished his shower before I finished and came down to wait on me and the phone rang again. It was the alarm company, who on several occassions, have called before to report movement or what have you within the store. These are usually a waste of time because of something faulty or a balloon left up that is blowing from the AC. I say usually, because just so happens this wouldn't be the case this time. The had told him that the back door alarm had gone off and police were waiting on him at the store.

Billy, already dressed, says he should be back in about 15 minutes, he's sure its nothing. So I proceed to finish getting ready and about 30 minutes later the phone rings again. I answer and he says "we're fucked!" I was dumbfounded. He was horribly upset and on the verge of tears and I could tell he was wearing a hole in the carpet from pacing. I calm him down and ask what's the deal. He then proceeds to tell me that he got to the store, the police were waiting by the back entrance. They tell him they arrived within a couple minutes of the alarm going off and when they arrived the back door was open. He goes in to take a look around and sees that all the drawers to the desks were opened and that the cash drawer money was gone.

Now you may be thinking right now that well this shouldn't be a big deal, its not his fault that his store was robbed. He was thinking the same thing as well till he got to the edge of the parking lot and remembered something vital. Turning around he went back into the store and looked. This is when his heart sank. The deposit for the night was gone also. The reason this was so bad was that it wouldn't be gone had he deposited it in the night deposit last night.

While stirring around doing the last minute things the night before, he had worked up the deposit and instead of leaving it on the counter while he still had employees in the store, he stuck it in the top drawer of his desk, intending to grab it when he left. Obviously someone was watching and took note. So, as time drew near and he was leaving.. clearly with his mind on his child and getting to him.. walked out without grabbing it.

Six years with this company and nothing but praise for him for working tirelessly between 80 and 100 hours a week to keep things as they should be and in a moment of vulnerability and weakness, his efforts all those years were overlooked.

Some may think that losing a job like that would be a life saver.. and maybe it was.. but when your wife is fresh out of the hospital and your son is still laying in the hospital, and you are the sole provider, losing what may be a crap ass job isn't something that sounds appealing. This job that paid very well that allowed you to live comfortably and your wife allowed to be a full time mother... not something you necessarily want to leave without something else better lined up.

The first thing we thought about was trying to come up with the deposit money and replacing what was lost, so that he could save his job. This is probably not most people's first reaction, but feeling that since he made the mistake, he needed to fix it. Finally though after calling around and asking to borrow the money, Monday afternoon he told his direct boss what had happened. He put him on "vacation" till they could figure things out.

Police got involved and everything was pointing to say that Billy had stolen the money. Billy had stolen the money with NO motive for doing so apparently,, at least that's what they were implying. He offered himself up to lie detectors and all that. We waited patiently for it to all become clear. During this interim is when we learned about the other person coming back into the store four minutes after he had left that night, which of course, everyone denied. The detective himself even implied that Billy could have done that to throw the trail off!

From all aspects you could clearly see that it was an inside job. The back door, which has a bar that is set across it that prevents it being opened was rigged in a way that could drop the bar and allow access. Specifically what was taken and how "fast" it was taken, and the time of day in which it was taken. Almost noon on a Sunday in broad daylight. Obviously anyone with any sense, could put two and two together and realize that whoever it was that came in after him that night, set up the scene for the next day and probably went ahead and took the money then. Not to mention how would they know to do that on the ONE night that they realized he would be so distracted the possibility of him leaving the deposit behind was high.

The more we learned and thought about it.. we had it narrowed down to two of the employees. One in which he had words with the night before, on a Friday night. And the other one who actually had the other key to the store. The only reason the first guy wasn't ruled out was because he could have made a copy of the key. AND he was the more desperate of the two for money. That's who I had my money on anyways.

After a week and going to speak with the detetive and being informed he would be called back within a couple days for the voice analyzer test, we waited. No one ever called. When I went back a couple weeks later to retrieve his things, one of the "suspects" would barely look me in the eye. Could barely get out a "hey". This was NOT the one I had originally thought. During the few weeks we were waiting I was informed that he had a gambling problem. HMMMM.. To be such a nice guy always talkative to me and ever so friendly.. my suspicions were pointed directly at him now. I feel in my gut that he is the one. He had motive and opportunity.

After the week of "vacation" his direct boss (market manager) called and said I have to let you go. OF COURSE YOU DO! I'm really sorry about this man, I don't think you did it .. really.. WHATEVER.

In the coming weeks we find out that his direct boss( market manager) and HIS boss(regional director) both had jobs on the line.. and the regional directer was let go for stealing from the company. He had apparently charged one of his stores to recarpet his house. Clearly a company violation. Also his direct boss is barely hanging on by a thread and has basically told himself that its all Billy's fault for not doing his the market manager's job while he was having a good time with one of the female peers( another market manager) of the company. AGAIN, violation of company policy. The guy that took Billy's place(store manager) in the store runs around like a chicken with his head cut off TRYING to keep up the pace and standard that Billy had set.. and best of all.. yeah.. the thief is still working in there. Among all the other "superior" concerns going on, the ball was dropped on the investigation and he got away with it.

So, while we were struggling to recover and find another source of income that would be even a fraction of what he was making, to the undoubted hospital bills that would begin rolling in before too long and just to keep a roof over our head, the thief was working along his merry way each day like nothing had happened and getting paid for it above and beyond. So he may be sorry that he had to resort to stealing and costing a man and his family their livlihood, jeopardizing their very being.. he didn't get caught.. so he's not really THAT sorry, now is he?

Like A Caged Bird

I used to think I would welcome the down time to lay in bed all day and watch tv, and only get up to use the bathroom and take a small walk. That might be nice if it weren't forced upon you, but when you have no choice, its altogether different.

I sat quietly watching tv after my sister's mother in law left for work. I was in no way sleepy or thought "oh a nap sounds nice." I was reaquainting myself with my surroundings now that I could see clearly. It was still kinda early in the day. I called my mom again to check on A, but there wasn't much of an update. My sister in law called and asked what room I was in, she was coming by after work. That was still hours away.

I lasted for about an hour before the ants came crawling in. I was hurting still to walk around and get up and down .. or for that matter use my stomach muscles very much. So, I could either sit and feel like I was going to explode or I could push through the pain and get up and walk.. kill some time. I opted for killing some time and some pain. Every time I moved and thought of the hurt, I reminded myself how brave my little man had been and still is, doing his walking and getting himself better. He pulled me through so much, more than he will ever know. I couldn't be a wimp. NO. Not when he had perservered through so much. So every 30 minutes or so I took time about either laying in my bed, or on the couch or in the "so called" recliner that was in the room. NONE of which were even remotely comfortable.

The nurse said she had never seen anyone move around so much. I have had surgery before and been put under before.. but never do I remember feelings so anxious. This was assured by many was a side effect of the anesthesia.

The started me on my fluid intake and protein drinks. I had to get in 64oz of fluid every day and at least one bottle of the protein. I barely made that happen. I didn't drink that much before surgery and now having to sip on everything ALL DAY LONG was extremely hard for me. I wondered how I would get real food in if I couldn't get this liquid in!? I was bound and determined to show the doc I got it all in though. A couple of nurses drilled into my head that I wasn't going anywhere if I didn't and there was too big a risk of dehydration if I didn't continue to do so. So, I made it through that each day.

Around 6:30 that first night, my sister in law showed up with a basket of flowers for me, soon after that her husband showed up as well. I was quite pleased. They stayed till a little later and Billy showed up after work. He sat with me till he had to go home. Then I began pacing again every 30 minutes or so. Walking the halls, from chair to bed to couch, then all over again. They certainly couldn't say I wasn't moving about enough!

Day two was pretty much the same pacing. Feeling better as time went on and my moving was definitely helping. My mother in law showed up at the end of her work day and stayed till Billy came again. It was nearly 11pm before he got there that night. We didn't have much time to spend together and he had to split his time between me and A.

Day three was one that felt like it would last FOREVER. I tried to stay busy with the word search book Billy had brought me and I tried to call and talk to friends. I was missing my baby something awful by this time and the small updates just weren't doing enough. Billy showed up once again that night and stayed the night as I was sure I would be going home come AM. I thought that the doc would be coming around about 7AM, but being a Saturday I was quite wrong.

Finally about 10:30, he came in, checked on a few things, and released me. I was dressed and changed within 10 minutes and we walked to the front desk to get ready to leave. We were then told that she hadn't even completed the paperwork yet, to just have a seat and she'd be with us in a few minutes. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK Did they not know I was DYING to get out of here?!?! Finally she came over and went over everything with me and we scurried down to the lobby. She sat with me and waited till the truck pulled up and FREE AT LAST!!!!! Our first stop was guess where? You got it! VCH! I was hopping right along and went bounding through the double doors on his floor. All the nurses were like WOW I can't believe how good you look and well you seem to be doing! I replied with " gotta get to my baby!" He was asleep when I arrived so I just sat and held his hand. Billy had to get on to work so we had to leave. I was gonna try and get some rest and come back after he got off work that night.

About thirty minutes after I get home, the door bell rings. I had no idea who it could be so I didn't answer. It kept ringing and ringing. I finally looked out and it was my mother. She came in and said I am here to help you clean. Obviously I didn't feel like cleaning up much, but I can hardly sit and watch someone else clean my house. So I proceeded to clean with her. Nothing like getting back at it huh?

Around quitting time for my husband, he was stressed, tired, and worried about where all he needed to be. With all this on his mind and thinking about getting back to me and us getting back to A, he left the store, not realizing at the moment, someone was waiting for him to slip up. One of his employees, waiting for the right time. Thinking only of getting home, he wouldn't realize till the next day the mistake he had made that night before leaving. A mistake that wouldn't have mattered had someone not been waiting for just that.

Blinded With Fear

Leavning A that morning of the 27th was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wouldn't be able to see him for at LEAST three days.. what if something horrible goes wrong and I can't get to him? What if ... what if..??

Billy and I worked our way down to my truck and eased on over to the admitting room part of the hospital and noticed that several others were waiting as well. Apparently they like for everyone to get there thirty minutes before even the receptionist does to check in, as no one was due till 6! So we waited and that waiting made me even more nervous. I could turn back now.. but then all that money.. at least 500 of it would be theirs to keep. NO. We had waited this long, this could be the beginning of my dreams coming true. Eventually knowing that I will be a normal sized person. Maybe not thin per say.. but thin for me.. normal for the rest of the world. Finally, my name was called. I was taken back to the "ready" room. After a few minutes Billy was escorted back as well. I sat, nervously. The closer time came.. the worse I got. I had initially planned on keeping my contacts in, because I normally sleep in them, but decided it best to take them out. So, I was undressed and taken back. I held onto Billy for what seemed like only seconds before they were calling for me. I laid down on the bed and off I went.

Having my contacts gone gave me more anxiety than I thought. I am probably considered legally blind without them as I can barely see a foot in front of me clearly without them. So as I am being wheeled down to pre op, all I see are fuzzy figures swirling around me. I felt horribly lost. A couple different anesthesiologists came in to get my lines started. The IV wasn't so bad at first.. neither was the central line they put in my neck actually.. but from past experience I knew that when I heard them say, " we need to find an artery for the blood-gas" I tensed up. Those are atrocious things to have done. They had already taken all my jewelry and asked about my teeth, all that jazz, when suddenly I remembered I had two toe rings on! This about two minutes before I actually blacked out. They gave me a little sleepy juice to start me going out.. and then began digging for that blood gas. Thankfully I was almost unconscious when they started or I would have been screaming. It hurt, but I was too far gone to care.

I remember telling Billy that it should only be a couple hours or so. Where I got this information I have no idea. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ICU, where my doc puts all his post op patients, and Billy saying to me, "hon, you weren't exactly correct about the time of this procedure, its nearly four in the afternoon". I said, " NO SHIT?!" He said yeah.. it was supposed to take 4-6 hours. I held his hand and drifted back off.

At one point I woke for another few minutes and saw his blurry body sitting next to me reading, and remember feeling horrible. I felt bad because I had slept so much already that I wanted to move about and stay awake, then realized my mouth was drier than the desert and decided to do something about that. The nurse came in and said nothing for the first 24 hours. I began freaking. I was MISERABLE. Not from the pain but the pure discomfort of my mouth being so dry. It made it hard to breath right. At some point Billy left me to go be with A, and from that point on I woke nearly every hour on the hour, counting down the minutes till 7AM arrived.

Around 11pm I suppose the nurses had me get up and walk around the station. It wasn't bad really at all. Again, it was the dry mouth making me miserable. I asked what could I do to help with that and she allowed me to brush my teeth.. which I took advantage of and brushed long enough to probably start taking the enamel off! After I got settled back in bed, they provided these swap like sticks for me. Anytime someone came near me, I was waving that at them to wet again. They helped, but not nearly enough.

I only used my morphene drip all that night, to just keep me knocked out so I would sleep long enough to get to the morning. During each "nap", my worry system kicked in. I lay there thinking and wondering what in hell I had done to myself. I have totally screwed myself over. I will never be able to enjoy even the smallest things I enjoyed eating before. No more going out to eat, no nothing. I worried about getting everything lined up, bills paid, you name it. But most of all I was horribly concerened with where my eyes (contacts) were. I could squint enough to make out the large numbers on the wall clock that lay ahead of me. I don't know if that was a good or bad thing. I feel that if I hadn't been SO drugged at this point, I would really have had an anxiety attack.

Finally through the nightmares and blindness morning came. The doctor was in pretty early and seemed thoroughly pleased. My only concern at this point was ICE CHIPS! As soon as he left, which wasn't soon enough, she brought my a cup of ice chips. She was my savior!! That was possibly the best tasting ice ever. I could stay awake now and eat my chips. It wasn't long they were giving me this blue dye to drink and even though it was nasty.. it was heaven. Before I even finished that, they had taken my catheter out and were preparing to wheel me down to my regular room. We wandered through a maze of hallways when I finally arrived. I couldn't watch TV or read or anything. My first request was the phone number to VCH to call and check on A. Once I talked to my mom and got an update, I felt a little more relaxed.

It wasn't much longer when my sister's mother in law brought me my eyes. Bless her soul, again another savior! She was my first official visitor. We chatted for a while and I attempted to get comfortable. No such luck. Well, at least I could watch TV till it was time for the nurse to check on me. No longer blind, no longer in great fear. Time was at hand to start recovering.

Brand New Life, Brand New Directions... Part II

We all sat in the waiting room for the longest two hours of my life it seemed. Finally, the doc came by and said he was in recovery. Billy and I rushed back to see him. I sat rubbing his foot and playing toesies with his feet trying to lull him out of the anesthesia.. after a few moments he came around and saw us and fell back asleep. My mom came in and sat with him while we ran home to grab a shower and new clothes. I was feeling quite wretched at this point having not been home since we left for the pediatrician the prior morning.

They got him back in his room and we all slept that night. Well, I wouldn't say slept.. we were there.. with eyes closed from exhaustion..but sleep wouldn't be how I could describe it. The next morning the doctor came in to fill us in more thoroughly. It turns out it was exactly his appendix and it had not only ruptured but had set up gangreen!!! He explained that there was quite a bit to remove but that he successfully got it all out and he should be brand new in no time. We were looking at maybe a 5-7 day stay. I can't believe how horrible my baby must have felt with all that in him. He was so tough and strong.

Those 5-7 days turned into two weeks. His incision kept leaking quite a bit and he was so dehydrated from going without food or drink for the first few days.. his output of urine wasn't enough to satisfy the docs AND he wasn't holding anything down that well.. so when you can't keep food down you can't "go to the bathroom" either.. and all those things had to be in line.

If you have done the math on the days he was in vs. the dates of everything, you will have noticed that my surgery came during the time he was in the hospital. We had hoped he could go home the Monday before my surgery, which would have been the 25th, but we quickly realized that that wasn't going to happen.

At some point during my consultations and the immense amount of paperwork I was handed, I somehow missed or misunderstood the amount of money I was due to pay before surgery. I was TOLD I would need to have 500 dollars with me at pre admit on the 25th. About a week before surgery I had received a letter stating that my portion would be 1500 for the ins copay. Freaking out a little. Another mishap was that the doctors office failed to tell me that THEIR Fee would be 2000 dollars due before surgery.. so now I am frantic, sitting beside my sick child wondering if this is all a sign or not. How could we scramble together 3500 bucks in 48 hours?!? I guess the sign this was meant to be was that we did it. Billy and I were able to come up with all but 700 bucks of it.. and my mother, god help her, lent us the rest.

I tried at one point to reschedule the surgery as I didn't want to leave my baby and both of us be in the hospital at the same time, but was told that if I did that I would have to go through the ENTIRE approval process AGAIN. We all decided to just suck it up and do it. I wouldn't have given it a second thought if A wouldn't have been on the road to wellness.

So, Tuesday night, we all piled up in A's room and got ready to wake at the crack of dawn to drive over two blocks to the hospital I would be sitting in for three days. Five o'clock came we had showered and were ready ,, Billy and I left out, said our good bye's,, gave tons of kisses to keep him full till I could return, and headed out on the dawn of my New Life.

Brand New Life, Brand New Directions....Part I

Any planner knows that you can't always stick RIGHT to the plan.. but at least its there to give you some guidance.. and a truely talented planner.. also plans.. for the mishaps that will surely come along. Well, I had my plan in place.. and even made room for some bumps in the road... barring any huge disasters..but this time.. it was one disaster right after another.. NOTHING I could do to prepare for it.

A couple weeks before my surgery, going about my daily routines, only noticing my child wasn't acting "per his usual self". He was wanting to sleep all the time and not eating very much. He's a tough kid and deathly afraid of the doctor so any pains or discomfort he had would be kept to himself. I thought, as did a few friends, that he was going through a phase and would come out of it pretty quick. At the end of the first week of lethargy, that following Monday, the 18th, I had one of my other doc visits for prequalification and was planning on picking him up from school early because he had to go with me. The phone rang as I was getting my shoes on, it was his school, he was sick and had thrown up.. come get him. I was already on my way.

I get there, he's kinda pukey looking and call my mother in law to see if she could keep him instead since he wasn't feeling well. She says ok. He sleeps on the way to her house.. and right before we get there.. he wakes up and throws up. He basically lays with her the entire time I am gone and stays pretty yucky the rest of the night. I had talked with my husband on the way to his mother's and told him to call and make A. and appointment for tomorrow AM. He threw up a few more times that day and was just wiped.

April 19th, we get up early and head in. Still feeling yucky at this point.. I knew he must feel REALLY bad when he didn't complain about having to go to the doctor. We are finally called back and he starts complaining of his tummy hurting. Screaming bloody murder if you even breathed on it the wrong way. Doc turns to me and says.. we're gonna admit him, I believe he may have appendicitis. OK.. I think I can deal with that. Simple procedure, very common. The hospital is directly across from the doc office so I called my mother on the way over and as I pulled into the parking lot (I called my husband first and told him to come over right away) when she got on the phone I lost it and started bawling. "They're putting my baby in the hospital!!" She said "I will call you when I get into town to get directions... I am on my way!" And that was then end of that. She was at work and three and a half hours away. It was roughly 10:30AM.

They actually rushed our admittance a little cause I was freaking a little bit. Of course everything you always hear about appendicitis is HURRY HURRY HURRY.. get to it before it bursts! So that's all I could think of. They get him admitted and in a room. We go down for cat scans and x-rays. My mom was there at around 1:00pm. I lost it! HOURS later the doc comes in and says " we think its appendicitis but the scans are very vague and we can't really see what all is going on, we don't want to rule out everything else that might be causing his pain,, I want him in Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital." When I heard that last part, I almost lost it... that hospital is for SICK SICK kids, what's wrong with my baby?? He went on to say that I shouldn't get upset and he would rather him be there because of the care and equipment available that he couldn't get here. That eased my mind about---this much. Other family had arrived and came by during the course of the day.. and finally we were headed downtown to VCH.

We followed the ambulance there and everyone got checked and settled. By this time it was nearly 10pm and I had cried so much all day I could barely see anything through my contacts. Hadn't eaten a bite or had a drink of anything. Even if I wanted, my stomach wouldn't allow anything much to pass my lips. Two residents came in fairly quickly and we explained the history and they told us that in the AM they would run new cat scans and all the tests to pin point exactly what was going on.

The next day, all of that happened and several different times they came in trying to explain that it could be this,, ruling out that. That is was MOST LIKELY his appendix AND it had ruptured already. WHAT?!?! Shoudln't we get a move on people?!? WELLLL, they explain that since it HAD ruptured there wasn't a HUGE hurry to get it out and everything else was blah blah blah.. Either way, the surgeon would be preparing for his appendectomy with in a few hours. This being early afternoon, it was after 8 when they came for him. Billy and I stayed with him till they were ready to take him back and then began the wait.

A New Beginning... Finally

When I first contemplated having gastric bypass surgery, I had many road bumps immediately in front of me. Four years and three conslutations later, I am at a point I have never been. This point is both exciting and nerve wracking. Let me digress....

Initially, my husband and I went for a consultation and came out feeling not optimistic at all. Mostly because we figured that the insurance wouldn't cover it. We were right. Two months later that was confirmed. So, I put it out of my mind and began trying to accept the fact that it wouldn't happen for me.

Then a couple years go by, and we get a packet from his job informing us that they are changing insurance companies. One of our first thoughts was whether or not it was covered now. Oh ! To my surprise it appears that it is! Now the trick is to see if our particular policy is gonna coincide with that as well.

I waited a long while, determined to try and give it a go on my own, we decided that we would like to have a baby first then have the surgery. Thus began our trying to conceive journey. Roughly a year in, getting frustrated, we decided to maybe reverse that order and if done now, the kids wouldn't have to be that far apart.

Second consultation. He proposes a procedure more highly and offers only one method. His procedure was turned down and by this point had really scared me into thinking anything other than that would be much more risky. So, again, I decided to put it off. Another year went by and decided to see yet another doctor. I thought this would be an easy hit because I knew the other procedure was indeed covered.

I jump through all the hoops: 12 week monitored program, got tons of information together, proved I was qualified for the surgery.. and then I waited. I was in the process of finishing up some of the specifications for the 12 week program when I get a call.

"Hello"...

" yes.. Mrs Fairy.. Lisa just handed me your folder and we have you approved for surgery.. we need to get your consultation set up. " she says.

"Excuse me?" I say.. "approved?" ..."but I.. I.. I haven't finished the meetings..."

"Well you are approved so don't worry about them.. would this day be good for you?"

"uhh ok.. you are gonna have to hold on a minute.. I think I need to cry a little"

"(laughing a bit) go ahead hon.. take a minute.. this is big"

"hhmmm.. (picking my mouth up and clearing my throat).. ok what day and time?"

We set a date and time and I begin preparing to jump through a couple more hoops... psych evaluation and doc consulation. Psych Eval: CHECK and 300 bucks later. Doc Consult: CHECK and 200 bucks later. I am waiting to go see a Cardiologist and pulmonologist. My surgery is scheduled for April 27th.

I sorta wish I wouldn't have this day as a reminder of something in my life.. as it is my ex's birthday. Ohh the irony. But I will take it.

Friends Revisited

Throughout my life I have had many many friends. I remember the very first friendships that I formed before I even started school. Growing up in the small town that I did, these were friends that I went to school with from the beginning to the end. My friends tend to go through phases and come full circle. The ones that aren't held in that deep bond that true true friends hold. Although I remained friends with those from the beginning, naturally as I matured, I developed closer bonds with only a few during my teen years.

I can count on my fingers how many friends I have, and only on a little less than one hand the ones that will be there through out my life. During the early stages of my adulthood, I went through a couple of full circle friends with much heartbreak, but grew and learned from them.

I have friends that serve different purposes in my life. One of my closest friends provides a rock and faith in me, she reminds me of my strengths when I can't remember and never ever judges me for my miscomings. Another of my friends knows of a specific set of struggles I have faced over the past few years, as she as suffered as well, and while this is the reason we came together ultimately, our friendship is broad. My other close friend helps me see things that I wouldn't otherwise notice. She has a belief deep within her that I will succeed in my goals and reminds me of that regularly. She's one of my biggest cheerleaders. I love them all for everything they give to me, I only hope I provide enough in return.

I do have other friends that I maybe only talk to once, twice or possibly three times a year. That's enough to keep us sustained in our relationship and enough to stay caught up in each other's lives. The difference in these relationships oppossed to the other ones, I am the initiater. Simply put, I do that once, twice or three times a year calling. More often than not. I don't mind this. Keeping in touch with them rather than the other way. I value each of them in their own way, and at some point during our relationship they have given me enough proof that they do care. I am not one that needs continual proof of that. They were more to me than just a friendship of convience.

Friendships of convience are what I proclaim my husband to have. Each place he has been in his life, has formed seeminly close friendships with those around him and made memories for lifetimes. In the end, when he moved on from that place in his life, they were mostly left behind. I often ask him how it is he isn't bothered by not having any lasting friendships and he just replies in such a way that reminds me he's a man. It reminds me of some of the core differences between women and men and our emotional attachments.

Just this past week, we remembered his military buddies. Ones he had talked in great length about in our "getting to know you" phase, and ones he had essentially.. left behind. Six years ago I prompted him to get in touch with them and he did. But it didn't last more than a phone call. When we moved back to his hometown area, which happens to be where the long lost buddies lived.. he didn't make an effort to contact them. Here we are, living in the same small town and it didn't phase him to try and get together. His excuse is that he doesn't feel bad about it because its not like they made an effort either. So in an effort to get him to continue on with the bond he molded in his earlier life, I prompted him to give them a call once more. He did, they talked. We are getting together next Sunday.

Viva Las Lonely!!

Its that time of year again for the annual business trip/convention in the wonderful world of Las Vegas. This trip is a love hate relationship for both me and my husband. He's excited that he's going to get away for a few days and then dreading it because the majority of his time will be spent at conventions and award ceremonies. I am anxious because I will get to have some ME time and then on the flip side of that terribly lonely without him.

Normally, I would go to my mother's and spend a few days letting her visit with A and I will go to a few friends house to catch up with each other. That's not an option this year as A is in school. So that means I am single mom-ing it starting Monday AM till Thursday afternoon. This is where I find the good in being alone.

This is a good time to think about and be with myself. A time in which I can diddle daddle around the house or work really hard on certain tasks. A good time to count my blessings.

I am not typically one that takes things for granted. I am lucky enough to be one of those people that can see things and appreciate the moments and memories without having had a near death experience. This happened when I met my husband. I realized then the gift I had been given and vowed to never take it for granted from that moment on.

So while we certainly aren't the perfect couple who never fights, but we do miss each other in the moments and hours we are apart during the day, just like when we first started dating. The time when we lived three hours apart. The times we are apart just remind us of how much we mean to each other.

So although I take my dose of blessing counting daily, I guess its good for the soul to take a huge dose every once in a while.

Son-ipulated

Most people don't give children as much credit as they deserve for being witty, thoughtful and manipulative. When they throw fits or act as though their world is crumbling, these "acts" are simply their way of manipulating us to get what they want. A lot of parents/adults get it, but then, a LOOOTTT don't. They believe they just have a little booger on their hands.

My husband and I learned early on that our son was gonna be a super manipulator. You could just see it in his eyes. His actions always followed some careful thinking, as were his words. It doesn't take an intuitive person to see the wheels spinning in his head continuously. Now we knew that all kids were at some level master manipulators. However, as our child began to develop his intellectual skills we could see he would be quite gifted. Which while we were thrilled, we also realized we would have to become crafty and ever alert to his up coming "persuasions".

As he's grown, we have done well for ourselves, seeing the potential scenarios and calling them out as/before/right after they happened. Basically being able to stay on top of things. One thing we forgot to consider is making "outsiders" aware of his ability. Of course the grandparents were acutely aware of his skills and still are aware.. but no where near the extent that we are.

When we put him in preschool last year, they picked up really quick that he was gifted and so I had a lengthy talk with his teacher. Going over a few ins and outs about his behaviour and such. Any problems were fixed then and there. So, since he did very well in preschool with socializing and such we were geared and ready for Kindergarten. At the first parent teacher conference, the "get to know you" one.. I went over all this again with his teacher. Since he has LOVED school since day one, today's episode came as a shock.

So I get up this morning and proceed to get him out of bed, only today he had gotten up and was watching tv before I went in. So I said "good morning sunshine! Go on and get in the shower!" Upon which, he starts whining about not wanting to go to school because he will MISS. HIS. SHOW! Too bad I say, go on and get ready. We get all ready and head out. Drop off, kisses, have a good day and I love you's per usual. It came as a surprise when I hear my husband come bounding up the stairs at 11:30 and I say, "what are you doing here?" He says, "bringing your sick child home". At that very moment, I smelled manipulation in the air. He, proceeds to tell me that the school called home and my cell phone to no avail and that our child was throwing up and running a fever. Still, I was hesitant to believe. Even more so when the little one comes bouncing up the stairs to greet me. I said "well he sure doesn't act sick, do tell how this all went down". So my child meanders over to me and says "we had bbq sandwiches today and when I took a bite I threw up, but I can't remember what else we had." Hmmm.. ok, sure. Lunchtime comes and they are given two choices of what to eat. Not knowing what was for lunch is SO NOT like him. This is normally the first thing he shares when I pick him up.. "today we had corn dogs or hamburgers for lunch, and I had corndogs!" So my hubby and I speculated that the other choice was something he would have eaten, because well, bbq just looks to yucky to eat. Not to mention the fact that we have a picky eater on our hands.


I sit with A and tell him that he should thank daddy for bringing him home because I wouldn't have. I say that I know he isn't sick but rather pulling his "fake puke" episode to get what he wants. I explain also to the husband that the fever is easily explained as he was in a sweater in a heated building and coughing, so he was obviously HOT. The temperature he supposedly had was only 100.8. Working in childcare for a few years I know that parents usually aren't called in unless the temp is over 101.

My husband admitted that he suspected something was up when A's attitude seemed to change immediately leaving the doors of the school building behind. We got a laugh at it later, a laugh that also carries one of those nervous tones to it. One of those laughs that say under its breath that we've only just begun. The kind that says to you, if I can't go through you, I'll go around you, be warned. Yeah, one of those.

On the upside of this, I did get to steal my husband away from work for a little over an hour. Work is still winning however, work 71: home 12.. hours that is, waking hours. AND its only Friday. And since we're keeping score. A-1, School-0.

Denial Ain't Just a River

Denial can be a savior for some and a curse for others. For me, its my defense mechanism and my savior. I try to keep my denial to a minimum and only apply it to certain circumstances, but sometimes it does overflow into other areas. I stay in denial mostly about my struggles with this secondary infertility road I am travelling. It comes in handy when I have let myself become too hopeful and the truth is about to crumble my world. I live in a fantasy world for a couple weeks at a time and then the night before or a couple days out, I go on to changing my whole way of thinking.

The past 50 some odd days have been a rollercoaster between denial and realism. Day 28 of this ride seemed to be marked as the day of ovulation and although my temperatures indicated a possible egg popping.. the temp shift was never enough to convince me for certain. I had taken a new drug.. Femara.. which is supposed to be the equivalent of clomid but with less side effects. Well it has less side effects alright. They were almost non existent had I not been honed in and looking for them. So I went about my business waiting for my period to show up and she never did. I started having symptoms that weren't imaginary and things I hadn't had before. The acne started in and continued.. I was hungry every few hours.. couldn't sleep.. atypical cramps.. all those good old signs. In fact, I was enjoying the fact that I had so many new things going on with me that I had practically convinced myself that I had finally achieved my goal. That was, till last night.. when I went into shut down .. and began accepting that they would tell me my blood work results were that I had a negative beta and not only that.. I hadn't ovulated! Good thing for me I was prepared.. cause that is exactly what I was told. 'I'll call you back later to let you know about the next round of meds" nurse Ashley says to me.. "thanks" I say as if my heart hadn't skipped a beat.

The other thing that hurts my heart is that my husband really allowed himself to believe too.. cause he SAW the symptoms as well. When I called to tell him I was coming by, he was like is that all?? I told him.. "you can't be pregnant if you don't ovulate".. he was silent. Upon my arrival, you could clearly see how upset he was. It made me almost want to break down, but I stayed strong for him. I knew that if I showed how I really felt about it he wouldn't be able to move on and be productive the rest of the day.


I want to sit and cry all day long. I want to just get in the bed and just pull the covers up and sleep .. I want to sleep all day.. I mentioned today I believe I am sturggling with a bout of depression. I function normally.. but my body tells me it doesn't want to do anything. The sleepy's just wont' go away, no matter how much I get. It will pass though.. it always does.

I don't know what you would call my feelings about these issues. I have a hard time with people who dwell on things continually. I am the frame of mind that says.. grieve, take time for yourself, do what you need to do to move on.. but then MOVE ON. It doesn't even have to matter what it is.. just MOVE ON. And I know its so not that easy and everyone deals differently.. but maybe its because I have issues as well. I was abused both physically and mentally growing up, I have had loss in my life, I have been walked on and mistreated by friends and ex boyfriends, I have god awful self esteem and fight with myself daily to be a productive human being.. YET I don't dwell on any of that or let any of it keep me from being a good mother and wife. I deal on my own.. and mostly in silence. I mean good god why would anyone else wanna tackle those issues .. I mean REALLY get to the bottom of it all. There is a saying that those that consume your thoughts run your life. So, those things don't consume my thoughts. I have, I believe, learned to let go. I know they still reside somewhere inside, but they don't run my life. I may benefit from some anti depressants,, but I am so paranoid that anything I take my hinder my fertility struggles. Not to mention the fact that I have convinced myself I am strong enough on my own.. without their help.

Then again,, maybe its all just denial.

Just a Reminder

That is the phrase that me and my husband use to give little things to each other.. and we may not always say that exactly.. its just kinda "understood" that's what it is.. The first bouquet of flowers he sent me, which happened to be on the tail end of a break-up with my ex bf, he didn't sign the card,, so I wasn't sure who they were from before I saw the card..but the first three words were Just a Reminder.. I knew then it was him and then fantastic words followed. This AM he reminded me again how much he loves me. After having been up till nearly 4 AM preparing crafts for my son's cmas party this AM.. I get into the truck and on top of the steering wheel is a card.. on the front it said.. Turn the Key.. so first I read the card.. which brought tears to my eyes.. after he told me "you really are the better half of me"... and I cranked the truck and a CD I have mentioned in passing that I wanted was set to play my fave song from the CD.... I guess it was an early anniversary gift.. our 6th is next week.. and I couldn't love him more.

Deck the Halls....

Christmas time is quickly approaching and I stay just as content with putting off doing the Christmas shopping. I have always been a last minute shopper, but the past few years I have really tried to do better. This year, however, has found me in the same funk again. I felt a twinge of wanting to spend money the other day.. but it passed pretty fast. I know what I have to buy for everyone, its just a matter of going and doing it.

Intermittent with decorating and allll that holiday cheer, I have been doing another medicated cycle. For some reason I just don't feel like this med is gonna work. Would much rather have taken the clomid that I KNOW works. Maybe the doc was just humoring me.. either way we should know something soon. I can hope anyways.

On a good note, recently two checks have arrived in the mail. For over paying at some point. One of said checks came from the fertility clinic. I can't believe they are sending me back money, when supposedly the visit I had was gonna cost me 750 bucks because "you're meeting your deductible today Mrs. Fairy". Well I didn't and turns out somehow it got paid by insurance and now they are sending me money back! HEY! Who am I to argue? I love found money like that.. that will go a long way towards the Christmas shopping I will be doing probably on December 23rd. All except for the Secret Santa gifts I have to buy and get in the mail!

I love the aura that this season brings, the smells, the lights.. all of it. Anyone that has travelling to do during the holidays probably wishes, like I do, that it would just hurry and be over with. I hate that because people are so stubborn that they can't help out us travellers by celebrating on a different day, so as not to suck every last bit of joy out of us by being so damn tired we don't know if we are coming or going. Not to mention being around people we aren't ready to be around yet. Its really starting to suck all the way around. Some things are gonna have to change.. for sanity's sake.

Oh! The Sweet Irony.

Funny how things fall into place just as you were giving up hope on them. I had a plan, I followed through on the plan, I am in the middle of the new plan.. now the old plan comes a calling.

Getting going with the new plan of not just sitting idly around waiting, rather I will pursue another round of "get me a baby".. I called my doc up and requested the invitation pack for the lovely Aunt Flo, and the conception pack for my stalled eggies. I started work on the invitation pack and finish up pretty quickly with that.. only three days worth, and now am awaiting her arrival. The conception pack (aka femara/letrozole) can commence once the missing lady arrives.

Only a few days out of the invitation pack (aka progesterone, more specifically medroxyprogesterone) I get a call. Hold phone up, check out caller ID. Centen Med..it says. You have GOT to be kidding me! Answer and sure enough "We have our new 12 week program all set up now.. you still want the surgery right?" Why yes I do! Call the given numbers and low and behold one calls back within the hour! I get to start the program on Tuesday. LOVELY!

This should be oh so interesting to see who wins out. Will it be my eggies making an appearance or will I be chugging along still in a month preparing myself for surgery? OH THE SUSPENSE!

Well no better way to kill two birds with one stone.. HOW productive I do indeed feel!!!

Things Found

I am the type of person that needs a plan like everyone needs water. I feel uneasy and irritable, maybe even go through bouts of depression if there is no plan. Having experienced all these things recently, I realized that it was because I am in waiting... in limbo. About two weeks ago, the weight loss center called and informed me that I had been "tentatively" approved for the surgery. That to qualify fully..I have to go through their ( the centers) 12 week weight loss program, shell out 250 bucks and see on a rotating basis a endocrinologist, an exercise physiologist, and a nutritionist. Because THIS TIME is gonna make a difference! OF COURSE IT IS! These 12 weeks are gonna change my life and be the end all be all of diets and I will do soooo welllll that I won't need the surgery afterall!! RIIIGGHHTT!! Damn, why in the 30 years of my life haven't I thought of that before?!? Surely I don't have walking around sense.

SO, while I am waiting for them to call me back so I can set up appointments with these doctors, I am just waiting....waiting without knowing.. without knowing what to do with myself. In one of these moments, I confess to Lucy and another close friend, that I feel lost and that I was thinking of doing another round of meds whilst I wait. She agreed and said get to it! I called my doc up and spoke with the nurse, she spoke with him and called me back. I picked up my medroxyprogesterone today along with Femara. Not clomid, but supposedly its supposed to be better/as good as clomid. Apparently its the newest thing. We're giving it a go.

I feel so much better not having to waste time while I wait. At least I can feel like I am doing something. I have a plan!!! I feel whole again.

While I do feel whole again,, you know,, having a plan and all.. I also have dressed my ears again, and they aren't so naked anymore. I didn't buy them new clothes, but rather found and put back the comfortable set that once adorned those lobes of mine. Things are feeling right in my world again.

Who knew??

Back during the Halloween party my closest sister/brother in law throw every October, one of my other sister in laws suggested that we get the grandkids picture taken for the parents for Christmas. That was a great idea. I thought it would be a good chance to get my son's picture taken for the holidays as well. As we talked, we decided that there would be a dress code for the kids. Boys would wear black shirts khaki pants and girls would wear red~dresses most likely. I can see it now.. a great family pic!

A time and date were set up~November 6, at 10AM at Sears. No problem. Well, it was a stretch, as I am not a morning person and the place to be was easily 40 minutes away in GOOD traffic. So after having gone through my son's closet to see if he had the appropriate apparel, I realized that nothing would do. I had in my mind exactly what I wanted him to wear. Black sweater over a button up white long sleeve shirt, khaki pants and a pair of Saddle Oxford shoes. I made plans to pick up these items, mainly the sweater and shoes on Friday after I picked him up from school. We headed out at roughly 2pm. I wanted to start at the farthest place I wanted to go and work my way back towards my house. Naively thinking I would strike it lucky in my first and favorite store, off we go! This store was Kohls, and approximately 40 minutes from the house.

The area Khols sits in is in development, and as I hadn't been in some time,, the entire place had been built practically around it. Strip mall galore! There were a couple other options to check out for the items I pursued, Target and Ross'. In and out of all three with nothing to show for it but a couple casual sweaters that weren't what I NEEDED. They will be cute on him later, and he needed them, so its justified.

I get the distinct feeling this is not going to go very well. Back in the truck, I decide to call Peebles, they answer without hesitation that they DO NOT carry a solid black sweater for boys. At any rate, I start working my way back towards the house. There is an outlet mall in my town, so after I drop the kid off at my husband's store, I proceed, with confidence, for the outlet mall. I enter, Gap, Ralph Lauren, Hilfiger, Haggar, Oshkosh, and Carters. Even stepped into Name Brand Shoes to check on his Oxfords I wanted. Back to the truck, empty handed.

On the phone once again, I call Sears, no ma'am again without hesitation. Also calling Goody's, Walmart, and Kmart in this interim. At least Wally world and Kmart took the time to at least check and see. Still nothing. Hating the idea of him just wearing a plain turtle neck in the picture, I head back to the hubby's store to get on the phone to call the nearest REAL mall and their dept stores to check for the now sacred solid black sweater. Forget the shoes.. I will just put on him what we have already. Sit down, call Marshalls and no luck. Next up, Dillards. She says to me: "yes ma'am we have those!" I say "YOU DO???" and tell her I will be there at open to collect it.

With such excitement that they have the sacred black sweater, I didn't think to ask what time they opened. I just assumed it was 9AM. To be safe, I call back and ask,,,,,,, "we open at 10AM ma'am." OH NO! There's no time for in the AM, I have to go tonight. They are located in the same mall that the pictures will be in the AM so yes, I am headed out on another 40 minute trek to pick the sweater up. Its 7:20 at this juncture, if I hurry I can make it back to my hubby's store and we can all go and eat by 9.

Lucky for me, the Friday night traffic into one of the busiest sections of Nashville wasn't too bad and I found a parking spot right outside the door to the boy's department. There it was!! PERFECT in all its glory! And to make things even sweeter, the very inside top row of stitch in the collar was RED! So now with the white collar and hint of red and of course the black,,, all things fell into place! What?? Want a strawberry to put on top of that?? Well sure, here you go.. the shoe dept had his Saddle Oxfords as well. I gathered it all up and a couple extra items for him and head back to my boys in waiting. I walked back through my door at home at 11:15PM.

Who knew that one boy's solid black sweater would evade me for nearly six hours, 15 stores and over a hundred miles????

Things Missing

There are a couple of things that have been missing in my life for longer than I'd like, but there isn't much I can do about one of them. This/her absence I could invite back in with the help of meds, but why bother? I am not supposed to be trying right now anyways. I have come to the firm belief that I did in fact NOT ovulate when I originally thought, therefore she, the nasty old hag, won't be around anytime soon without an invitation. She can stay away if she wants, but absolutely better start coming back on when I demand! HA! I know better, she's failed me before and will fail me again. Her and the rest of my reproductive parts! MFers!

Recently, I had the experience to get up close and personal with dog poop..quite more than I will ever need to be again in my lifetime. Not finding what I was looking for after a week of scouring, I took the delivery man of said poop to the vet and had him x-rayed. Basically I spent 61 bucks for a picture of his insides,,, minus my diamond earring. As I had stashed the first couple of "samples" in a particular bag --just in case, I went back through them for one last check to make absolutely sure. Nope not there either.

On one hand I am pissed because I had to go through all that crap, literally, and on the other I am just glad it isn't in him. That leaves me to scour the area around where I set them to begin with. Hopefully it will turn up. My ears are feeling quite naked without them.

New additions

Toonces

AND

Karma

When we found ourselves without our Boo, the traitor,we decided to get a replacement of sorts. Originally only going in for one, my husband couldn't leave without his Toonces.. and I wasn't leaving without Karma.. so we have two new babies in our family now.

Porn Stars, Traitors and Poop

Living in a small-ish town just outside a metro city often allows the luxury of both types of living. Being that I live outside Music City USA aka Nashville, you are bound to run into some celebrity before too long. I haven't just yet.. but I do live near a few. So hearing that yet another celebrity is coming to a town near me wasn't anything that would make me turn my head and pay attention to the appearance dates. Well, quite the contrary when you hear exactly who it is. This celebrity is quite obviously the most famous celebrity in his field of work. This guy is coming to a nearby university to participate in a debate about his profession. He's gonna be defending it by the way. Well, while I don't necessarily mind the occassional skin flick, its another thing to actually see that person in the actual flesh,,, standing right in front of you.. IN PERSON. I won't be however, but I thought it quite interesting to know that THE Ron Jeremy is coming to a place not so far from my home and defending his work. I saw a documentary on him once, and his life hasn't been as peachy as some might think, simply because of the stigma he imposed upon himself when entering the ever prestigious field of pornography.. but hey.. what's that you say? You made your bed,, now lie in it! Somehow its fitting.

We have for the past 18 months had a cat and for the past 12 have had a dog join our family. Kenobi our dog was purchased much to the shagrin of my husband for a few hundred bucks. He has never paid for a dog and couldn't for the life of him understand why anyone would, because of course, to him the mut dogs love you more anyways. Well, Boo, the cat just came wandering up a couple months after we moved in here. We always figured she had a family, she was too friendly not to have, but she stayed around more than she was gone.. so we adopted her. Made her our own. Admittedly we never got around to putting the flea collar and tag on her we bought, but didn't feel the need to, and honestly just forgot most times. It wasn't so long ago that she came home with a flea collar on. After my husband and I were together at once with her, we realized that someone else had put it on her. Well, after much thought about us being the first or second family she was frequenting.. we came to the conclusion that we were the first and that if we were indeed the second the first wouldn't have waited so long about putting one on her and that she's found new people. Well, that upset me to a point.. clearly now she's coming around less frequently and has turned into quite the traitor. I am upset but what can I do but keep her indoors 24/7, when she clearly likes to roam? BAH! Damn traitor cat!

When we got Kenobi last year, I was determined to house train this dog. I failed miserably in that effort,, but it turns out he likes being outdoors for extended periods of time. So we're on a schedule now that makes everyone happy. While he's indoors, he's not allowed on furniture or on the bed.. things of the like. I didn't care so much before when he was freshly shaved, but since he's grown out some he's not as clean. So pending his upcoming shave, he's watched closely.. or so I thought. The head of our bed is at a double window in our room and a lot of times I will lay whatever up there till I retrieve it later. Usually just my thermometer sits up there. When he was a puppy, that's where he liked to sleep at night and it was a good place for me to keep an eye on him as well. The other night we were all playing /watching the gamecube and after having told him a few times already not to get up .. he snuck around somehow and the next thing I know, is sitting in the window seal swishing his tongue back and forth like he's chewing on something. I should probably mention that I took out my diamond earrings that morning because my ear was hurting and would be putting them back in come bedtime. Well it wasn't two seconds later I had leapt after him and started ramming my finger down his throat.. to no avail. It was too late. He had swallowed one of my earrings. I sobbed for a while, then proceeded to lock him in the bathroom. His outdoor time has been non existent and I wait patiently for his poop on the paper so I can have the distinct pleasure of going through it to see if my earring has made its return appearance. I gotta say, at this point,, I am starting to agree with my husband on buying this dog.. yep.. not so much liking the dog right now. Hopefully it will turn up... err out .. eventually.

A. Storm and Scissors

I got my baby back yesterday! I never realize how much I miss him till I actually see him again. I am normally too busy enjoying the quiet alone time. Its funny how things work out that way, its not like I knew his middle name, Storm, would fit him to a T, but it certainly does. He comes in and out of your life moments just that way, whirling, turning and fast! He was gone to Nana's for a few days. Nana oh Nana.. how he loves Nana. I am quite partial to her myself since she's mom afterall.

I am probably weird to some in the sense that I don't acquire new "people" in my life when I move. I don't mean in general, I mean like eye doctors and hair stylists. I have had the same eye doctor since I was in fifth grade and have lived in six different cities during that time. Each of them the drive ranged from 45 minutes to 3 hours to get back to him. Same with hair stylist. I have only ever gone to one of two different gals that have done my hair since grade school.. and still make the trip back to the homeland to get their services.

Yesterday on my three hour trek to pick up A. Storm, I had already made an appointment to get my hair done. I am a natural blond gone awry since giving birth. Its still blond, naturally, but is now a dirty blond, which in turns makes me look dull and weary. So I ventured into the world of highlights several months ago. When I did this, I got about a foot of hair cut off and layered up to give me some volume. Yesterday was and up keep appointment and oh how I love having my hair done! I should pamper myself more and do it more often. In fact, hubby thinks its a good idea too! How can I lose with that kind of support!?

I should mention that I still have no arrival of the witch. Have no idea where she's gone off to!

Can't Breath, Sore Throat and Starving.

Sick.. I am sick.. but only partially.. it only comes on at night. Approximately at 10:30 every night.. I get so stopped up I can hardly stand it. My throat is so scratchy and hoarse by midnight its almost unbearable. Which in turn means I am not sleeping well.. well I should say not sleeping. Last night I went to sleep hard core.. and was in a light coma for a couple hours.. but alas, when I woke it was toss and turn all night. Apparently so much more last night that my poor husband even said something about it at lunch today.. and he goes into a DEEP coma every night at shut eye time!

On the flip side, when I do wake up.. it clears up almost immediately. Its like my body is telling me, we don't like it when you lay down,, so we're gonna torture you. Apparently though it isn't just laying down that brings it on, I took a nap in my chair today.. hoping for some reprieve, and when I woke from it,, sore throat from hell. So I instructed my husband not to come home without something to knock me out cold. Sudafed I was told is ok.. just in case..

That just in case.. is turning into a probably not in my mind however. Tomorrow will officially make me a week late. BUT with my temp drop this AM, ( not that it was too terribly accurate if at all) I am just ready to say I didn't really ovulate. So for now, I don't really expect the witch's arrival anytime soon.. unless induced. I imagine that she would come along after surgery, as that will throw my body into a serious whack out for at least a week.

We'll just have to see what the temps do. I have plenty of symptoms.. if you wanna call them that. If I want to believe this "cold" is one.. then the sore throat, runny nose, cramping, big time foggy headed, and oh did I mention I am starved constantly?!? I am the type of person, ironically that only gets really hungry about once a day. So what's a girl to do.. but wait.. cause after all isn't that everyone's favorite pasttime?!?