Brand New Life, Brand New Directions....Part I

Any planner knows that you can't always stick RIGHT to the plan.. but at least its there to give you some guidance.. and a truely talented planner.. also plans.. for the mishaps that will surely come along. Well, I had my plan in place.. and even made room for some bumps in the road... barring any huge disasters..but this time.. it was one disaster right after another.. NOTHING I could do to prepare for it.

A couple weeks before my surgery, going about my daily routines, only noticing my child wasn't acting "per his usual self". He was wanting to sleep all the time and not eating very much. He's a tough kid and deathly afraid of the doctor so any pains or discomfort he had would be kept to himself. I thought, as did a few friends, that he was going through a phase and would come out of it pretty quick. At the end of the first week of lethargy, that following Monday, the 18th, I had one of my other doc visits for prequalification and was planning on picking him up from school early because he had to go with me. The phone rang as I was getting my shoes on, it was his school, he was sick and had thrown up.. come get him. I was already on my way.

I get there, he's kinda pukey looking and call my mother in law to see if she could keep him instead since he wasn't feeling well. She says ok. He sleeps on the way to her house.. and right before we get there.. he wakes up and throws up. He basically lays with her the entire time I am gone and stays pretty yucky the rest of the night. I had talked with my husband on the way to his mother's and told him to call and make A. and appointment for tomorrow AM. He threw up a few more times that day and was just wiped.

April 19th, we get up early and head in. Still feeling yucky at this point.. I knew he must feel REALLY bad when he didn't complain about having to go to the doctor. We are finally called back and he starts complaining of his tummy hurting. Screaming bloody murder if you even breathed on it the wrong way. Doc turns to me and says.. we're gonna admit him, I believe he may have appendicitis. OK.. I think I can deal with that. Simple procedure, very common. The hospital is directly across from the doc office so I called my mother on the way over and as I pulled into the parking lot (I called my husband first and told him to come over right away) when she got on the phone I lost it and started bawling. "They're putting my baby in the hospital!!" She said "I will call you when I get into town to get directions... I am on my way!" And that was then end of that. She was at work and three and a half hours away. It was roughly 10:30AM.

They actually rushed our admittance a little cause I was freaking a little bit. Of course everything you always hear about appendicitis is HURRY HURRY HURRY.. get to it before it bursts! So that's all I could think of. They get him admitted and in a room. We go down for cat scans and x-rays. My mom was there at around 1:00pm. I lost it! HOURS later the doc comes in and says " we think its appendicitis but the scans are very vague and we can't really see what all is going on, we don't want to rule out everything else that might be causing his pain,, I want him in Vanderbilt's Children's Hospital." When I heard that last part, I almost lost it... that hospital is for SICK SICK kids, what's wrong with my baby?? He went on to say that I shouldn't get upset and he would rather him be there because of the care and equipment available that he couldn't get here. That eased my mind about---this much. Other family had arrived and came by during the course of the day.. and finally we were headed downtown to VCH.

We followed the ambulance there and everyone got checked and settled. By this time it was nearly 10pm and I had cried so much all day I could barely see anything through my contacts. Hadn't eaten a bite or had a drink of anything. Even if I wanted, my stomach wouldn't allow anything much to pass my lips. Two residents came in fairly quickly and we explained the history and they told us that in the AM they would run new cat scans and all the tests to pin point exactly what was going on.

The next day, all of that happened and several different times they came in trying to explain that it could be this,, ruling out that. That is was MOST LIKELY his appendix AND it had ruptured already. WHAT?!?! Shoudln't we get a move on people?!? WELLLL, they explain that since it HAD ruptured there wasn't a HUGE hurry to get it out and everything else was blah blah blah.. Either way, the surgeon would be preparing for his appendectomy with in a few hours. This being early afternoon, it was after 8 when they came for him. Billy and I stayed with him till they were ready to take him back and then began the wait.

A New Beginning... Finally

When I first contemplated having gastric bypass surgery, I had many road bumps immediately in front of me. Four years and three conslutations later, I am at a point I have never been. This point is both exciting and nerve wracking. Let me digress....

Initially, my husband and I went for a consultation and came out feeling not optimistic at all. Mostly because we figured that the insurance wouldn't cover it. We were right. Two months later that was confirmed. So, I put it out of my mind and began trying to accept the fact that it wouldn't happen for me.

Then a couple years go by, and we get a packet from his job informing us that they are changing insurance companies. One of our first thoughts was whether or not it was covered now. Oh ! To my surprise it appears that it is! Now the trick is to see if our particular policy is gonna coincide with that as well.

I waited a long while, determined to try and give it a go on my own, we decided that we would like to have a baby first then have the surgery. Thus began our trying to conceive journey. Roughly a year in, getting frustrated, we decided to maybe reverse that order and if done now, the kids wouldn't have to be that far apart.

Second consultation. He proposes a procedure more highly and offers only one method. His procedure was turned down and by this point had really scared me into thinking anything other than that would be much more risky. So, again, I decided to put it off. Another year went by and decided to see yet another doctor. I thought this would be an easy hit because I knew the other procedure was indeed covered.

I jump through all the hoops: 12 week monitored program, got tons of information together, proved I was qualified for the surgery.. and then I waited. I was in the process of finishing up some of the specifications for the 12 week program when I get a call.

"Hello"...

" yes.. Mrs Fairy.. Lisa just handed me your folder and we have you approved for surgery.. we need to get your consultation set up. " she says.

"Excuse me?" I say.. "approved?" ..."but I.. I.. I haven't finished the meetings..."

"Well you are approved so don't worry about them.. would this day be good for you?"

"uhh ok.. you are gonna have to hold on a minute.. I think I need to cry a little"

"(laughing a bit) go ahead hon.. take a minute.. this is big"

"hhmmm.. (picking my mouth up and clearing my throat).. ok what day and time?"

We set a date and time and I begin preparing to jump through a couple more hoops... psych evaluation and doc consulation. Psych Eval: CHECK and 300 bucks later. Doc Consult: CHECK and 200 bucks later. I am waiting to go see a Cardiologist and pulmonologist. My surgery is scheduled for April 27th.

I sorta wish I wouldn't have this day as a reminder of something in my life.. as it is my ex's birthday. Ohh the irony. But I will take it.

Friends Revisited

Throughout my life I have had many many friends. I remember the very first friendships that I formed before I even started school. Growing up in the small town that I did, these were friends that I went to school with from the beginning to the end. My friends tend to go through phases and come full circle. The ones that aren't held in that deep bond that true true friends hold. Although I remained friends with those from the beginning, naturally as I matured, I developed closer bonds with only a few during my teen years.

I can count on my fingers how many friends I have, and only on a little less than one hand the ones that will be there through out my life. During the early stages of my adulthood, I went through a couple of full circle friends with much heartbreak, but grew and learned from them.

I have friends that serve different purposes in my life. One of my closest friends provides a rock and faith in me, she reminds me of my strengths when I can't remember and never ever judges me for my miscomings. Another of my friends knows of a specific set of struggles I have faced over the past few years, as she as suffered as well, and while this is the reason we came together ultimately, our friendship is broad. My other close friend helps me see things that I wouldn't otherwise notice. She has a belief deep within her that I will succeed in my goals and reminds me of that regularly. She's one of my biggest cheerleaders. I love them all for everything they give to me, I only hope I provide enough in return.

I do have other friends that I maybe only talk to once, twice or possibly three times a year. That's enough to keep us sustained in our relationship and enough to stay caught up in each other's lives. The difference in these relationships oppossed to the other ones, I am the initiater. Simply put, I do that once, twice or three times a year calling. More often than not. I don't mind this. Keeping in touch with them rather than the other way. I value each of them in their own way, and at some point during our relationship they have given me enough proof that they do care. I am not one that needs continual proof of that. They were more to me than just a friendship of convience.

Friendships of convience are what I proclaim my husband to have. Each place he has been in his life, has formed seeminly close friendships with those around him and made memories for lifetimes. In the end, when he moved on from that place in his life, they were mostly left behind. I often ask him how it is he isn't bothered by not having any lasting friendships and he just replies in such a way that reminds me he's a man. It reminds me of some of the core differences between women and men and our emotional attachments.

Just this past week, we remembered his military buddies. Ones he had talked in great length about in our "getting to know you" phase, and ones he had essentially.. left behind. Six years ago I prompted him to get in touch with them and he did. But it didn't last more than a phone call. When we moved back to his hometown area, which happens to be where the long lost buddies lived.. he didn't make an effort to contact them. Here we are, living in the same small town and it didn't phase him to try and get together. His excuse is that he doesn't feel bad about it because its not like they made an effort either. So in an effort to get him to continue on with the bond he molded in his earlier life, I prompted him to give them a call once more. He did, they talked. We are getting together next Sunday.

Viva Las Lonely!!

Its that time of year again for the annual business trip/convention in the wonderful world of Las Vegas. This trip is a love hate relationship for both me and my husband. He's excited that he's going to get away for a few days and then dreading it because the majority of his time will be spent at conventions and award ceremonies. I am anxious because I will get to have some ME time and then on the flip side of that terribly lonely without him.

Normally, I would go to my mother's and spend a few days letting her visit with A and I will go to a few friends house to catch up with each other. That's not an option this year as A is in school. So that means I am single mom-ing it starting Monday AM till Thursday afternoon. This is where I find the good in being alone.

This is a good time to think about and be with myself. A time in which I can diddle daddle around the house or work really hard on certain tasks. A good time to count my blessings.

I am not typically one that takes things for granted. I am lucky enough to be one of those people that can see things and appreciate the moments and memories without having had a near death experience. This happened when I met my husband. I realized then the gift I had been given and vowed to never take it for granted from that moment on.

So while we certainly aren't the perfect couple who never fights, but we do miss each other in the moments and hours we are apart during the day, just like when we first started dating. The time when we lived three hours apart. The times we are apart just remind us of how much we mean to each other.

So although I take my dose of blessing counting daily, I guess its good for the soul to take a huge dose every once in a while.

Son-ipulated

Most people don't give children as much credit as they deserve for being witty, thoughtful and manipulative. When they throw fits or act as though their world is crumbling, these "acts" are simply their way of manipulating us to get what they want. A lot of parents/adults get it, but then, a LOOOTTT don't. They believe they just have a little booger on their hands.

My husband and I learned early on that our son was gonna be a super manipulator. You could just see it in his eyes. His actions always followed some careful thinking, as were his words. It doesn't take an intuitive person to see the wheels spinning in his head continuously. Now we knew that all kids were at some level master manipulators. However, as our child began to develop his intellectual skills we could see he would be quite gifted. Which while we were thrilled, we also realized we would have to become crafty and ever alert to his up coming "persuasions".

As he's grown, we have done well for ourselves, seeing the potential scenarios and calling them out as/before/right after they happened. Basically being able to stay on top of things. One thing we forgot to consider is making "outsiders" aware of his ability. Of course the grandparents were acutely aware of his skills and still are aware.. but no where near the extent that we are.

When we put him in preschool last year, they picked up really quick that he was gifted and so I had a lengthy talk with his teacher. Going over a few ins and outs about his behaviour and such. Any problems were fixed then and there. So, since he did very well in preschool with socializing and such we were geared and ready for Kindergarten. At the first parent teacher conference, the "get to know you" one.. I went over all this again with his teacher. Since he has LOVED school since day one, today's episode came as a shock.

So I get up this morning and proceed to get him out of bed, only today he had gotten up and was watching tv before I went in. So I said "good morning sunshine! Go on and get in the shower!" Upon which, he starts whining about not wanting to go to school because he will MISS. HIS. SHOW! Too bad I say, go on and get ready. We get all ready and head out. Drop off, kisses, have a good day and I love you's per usual. It came as a surprise when I hear my husband come bounding up the stairs at 11:30 and I say, "what are you doing here?" He says, "bringing your sick child home". At that very moment, I smelled manipulation in the air. He, proceeds to tell me that the school called home and my cell phone to no avail and that our child was throwing up and running a fever. Still, I was hesitant to believe. Even more so when the little one comes bouncing up the stairs to greet me. I said "well he sure doesn't act sick, do tell how this all went down". So my child meanders over to me and says "we had bbq sandwiches today and when I took a bite I threw up, but I can't remember what else we had." Hmmm.. ok, sure. Lunchtime comes and they are given two choices of what to eat. Not knowing what was for lunch is SO NOT like him. This is normally the first thing he shares when I pick him up.. "today we had corn dogs or hamburgers for lunch, and I had corndogs!" So my hubby and I speculated that the other choice was something he would have eaten, because well, bbq just looks to yucky to eat. Not to mention the fact that we have a picky eater on our hands.


I sit with A and tell him that he should thank daddy for bringing him home because I wouldn't have. I say that I know he isn't sick but rather pulling his "fake puke" episode to get what he wants. I explain also to the husband that the fever is easily explained as he was in a sweater in a heated building and coughing, so he was obviously HOT. The temperature he supposedly had was only 100.8. Working in childcare for a few years I know that parents usually aren't called in unless the temp is over 101.

My husband admitted that he suspected something was up when A's attitude seemed to change immediately leaving the doors of the school building behind. We got a laugh at it later, a laugh that also carries one of those nervous tones to it. One of those laughs that say under its breath that we've only just begun. The kind that says to you, if I can't go through you, I'll go around you, be warned. Yeah, one of those.

On the upside of this, I did get to steal my husband away from work for a little over an hour. Work is still winning however, work 71: home 12.. hours that is, waking hours. AND its only Friday. And since we're keeping score. A-1, School-0.

Denial Ain't Just a River

Denial can be a savior for some and a curse for others. For me, its my defense mechanism and my savior. I try to keep my denial to a minimum and only apply it to certain circumstances, but sometimes it does overflow into other areas. I stay in denial mostly about my struggles with this secondary infertility road I am travelling. It comes in handy when I have let myself become too hopeful and the truth is about to crumble my world. I live in a fantasy world for a couple weeks at a time and then the night before or a couple days out, I go on to changing my whole way of thinking.

The past 50 some odd days have been a rollercoaster between denial and realism. Day 28 of this ride seemed to be marked as the day of ovulation and although my temperatures indicated a possible egg popping.. the temp shift was never enough to convince me for certain. I had taken a new drug.. Femara.. which is supposed to be the equivalent of clomid but with less side effects. Well it has less side effects alright. They were almost non existent had I not been honed in and looking for them. So I went about my business waiting for my period to show up and she never did. I started having symptoms that weren't imaginary and things I hadn't had before. The acne started in and continued.. I was hungry every few hours.. couldn't sleep.. atypical cramps.. all those good old signs. In fact, I was enjoying the fact that I had so many new things going on with me that I had practically convinced myself that I had finally achieved my goal. That was, till last night.. when I went into shut down .. and began accepting that they would tell me my blood work results were that I had a negative beta and not only that.. I hadn't ovulated! Good thing for me I was prepared.. cause that is exactly what I was told. 'I'll call you back later to let you know about the next round of meds" nurse Ashley says to me.. "thanks" I say as if my heart hadn't skipped a beat.

The other thing that hurts my heart is that my husband really allowed himself to believe too.. cause he SAW the symptoms as well. When I called to tell him I was coming by, he was like is that all?? I told him.. "you can't be pregnant if you don't ovulate".. he was silent. Upon my arrival, you could clearly see how upset he was. It made me almost want to break down, but I stayed strong for him. I knew that if I showed how I really felt about it he wouldn't be able to move on and be productive the rest of the day.


I want to sit and cry all day long. I want to just get in the bed and just pull the covers up and sleep .. I want to sleep all day.. I mentioned today I believe I am sturggling with a bout of depression. I function normally.. but my body tells me it doesn't want to do anything. The sleepy's just wont' go away, no matter how much I get. It will pass though.. it always does.

I don't know what you would call my feelings about these issues. I have a hard time with people who dwell on things continually. I am the frame of mind that says.. grieve, take time for yourself, do what you need to do to move on.. but then MOVE ON. It doesn't even have to matter what it is.. just MOVE ON. And I know its so not that easy and everyone deals differently.. but maybe its because I have issues as well. I was abused both physically and mentally growing up, I have had loss in my life, I have been walked on and mistreated by friends and ex boyfriends, I have god awful self esteem and fight with myself daily to be a productive human being.. YET I don't dwell on any of that or let any of it keep me from being a good mother and wife. I deal on my own.. and mostly in silence. I mean good god why would anyone else wanna tackle those issues .. I mean REALLY get to the bottom of it all. There is a saying that those that consume your thoughts run your life. So, those things don't consume my thoughts. I have, I believe, learned to let go. I know they still reside somewhere inside, but they don't run my life. I may benefit from some anti depressants,, but I am so paranoid that anything I take my hinder my fertility struggles. Not to mention the fact that I have convinced myself I am strong enough on my own.. without their help.

Then again,, maybe its all just denial.

Just a Reminder

That is the phrase that me and my husband use to give little things to each other.. and we may not always say that exactly.. its just kinda "understood" that's what it is.. The first bouquet of flowers he sent me, which happened to be on the tail end of a break-up with my ex bf, he didn't sign the card,, so I wasn't sure who they were from before I saw the card..but the first three words were Just a Reminder.. I knew then it was him and then fantastic words followed. This AM he reminded me again how much he loves me. After having been up till nearly 4 AM preparing crafts for my son's cmas party this AM.. I get into the truck and on top of the steering wheel is a card.. on the front it said.. Turn the Key.. so first I read the card.. which brought tears to my eyes.. after he told me "you really are the better half of me"... and I cranked the truck and a CD I have mentioned in passing that I wanted was set to play my fave song from the CD.... I guess it was an early anniversary gift.. our 6th is next week.. and I couldn't love him more.

Deck the Halls....

Christmas time is quickly approaching and I stay just as content with putting off doing the Christmas shopping. I have always been a last minute shopper, but the past few years I have really tried to do better. This year, however, has found me in the same funk again. I felt a twinge of wanting to spend money the other day.. but it passed pretty fast. I know what I have to buy for everyone, its just a matter of going and doing it.

Intermittent with decorating and allll that holiday cheer, I have been doing another medicated cycle. For some reason I just don't feel like this med is gonna work. Would much rather have taken the clomid that I KNOW works. Maybe the doc was just humoring me.. either way we should know something soon. I can hope anyways.

On a good note, recently two checks have arrived in the mail. For over paying at some point. One of said checks came from the fertility clinic. I can't believe they are sending me back money, when supposedly the visit I had was gonna cost me 750 bucks because "you're meeting your deductible today Mrs. Fairy". Well I didn't and turns out somehow it got paid by insurance and now they are sending me money back! HEY! Who am I to argue? I love found money like that.. that will go a long way towards the Christmas shopping I will be doing probably on December 23rd. All except for the Secret Santa gifts I have to buy and get in the mail!

I love the aura that this season brings, the smells, the lights.. all of it. Anyone that has travelling to do during the holidays probably wishes, like I do, that it would just hurry and be over with. I hate that because people are so stubborn that they can't help out us travellers by celebrating on a different day, so as not to suck every last bit of joy out of us by being so damn tired we don't know if we are coming or going. Not to mention being around people we aren't ready to be around yet. Its really starting to suck all the way around. Some things are gonna have to change.. for sanity's sake.

Oh! The Sweet Irony.

Funny how things fall into place just as you were giving up hope on them. I had a plan, I followed through on the plan, I am in the middle of the new plan.. now the old plan comes a calling.

Getting going with the new plan of not just sitting idly around waiting, rather I will pursue another round of "get me a baby".. I called my doc up and requested the invitation pack for the lovely Aunt Flo, and the conception pack for my stalled eggies. I started work on the invitation pack and finish up pretty quickly with that.. only three days worth, and now am awaiting her arrival. The conception pack (aka femara/letrozole) can commence once the missing lady arrives.

Only a few days out of the invitation pack (aka progesterone, more specifically medroxyprogesterone) I get a call. Hold phone up, check out caller ID. Centen Med..it says. You have GOT to be kidding me! Answer and sure enough "We have our new 12 week program all set up now.. you still want the surgery right?" Why yes I do! Call the given numbers and low and behold one calls back within the hour! I get to start the program on Tuesday. LOVELY!

This should be oh so interesting to see who wins out. Will it be my eggies making an appearance or will I be chugging along still in a month preparing myself for surgery? OH THE SUSPENSE!

Well no better way to kill two birds with one stone.. HOW productive I do indeed feel!!!

Things Found

I am the type of person that needs a plan like everyone needs water. I feel uneasy and irritable, maybe even go through bouts of depression if there is no plan. Having experienced all these things recently, I realized that it was because I am in waiting... in limbo. About two weeks ago, the weight loss center called and informed me that I had been "tentatively" approved for the surgery. That to qualify fully..I have to go through their ( the centers) 12 week weight loss program, shell out 250 bucks and see on a rotating basis a endocrinologist, an exercise physiologist, and a nutritionist. Because THIS TIME is gonna make a difference! OF COURSE IT IS! These 12 weeks are gonna change my life and be the end all be all of diets and I will do soooo welllll that I won't need the surgery afterall!! RIIIGGHHTT!! Damn, why in the 30 years of my life haven't I thought of that before?!? Surely I don't have walking around sense.

SO, while I am waiting for them to call me back so I can set up appointments with these doctors, I am just waiting....waiting without knowing.. without knowing what to do with myself. In one of these moments, I confess to Lucy and another close friend, that I feel lost and that I was thinking of doing another round of meds whilst I wait. She agreed and said get to it! I called my doc up and spoke with the nurse, she spoke with him and called me back. I picked up my medroxyprogesterone today along with Femara. Not clomid, but supposedly its supposed to be better/as good as clomid. Apparently its the newest thing. We're giving it a go.

I feel so much better not having to waste time while I wait. At least I can feel like I am doing something. I have a plan!!! I feel whole again.

While I do feel whole again,, you know,, having a plan and all.. I also have dressed my ears again, and they aren't so naked anymore. I didn't buy them new clothes, but rather found and put back the comfortable set that once adorned those lobes of mine. Things are feeling right in my world again.

Who knew??

Back during the Halloween party my closest sister/brother in law throw every October, one of my other sister in laws suggested that we get the grandkids picture taken for the parents for Christmas. That was a great idea. I thought it would be a good chance to get my son's picture taken for the holidays as well. As we talked, we decided that there would be a dress code for the kids. Boys would wear black shirts khaki pants and girls would wear red~dresses most likely. I can see it now.. a great family pic!

A time and date were set up~November 6, at 10AM at Sears. No problem. Well, it was a stretch, as I am not a morning person and the place to be was easily 40 minutes away in GOOD traffic. So after having gone through my son's closet to see if he had the appropriate apparel, I realized that nothing would do. I had in my mind exactly what I wanted him to wear. Black sweater over a button up white long sleeve shirt, khaki pants and a pair of Saddle Oxford shoes. I made plans to pick up these items, mainly the sweater and shoes on Friday after I picked him up from school. We headed out at roughly 2pm. I wanted to start at the farthest place I wanted to go and work my way back towards my house. Naively thinking I would strike it lucky in my first and favorite store, off we go! This store was Kohls, and approximately 40 minutes from the house.

The area Khols sits in is in development, and as I hadn't been in some time,, the entire place had been built practically around it. Strip mall galore! There were a couple other options to check out for the items I pursued, Target and Ross'. In and out of all three with nothing to show for it but a couple casual sweaters that weren't what I NEEDED. They will be cute on him later, and he needed them, so its justified.

I get the distinct feeling this is not going to go very well. Back in the truck, I decide to call Peebles, they answer without hesitation that they DO NOT carry a solid black sweater for boys. At any rate, I start working my way back towards the house. There is an outlet mall in my town, so after I drop the kid off at my husband's store, I proceed, with confidence, for the outlet mall. I enter, Gap, Ralph Lauren, Hilfiger, Haggar, Oshkosh, and Carters. Even stepped into Name Brand Shoes to check on his Oxfords I wanted. Back to the truck, empty handed.

On the phone once again, I call Sears, no ma'am again without hesitation. Also calling Goody's, Walmart, and Kmart in this interim. At least Wally world and Kmart took the time to at least check and see. Still nothing. Hating the idea of him just wearing a plain turtle neck in the picture, I head back to the hubby's store to get on the phone to call the nearest REAL mall and their dept stores to check for the now sacred solid black sweater. Forget the shoes.. I will just put on him what we have already. Sit down, call Marshalls and no luck. Next up, Dillards. She says to me: "yes ma'am we have those!" I say "YOU DO???" and tell her I will be there at open to collect it.

With such excitement that they have the sacred black sweater, I didn't think to ask what time they opened. I just assumed it was 9AM. To be safe, I call back and ask,,,,,,, "we open at 10AM ma'am." OH NO! There's no time for in the AM, I have to go tonight. They are located in the same mall that the pictures will be in the AM so yes, I am headed out on another 40 minute trek to pick the sweater up. Its 7:20 at this juncture, if I hurry I can make it back to my hubby's store and we can all go and eat by 9.

Lucky for me, the Friday night traffic into one of the busiest sections of Nashville wasn't too bad and I found a parking spot right outside the door to the boy's department. There it was!! PERFECT in all its glory! And to make things even sweeter, the very inside top row of stitch in the collar was RED! So now with the white collar and hint of red and of course the black,,, all things fell into place! What?? Want a strawberry to put on top of that?? Well sure, here you go.. the shoe dept had his Saddle Oxfords as well. I gathered it all up and a couple extra items for him and head back to my boys in waiting. I walked back through my door at home at 11:15PM.

Who knew that one boy's solid black sweater would evade me for nearly six hours, 15 stores and over a hundred miles????

Things Missing

There are a couple of things that have been missing in my life for longer than I'd like, but there isn't much I can do about one of them. This/her absence I could invite back in with the help of meds, but why bother? I am not supposed to be trying right now anyways. I have come to the firm belief that I did in fact NOT ovulate when I originally thought, therefore she, the nasty old hag, won't be around anytime soon without an invitation. She can stay away if she wants, but absolutely better start coming back on when I demand! HA! I know better, she's failed me before and will fail me again. Her and the rest of my reproductive parts! MFers!

Recently, I had the experience to get up close and personal with dog poop..quite more than I will ever need to be again in my lifetime. Not finding what I was looking for after a week of scouring, I took the delivery man of said poop to the vet and had him x-rayed. Basically I spent 61 bucks for a picture of his insides,,, minus my diamond earring. As I had stashed the first couple of "samples" in a particular bag --just in case, I went back through them for one last check to make absolutely sure. Nope not there either.

On one hand I am pissed because I had to go through all that crap, literally, and on the other I am just glad it isn't in him. That leaves me to scour the area around where I set them to begin with. Hopefully it will turn up. My ears are feeling quite naked without them.

New additions

Toonces

AND

Karma

When we found ourselves without our Boo, the traitor,we decided to get a replacement of sorts. Originally only going in for one, my husband couldn't leave without his Toonces.. and I wasn't leaving without Karma.. so we have two new babies in our family now.

Porn Stars, Traitors and Poop

Living in a small-ish town just outside a metro city often allows the luxury of both types of living. Being that I live outside Music City USA aka Nashville, you are bound to run into some celebrity before too long. I haven't just yet.. but I do live near a few. So hearing that yet another celebrity is coming to a town near me wasn't anything that would make me turn my head and pay attention to the appearance dates. Well, quite the contrary when you hear exactly who it is. This celebrity is quite obviously the most famous celebrity in his field of work. This guy is coming to a nearby university to participate in a debate about his profession. He's gonna be defending it by the way. Well, while I don't necessarily mind the occassional skin flick, its another thing to actually see that person in the actual flesh,,, standing right in front of you.. IN PERSON. I won't be however, but I thought it quite interesting to know that THE Ron Jeremy is coming to a place not so far from my home and defending his work. I saw a documentary on him once, and his life hasn't been as peachy as some might think, simply because of the stigma he imposed upon himself when entering the ever prestigious field of pornography.. but hey.. what's that you say? You made your bed,, now lie in it! Somehow its fitting.

We have for the past 18 months had a cat and for the past 12 have had a dog join our family. Kenobi our dog was purchased much to the shagrin of my husband for a few hundred bucks. He has never paid for a dog and couldn't for the life of him understand why anyone would, because of course, to him the mut dogs love you more anyways. Well, Boo, the cat just came wandering up a couple months after we moved in here. We always figured she had a family, she was too friendly not to have, but she stayed around more than she was gone.. so we adopted her. Made her our own. Admittedly we never got around to putting the flea collar and tag on her we bought, but didn't feel the need to, and honestly just forgot most times. It wasn't so long ago that she came home with a flea collar on. After my husband and I were together at once with her, we realized that someone else had put it on her. Well, after much thought about us being the first or second family she was frequenting.. we came to the conclusion that we were the first and that if we were indeed the second the first wouldn't have waited so long about putting one on her and that she's found new people. Well, that upset me to a point.. clearly now she's coming around less frequently and has turned into quite the traitor. I am upset but what can I do but keep her indoors 24/7, when she clearly likes to roam? BAH! Damn traitor cat!

When we got Kenobi last year, I was determined to house train this dog. I failed miserably in that effort,, but it turns out he likes being outdoors for extended periods of time. So we're on a schedule now that makes everyone happy. While he's indoors, he's not allowed on furniture or on the bed.. things of the like. I didn't care so much before when he was freshly shaved, but since he's grown out some he's not as clean. So pending his upcoming shave, he's watched closely.. or so I thought. The head of our bed is at a double window in our room and a lot of times I will lay whatever up there till I retrieve it later. Usually just my thermometer sits up there. When he was a puppy, that's where he liked to sleep at night and it was a good place for me to keep an eye on him as well. The other night we were all playing /watching the gamecube and after having told him a few times already not to get up .. he snuck around somehow and the next thing I know, is sitting in the window seal swishing his tongue back and forth like he's chewing on something. I should probably mention that I took out my diamond earrings that morning because my ear was hurting and would be putting them back in come bedtime. Well it wasn't two seconds later I had leapt after him and started ramming my finger down his throat.. to no avail. It was too late. He had swallowed one of my earrings. I sobbed for a while, then proceeded to lock him in the bathroom. His outdoor time has been non existent and I wait patiently for his poop on the paper so I can have the distinct pleasure of going through it to see if my earring has made its return appearance. I gotta say, at this point,, I am starting to agree with my husband on buying this dog.. yep.. not so much liking the dog right now. Hopefully it will turn up... err out .. eventually.

A. Storm and Scissors

I got my baby back yesterday! I never realize how much I miss him till I actually see him again. I am normally too busy enjoying the quiet alone time. Its funny how things work out that way, its not like I knew his middle name, Storm, would fit him to a T, but it certainly does. He comes in and out of your life moments just that way, whirling, turning and fast! He was gone to Nana's for a few days. Nana oh Nana.. how he loves Nana. I am quite partial to her myself since she's mom afterall.

I am probably weird to some in the sense that I don't acquire new "people" in my life when I move. I don't mean in general, I mean like eye doctors and hair stylists. I have had the same eye doctor since I was in fifth grade and have lived in six different cities during that time. Each of them the drive ranged from 45 minutes to 3 hours to get back to him. Same with hair stylist. I have only ever gone to one of two different gals that have done my hair since grade school.. and still make the trip back to the homeland to get their services.

Yesterday on my three hour trek to pick up A. Storm, I had already made an appointment to get my hair done. I am a natural blond gone awry since giving birth. Its still blond, naturally, but is now a dirty blond, which in turns makes me look dull and weary. So I ventured into the world of highlights several months ago. When I did this, I got about a foot of hair cut off and layered up to give me some volume. Yesterday was and up keep appointment and oh how I love having my hair done! I should pamper myself more and do it more often. In fact, hubby thinks its a good idea too! How can I lose with that kind of support!?

I should mention that I still have no arrival of the witch. Have no idea where she's gone off to!

Can't Breath, Sore Throat and Starving.

Sick.. I am sick.. but only partially.. it only comes on at night. Approximately at 10:30 every night.. I get so stopped up I can hardly stand it. My throat is so scratchy and hoarse by midnight its almost unbearable. Which in turn means I am not sleeping well.. well I should say not sleeping. Last night I went to sleep hard core.. and was in a light coma for a couple hours.. but alas, when I woke it was toss and turn all night. Apparently so much more last night that my poor husband even said something about it at lunch today.. and he goes into a DEEP coma every night at shut eye time!

On the flip side, when I do wake up.. it clears up almost immediately. Its like my body is telling me, we don't like it when you lay down,, so we're gonna torture you. Apparently though it isn't just laying down that brings it on, I took a nap in my chair today.. hoping for some reprieve, and when I woke from it,, sore throat from hell. So I instructed my husband not to come home without something to knock me out cold. Sudafed I was told is ok.. just in case..

That just in case.. is turning into a probably not in my mind however. Tomorrow will officially make me a week late. BUT with my temp drop this AM, ( not that it was too terribly accurate if at all) I am just ready to say I didn't really ovulate. So for now, I don't really expect the witch's arrival anytime soon.. unless induced. I imagine that she would come along after surgery, as that will throw my body into a serious whack out for at least a week.

We'll just have to see what the temps do. I have plenty of symptoms.. if you wanna call them that. If I want to believe this "cold" is one.. then the sore throat, runny nose, cramping, big time foggy headed, and oh did I mention I am starved constantly?!? I am the type of person, ironically that only gets really hungry about once a day. So what's a girl to do.. but wait.. cause after all isn't that everyone's favorite pasttime?!?

Four and Fifteen Days and Counting....

Four days = number of days I am supposedly late. Yes, that's right. Although I am not completely convinced that I actually did ovulate, seeing as how I wasn't on any meds this go round and am technically on a break awaiting my pending consultation for bypass. Which leads me to Fifteen days = the number of days all my paperwork has been submitted and we are waiting on a response from insurance.

I suppose though that no news is good news.. as they only took four days to snap back a denial last time for the uncovered procedure..so I guess I can only assume they are actually checking the paperwork and will send the approval through when they get good and ready.. barring no account on those waiting on the answer of course!

Either way I believe I am ok with the outcome. I get to get skinny or I get to have a baby! woohoo .. who couldn't be happy with either of those choices?

Angel Eyes and Angel Toes

Sometimes I can't get over just how precious my child is. It's hard enough to believe that he's actually mine, let alone have these angel eyes and these angel toes.

Another One Lost.

I feel bad for not having written in a while, but I tend to write when I have major things to talk about. Now I have plenty to talk about. Getting it all out is a whole other issue. So let's see what I can accomplish.

As I have written about earlier, it is quite obvious I haven't always had the best of friends in my life, as both of the ones I considered better than anyone, they both dumped upon me.. and eventually just dumping me altogether. There has always been one person in my life. We didn't start out as best friends.. rather we actually couldn't stand each other in the younger years of our relationship. It wasn't till the onset of teenage years, that we started actually getting along and leaning on each other, for everything. I believed that no matter what we ever said to each other or how pissed we ever got at each other.. that because she is who she is.. that we would always have each other. I found out recently, that isn't the case.

You see, this person, held a secret for a long time. Only one or two people knew about it. When I became privy to it, I too, held it in confidence for many many years. Because the secret was something huge, it was something I dare not tell a soul without permission first and foremost. During this secrecy, I had to be a middle man a lot of the time, and do lots of defending and lying for her. There are times I felt like it might as well be my secret because I felt like I was bearing the brunt of knowing the truth. At any rate, she never had to guess or question whether I would be there for her at the drop of a hat.. stop everything I am doing and do for her, or even rearrange my schedule if there was something she needed. I did this because I loved her. ( no, not romantically).

So many times over the years, I sometimes felt as though she wouldn't do the same for me. Don't get me wrong, she would help me out now and then.. but it usually came on the terms of what she could get out of it, or if it wasn't an inconveinence to her. It was always hard to think of her as selfish because I believed I knew her real heart. But looking back, now I know that's simply what is was.. plain as day.. pure good old fashioned selfishness. Again, though because of who she was, I chose to ignore that. So I continued to enable her to be that way, by never saying no to her. I continued to make myself sick with worry over her because of her decisions she made, you name it, I was always on call.

As we grew into adults and began to mature, the secret was eating away at her. I, of course, was still holding the secret within me. By this time though.. several people had become knowledgeable to the secret. The main people who did not know were mom and the grandparents. If maybe you haven't guessed by now, this girl of which I speak, is my one and only sister. My only sibling. I have married and had my child by this time, and we had moved to TN. So, holidays were now spent travelling. Splitting our time between families. She had found someone herself at this juncture, and we were all home for the Christmas holiday.

This was a blue moon holiday in that my husband actually got to take the week of Christmas off for his vacation. That isn't likely to happen again in this life time. At any rate, we decided to spend a few extra days at my mom's house, because a couple months later, we learned that my grandfather had prostate cancer. We wanted to make sure to spend extra time with them. So, we were there on Christmas day, and the following two days. Everything was going well, until she decided that she could no longer keep the secret, it had to come out. So, on that Christmas evening, she goes to our mother and tells her what it is. Yes, you are probably right, she came out. She decided that Christmas day was the best time to tell our devout Southern Baptist mother that she was a lesbian. Good thought process there!! Only once again, somehow, I felt as though it might as well have been my secret because she and her girlfriend left a couple hours later and left me and my husband and child there to feel the wrath of that news for the next two days. Thinking back, I don't believe I ever got so much as an apology from her for doing that, but then again, she probably didn't think she did anything wrong by leaving me to deal with her mess. That's just the kind of thing she would do. All the time. I can't blame her entirely , I did, afterall, enable her to treat me that way.

Things were good for a while, then her and her girlfriend decided to move 13 hours away from us. I did what I could to be supportive of all she did and who she was and what she was turning into, but in the end I realized I just couldn't. It would mean compromising and being fake with her, and I just can't do that. I am not wired that way. This comes on the heels of a few years of telling her no. The year before she moved, I learned to tell her no. It was quite freeing.

This realization has been a long time coming, and recently I made her aware of how I felt about it. She has hounded us to come and visit and is continually hounding me about writing and communicating more. The visits aren't feasable because my husband so rarely gets off of work that he wouldn't be able to go, and the fact that he works 80 hours a week, make my time with him limited to begin with. So I am not thrilled about just getting up and leaving for a few days. I do realize it wouldn't be the end of the world, but aside from the time factor, its a money issue to. I will NOT dip into our "cushion" or savings to take a trip that can wait. We had planned on driving up there back in May and surprising her, but my husbands vacation got knocked and he still hasn't gotten to take one.. here it is the eve of October nearly. Also as if you couldn't tell, I am not much of a talker, only when I have something to say. So that put the space between us even farther.

She has turned into someone that I wouldn't care to have as a friend. It was a rare conversation when she wasn't telling me about all the political things she is doing now and all the fights she's fighting. Well , good for her, but I have no interest and told her as much. She proclaims to be fighting for everyone's rights, not just the ones that are immediate to her, but I know she's not fighting legislation to make infertility treatments mandatory coverage by insurance companies, or is she fighting to work on the medicare benefits that are slowly dwindling, nor is she fighting to lower drug costs, to name a few. The only thing I know she is worried about getting her nose in the middle of is gay /lesbian rights and issues... which I agree with. I don't think it should matter who you sleep with or who you love to be able to get married or covered under insurance together. The ones I do have a problem that's she so political on now,, are the very ones that she has always maintained she would never support. This sudden change of heart isn't her own doing,,although she was lead to believe she made her own decisions,,I know who really put her in that line of thinking. Which again, is ok, its natural to take on the interests of your partner/spouse. The point at which I believe its unhealthy is when it totally changes who you are and you become another person entirely, a clone of your significant other. And that's what my sister is now, a clone.

So, after sharing with her my feelings of her moving and who she has become, mind you NOT ONCE did I demean or berate or call ANYONE a name or make comment on the status of her relationship with her wife, not only did she feel the need to come back at me with anger and avengence, with name calling and attacking my family, and my life in general.. all because I don't believe what she does and am not standing up and fighting HER fight for her,,her wife felt the need to do it as well. I can take a lot of name calling and attacks if they are directed soley at me, but once you cross the line and bring my innocent family in and call them names as well, then its a done deal. I no longer know the person I used to call my best friend and sister. She is someone completely different now. And contrary to her belief that she has changed for the better,, she has become a sad, sad person. I never for one moment thought the day would come when I would actually end my relationship with her, but that's exactly what happened this week.

I talked with friends of mine and mentioned to them about me being the common factor in all three of the failed relationships that I held dear,, and one of them said I am NOT the common factor alone... one of the other ones is SELFISHNESS. At that moment, I knew she was absolutely right. I began to feel better about who I was, because I gotta be honest, I was feeling like a complete and utter failure as a friend. I guess the silver lining in all this is that with each failed relationship, I minimize the recovery time. I am still going over thousands of things in my head that I wish I had said. I know though, that the day will come when she will realize her actions were costly to both herself and her family, and she will have to hope its not too late to make amends.

I just hope that she doesn't think I only need time to cool off after telling her not to ever call my number again, that what she said didn't hurt and close the door. So as simple as it is, she crossed a line that I don't know that I can forgive, let alone allow her to continue to be a part of the family that she smites with every breath. No, I don't believe so. Another One Lost.

Its Unofficially Official

OK I know, bad me, for not posting earlier. I did the crime I will do the time! So, just in case any of the eyes that peruse my blog world were wondering about the arrival of the f'in bitch.. well she waited.. till I was officially three days late.. had a blood test .. IN MY HAND NO LESS.. and like the skies opening up on a cloudy day to drench us with sweet rain.. as soon as she said.. Sorry honey.. the test was negative.. almost immediately did she decide to show her face up for real. And so that's that! TTC Hiatus 2004 has begun!

So, in the mean time I have been mourning the loss of just TTC and the baby that has to wait. Staying busy this past week I thought would help.. but well I was wrong. While I enjoyed volunteering ( I am in the Volunteer State afterall), it turned into Is There ONE Woman That Isn't Pregnant in this school?!?! Yeah.. the answer to that is yes.. because afterall those who weren't were toting around a newborn! OMG! EVERYDAY!! So let me just warn, that if you are ending a period of your life with TTC to work on something else.. the worst place in the world to try and get on with it.. is to be a volunteer at an elementary book fair for six days and include the Open House in one of those nights. I did meet lots of new folks.. and for that I am glad.

In the meantime, I got my letter of request faxed to my old doc and today made a call to see if it was ready to be picked up, and low and behold it is. THANK YOU LORD! So with that being done, the phone call last week I made inquiring about the process of getting in for consultation will be started tomorrow. The new office gets you approved first then does the consultation so that insurance will cover that.. and basically talk to the doc and schedule surgery. So all that will be set in motion tomorrow when I drive into downtown and pick up the file and transfer it to the other doc along with all the info packet material. So my thinking is that with it only taking a phone call to transfer the approval ( per the words of the insurance company itself) I should be scheduled for a consultation at the latest early next week.. and then the surgery is 3-4 weeks out from that. So this ball is rolling people!!

It kinda freaks me out that its actually gonna happen. I think I will probably go around in a daze when I actually have a surgery date. Emotional won't begin to describe a feeling of reaching a life long goal you have for yourself. So I will probably be a nutcase the first few weeks. I mean this isn't like I am going back to being a normal average size.. this is going to it for the first time in my entire life. ALL THIRTY YEARS OF IT. All new ground. As much as it will be foreign to me physically, I think a lot of it emotionally will be familiar ground. I walked around most of my life with the attitude of a skinny person and with self confidence like you would never imagine. Its only been since having my son and my stomach muscles went all to hell from that have I actually felt my actual size. Times they are a changin!!

And so tomorrow getting the papers into their prospective places will make my next leg of the journey unofficially official till I get the call for consultation! Lots of vibes and wishes for a speedy process are wanted, needed and more than welcome!!

Ciao!