Denial Ain't Just a River

Denial can be a savior for some and a curse for others. For me, its my defense mechanism and my savior. I try to keep my denial to a minimum and only apply it to certain circumstances, but sometimes it does overflow into other areas. I stay in denial mostly about my struggles with this secondary infertility road I am travelling. It comes in handy when I have let myself become too hopeful and the truth is about to crumble my world. I live in a fantasy world for a couple weeks at a time and then the night before or a couple days out, I go on to changing my whole way of thinking.

The past 50 some odd days have been a rollercoaster between denial and realism. Day 28 of this ride seemed to be marked as the day of ovulation and although my temperatures indicated a possible egg popping.. the temp shift was never enough to convince me for certain. I had taken a new drug.. Femara.. which is supposed to be the equivalent of clomid but with less side effects. Well it has less side effects alright. They were almost non existent had I not been honed in and looking for them. So I went about my business waiting for my period to show up and she never did. I started having symptoms that weren't imaginary and things I hadn't had before. The acne started in and continued.. I was hungry every few hours.. couldn't sleep.. atypical cramps.. all those good old signs. In fact, I was enjoying the fact that I had so many new things going on with me that I had practically convinced myself that I had finally achieved my goal. That was, till last night.. when I went into shut down .. and began accepting that they would tell me my blood work results were that I had a negative beta and not only that.. I hadn't ovulated! Good thing for me I was prepared.. cause that is exactly what I was told. 'I'll call you back later to let you know about the next round of meds" nurse Ashley says to me.. "thanks" I say as if my heart hadn't skipped a beat.

The other thing that hurts my heart is that my husband really allowed himself to believe too.. cause he SAW the symptoms as well. When I called to tell him I was coming by, he was like is that all?? I told him.. "you can't be pregnant if you don't ovulate".. he was silent. Upon my arrival, you could clearly see how upset he was. It made me almost want to break down, but I stayed strong for him. I knew that if I showed how I really felt about it he wouldn't be able to move on and be productive the rest of the day.


I want to sit and cry all day long. I want to just get in the bed and just pull the covers up and sleep .. I want to sleep all day.. I mentioned today I believe I am sturggling with a bout of depression. I function normally.. but my body tells me it doesn't want to do anything. The sleepy's just wont' go away, no matter how much I get. It will pass though.. it always does.

I don't know what you would call my feelings about these issues. I have a hard time with people who dwell on things continually. I am the frame of mind that says.. grieve, take time for yourself, do what you need to do to move on.. but then MOVE ON. It doesn't even have to matter what it is.. just MOVE ON. And I know its so not that easy and everyone deals differently.. but maybe its because I have issues as well. I was abused both physically and mentally growing up, I have had loss in my life, I have been walked on and mistreated by friends and ex boyfriends, I have god awful self esteem and fight with myself daily to be a productive human being.. YET I don't dwell on any of that or let any of it keep me from being a good mother and wife. I deal on my own.. and mostly in silence. I mean good god why would anyone else wanna tackle those issues .. I mean REALLY get to the bottom of it all. There is a saying that those that consume your thoughts run your life. So, those things don't consume my thoughts. I have, I believe, learned to let go. I know they still reside somewhere inside, but they don't run my life. I may benefit from some anti depressants,, but I am so paranoid that anything I take my hinder my fertility struggles. Not to mention the fact that I have convinced myself I am strong enough on my own.. without their help.

Then again,, maybe its all just denial.

Just a Reminder

That is the phrase that me and my husband use to give little things to each other.. and we may not always say that exactly.. its just kinda "understood" that's what it is.. The first bouquet of flowers he sent me, which happened to be on the tail end of a break-up with my ex bf, he didn't sign the card,, so I wasn't sure who they were from before I saw the card..but the first three words were Just a Reminder.. I knew then it was him and then fantastic words followed. This AM he reminded me again how much he loves me. After having been up till nearly 4 AM preparing crafts for my son's cmas party this AM.. I get into the truck and on top of the steering wheel is a card.. on the front it said.. Turn the Key.. so first I read the card.. which brought tears to my eyes.. after he told me "you really are the better half of me"... and I cranked the truck and a CD I have mentioned in passing that I wanted was set to play my fave song from the CD.... I guess it was an early anniversary gift.. our 6th is next week.. and I couldn't love him more.

Deck the Halls....

Christmas time is quickly approaching and I stay just as content with putting off doing the Christmas shopping. I have always been a last minute shopper, but the past few years I have really tried to do better. This year, however, has found me in the same funk again. I felt a twinge of wanting to spend money the other day.. but it passed pretty fast. I know what I have to buy for everyone, its just a matter of going and doing it.

Intermittent with decorating and allll that holiday cheer, I have been doing another medicated cycle. For some reason I just don't feel like this med is gonna work. Would much rather have taken the clomid that I KNOW works. Maybe the doc was just humoring me.. either way we should know something soon. I can hope anyways.

On a good note, recently two checks have arrived in the mail. For over paying at some point. One of said checks came from the fertility clinic. I can't believe they are sending me back money, when supposedly the visit I had was gonna cost me 750 bucks because "you're meeting your deductible today Mrs. Fairy". Well I didn't and turns out somehow it got paid by insurance and now they are sending me money back! HEY! Who am I to argue? I love found money like that.. that will go a long way towards the Christmas shopping I will be doing probably on December 23rd. All except for the Secret Santa gifts I have to buy and get in the mail!

I love the aura that this season brings, the smells, the lights.. all of it. Anyone that has travelling to do during the holidays probably wishes, like I do, that it would just hurry and be over with. I hate that because people are so stubborn that they can't help out us travellers by celebrating on a different day, so as not to suck every last bit of joy out of us by being so damn tired we don't know if we are coming or going. Not to mention being around people we aren't ready to be around yet. Its really starting to suck all the way around. Some things are gonna have to change.. for sanity's sake.

Oh! The Sweet Irony.

Funny how things fall into place just as you were giving up hope on them. I had a plan, I followed through on the plan, I am in the middle of the new plan.. now the old plan comes a calling.

Getting going with the new plan of not just sitting idly around waiting, rather I will pursue another round of "get me a baby".. I called my doc up and requested the invitation pack for the lovely Aunt Flo, and the conception pack for my stalled eggies. I started work on the invitation pack and finish up pretty quickly with that.. only three days worth, and now am awaiting her arrival. The conception pack (aka femara/letrozole) can commence once the missing lady arrives.

Only a few days out of the invitation pack (aka progesterone, more specifically medroxyprogesterone) I get a call. Hold phone up, check out caller ID. Centen Med..it says. You have GOT to be kidding me! Answer and sure enough "We have our new 12 week program all set up now.. you still want the surgery right?" Why yes I do! Call the given numbers and low and behold one calls back within the hour! I get to start the program on Tuesday. LOVELY!

This should be oh so interesting to see who wins out. Will it be my eggies making an appearance or will I be chugging along still in a month preparing myself for surgery? OH THE SUSPENSE!

Well no better way to kill two birds with one stone.. HOW productive I do indeed feel!!!

Things Found

I am the type of person that needs a plan like everyone needs water. I feel uneasy and irritable, maybe even go through bouts of depression if there is no plan. Having experienced all these things recently, I realized that it was because I am in waiting... in limbo. About two weeks ago, the weight loss center called and informed me that I had been "tentatively" approved for the surgery. That to qualify fully..I have to go through their ( the centers) 12 week weight loss program, shell out 250 bucks and see on a rotating basis a endocrinologist, an exercise physiologist, and a nutritionist. Because THIS TIME is gonna make a difference! OF COURSE IT IS! These 12 weeks are gonna change my life and be the end all be all of diets and I will do soooo welllll that I won't need the surgery afterall!! RIIIGGHHTT!! Damn, why in the 30 years of my life haven't I thought of that before?!? Surely I don't have walking around sense.

SO, while I am waiting for them to call me back so I can set up appointments with these doctors, I am just waiting....waiting without knowing.. without knowing what to do with myself. In one of these moments, I confess to Lucy and another close friend, that I feel lost and that I was thinking of doing another round of meds whilst I wait. She agreed and said get to it! I called my doc up and spoke with the nurse, she spoke with him and called me back. I picked up my medroxyprogesterone today along with Femara. Not clomid, but supposedly its supposed to be better/as good as clomid. Apparently its the newest thing. We're giving it a go.

I feel so much better not having to waste time while I wait. At least I can feel like I am doing something. I have a plan!!! I feel whole again.

While I do feel whole again,, you know,, having a plan and all.. I also have dressed my ears again, and they aren't so naked anymore. I didn't buy them new clothes, but rather found and put back the comfortable set that once adorned those lobes of mine. Things are feeling right in my world again.

Who knew??

Back during the Halloween party my closest sister/brother in law throw every October, one of my other sister in laws suggested that we get the grandkids picture taken for the parents for Christmas. That was a great idea. I thought it would be a good chance to get my son's picture taken for the holidays as well. As we talked, we decided that there would be a dress code for the kids. Boys would wear black shirts khaki pants and girls would wear red~dresses most likely. I can see it now.. a great family pic!

A time and date were set up~November 6, at 10AM at Sears. No problem. Well, it was a stretch, as I am not a morning person and the place to be was easily 40 minutes away in GOOD traffic. So after having gone through my son's closet to see if he had the appropriate apparel, I realized that nothing would do. I had in my mind exactly what I wanted him to wear. Black sweater over a button up white long sleeve shirt, khaki pants and a pair of Saddle Oxford shoes. I made plans to pick up these items, mainly the sweater and shoes on Friday after I picked him up from school. We headed out at roughly 2pm. I wanted to start at the farthest place I wanted to go and work my way back towards my house. Naively thinking I would strike it lucky in my first and favorite store, off we go! This store was Kohls, and approximately 40 minutes from the house.

The area Khols sits in is in development, and as I hadn't been in some time,, the entire place had been built practically around it. Strip mall galore! There were a couple other options to check out for the items I pursued, Target and Ross'. In and out of all three with nothing to show for it but a couple casual sweaters that weren't what I NEEDED. They will be cute on him later, and he needed them, so its justified.

I get the distinct feeling this is not going to go very well. Back in the truck, I decide to call Peebles, they answer without hesitation that they DO NOT carry a solid black sweater for boys. At any rate, I start working my way back towards the house. There is an outlet mall in my town, so after I drop the kid off at my husband's store, I proceed, with confidence, for the outlet mall. I enter, Gap, Ralph Lauren, Hilfiger, Haggar, Oshkosh, and Carters. Even stepped into Name Brand Shoes to check on his Oxfords I wanted. Back to the truck, empty handed.

On the phone once again, I call Sears, no ma'am again without hesitation. Also calling Goody's, Walmart, and Kmart in this interim. At least Wally world and Kmart took the time to at least check and see. Still nothing. Hating the idea of him just wearing a plain turtle neck in the picture, I head back to the hubby's store to get on the phone to call the nearest REAL mall and their dept stores to check for the now sacred solid black sweater. Forget the shoes.. I will just put on him what we have already. Sit down, call Marshalls and no luck. Next up, Dillards. She says to me: "yes ma'am we have those!" I say "YOU DO???" and tell her I will be there at open to collect it.

With such excitement that they have the sacred black sweater, I didn't think to ask what time they opened. I just assumed it was 9AM. To be safe, I call back and ask,,,,,,, "we open at 10AM ma'am." OH NO! There's no time for in the AM, I have to go tonight. They are located in the same mall that the pictures will be in the AM so yes, I am headed out on another 40 minute trek to pick the sweater up. Its 7:20 at this juncture, if I hurry I can make it back to my hubby's store and we can all go and eat by 9.

Lucky for me, the Friday night traffic into one of the busiest sections of Nashville wasn't too bad and I found a parking spot right outside the door to the boy's department. There it was!! PERFECT in all its glory! And to make things even sweeter, the very inside top row of stitch in the collar was RED! So now with the white collar and hint of red and of course the black,,, all things fell into place! What?? Want a strawberry to put on top of that?? Well sure, here you go.. the shoe dept had his Saddle Oxfords as well. I gathered it all up and a couple extra items for him and head back to my boys in waiting. I walked back through my door at home at 11:15PM.

Who knew that one boy's solid black sweater would evade me for nearly six hours, 15 stores and over a hundred miles????

Things Missing

There are a couple of things that have been missing in my life for longer than I'd like, but there isn't much I can do about one of them. This/her absence I could invite back in with the help of meds, but why bother? I am not supposed to be trying right now anyways. I have come to the firm belief that I did in fact NOT ovulate when I originally thought, therefore she, the nasty old hag, won't be around anytime soon without an invitation. She can stay away if she wants, but absolutely better start coming back on when I demand! HA! I know better, she's failed me before and will fail me again. Her and the rest of my reproductive parts! MFers!

Recently, I had the experience to get up close and personal with dog poop..quite more than I will ever need to be again in my lifetime. Not finding what I was looking for after a week of scouring, I took the delivery man of said poop to the vet and had him x-rayed. Basically I spent 61 bucks for a picture of his insides,,, minus my diamond earring. As I had stashed the first couple of "samples" in a particular bag --just in case, I went back through them for one last check to make absolutely sure. Nope not there either.

On one hand I am pissed because I had to go through all that crap, literally, and on the other I am just glad it isn't in him. That leaves me to scour the area around where I set them to begin with. Hopefully it will turn up. My ears are feeling quite naked without them.

New additions

Toonces

AND

Karma

When we found ourselves without our Boo, the traitor,we decided to get a replacement of sorts. Originally only going in for one, my husband couldn't leave without his Toonces.. and I wasn't leaving without Karma.. so we have two new babies in our family now.

Porn Stars, Traitors and Poop

Living in a small-ish town just outside a metro city often allows the luxury of both types of living. Being that I live outside Music City USA aka Nashville, you are bound to run into some celebrity before too long. I haven't just yet.. but I do live near a few. So hearing that yet another celebrity is coming to a town near me wasn't anything that would make me turn my head and pay attention to the appearance dates. Well, quite the contrary when you hear exactly who it is. This celebrity is quite obviously the most famous celebrity in his field of work. This guy is coming to a nearby university to participate in a debate about his profession. He's gonna be defending it by the way. Well, while I don't necessarily mind the occassional skin flick, its another thing to actually see that person in the actual flesh,,, standing right in front of you.. IN PERSON. I won't be however, but I thought it quite interesting to know that THE Ron Jeremy is coming to a place not so far from my home and defending his work. I saw a documentary on him once, and his life hasn't been as peachy as some might think, simply because of the stigma he imposed upon himself when entering the ever prestigious field of pornography.. but hey.. what's that you say? You made your bed,, now lie in it! Somehow its fitting.

We have for the past 18 months had a cat and for the past 12 have had a dog join our family. Kenobi our dog was purchased much to the shagrin of my husband for a few hundred bucks. He has never paid for a dog and couldn't for the life of him understand why anyone would, because of course, to him the mut dogs love you more anyways. Well, Boo, the cat just came wandering up a couple months after we moved in here. We always figured she had a family, she was too friendly not to have, but she stayed around more than she was gone.. so we adopted her. Made her our own. Admittedly we never got around to putting the flea collar and tag on her we bought, but didn't feel the need to, and honestly just forgot most times. It wasn't so long ago that she came home with a flea collar on. After my husband and I were together at once with her, we realized that someone else had put it on her. Well, after much thought about us being the first or second family she was frequenting.. we came to the conclusion that we were the first and that if we were indeed the second the first wouldn't have waited so long about putting one on her and that she's found new people. Well, that upset me to a point.. clearly now she's coming around less frequently and has turned into quite the traitor. I am upset but what can I do but keep her indoors 24/7, when she clearly likes to roam? BAH! Damn traitor cat!

When we got Kenobi last year, I was determined to house train this dog. I failed miserably in that effort,, but it turns out he likes being outdoors for extended periods of time. So we're on a schedule now that makes everyone happy. While he's indoors, he's not allowed on furniture or on the bed.. things of the like. I didn't care so much before when he was freshly shaved, but since he's grown out some he's not as clean. So pending his upcoming shave, he's watched closely.. or so I thought. The head of our bed is at a double window in our room and a lot of times I will lay whatever up there till I retrieve it later. Usually just my thermometer sits up there. When he was a puppy, that's where he liked to sleep at night and it was a good place for me to keep an eye on him as well. The other night we were all playing /watching the gamecube and after having told him a few times already not to get up .. he snuck around somehow and the next thing I know, is sitting in the window seal swishing his tongue back and forth like he's chewing on something. I should probably mention that I took out my diamond earrings that morning because my ear was hurting and would be putting them back in come bedtime. Well it wasn't two seconds later I had leapt after him and started ramming my finger down his throat.. to no avail. It was too late. He had swallowed one of my earrings. I sobbed for a while, then proceeded to lock him in the bathroom. His outdoor time has been non existent and I wait patiently for his poop on the paper so I can have the distinct pleasure of going through it to see if my earring has made its return appearance. I gotta say, at this point,, I am starting to agree with my husband on buying this dog.. yep.. not so much liking the dog right now. Hopefully it will turn up... err out .. eventually.

A. Storm and Scissors

I got my baby back yesterday! I never realize how much I miss him till I actually see him again. I am normally too busy enjoying the quiet alone time. Its funny how things work out that way, its not like I knew his middle name, Storm, would fit him to a T, but it certainly does. He comes in and out of your life moments just that way, whirling, turning and fast! He was gone to Nana's for a few days. Nana oh Nana.. how he loves Nana. I am quite partial to her myself since she's mom afterall.

I am probably weird to some in the sense that I don't acquire new "people" in my life when I move. I don't mean in general, I mean like eye doctors and hair stylists. I have had the same eye doctor since I was in fifth grade and have lived in six different cities during that time. Each of them the drive ranged from 45 minutes to 3 hours to get back to him. Same with hair stylist. I have only ever gone to one of two different gals that have done my hair since grade school.. and still make the trip back to the homeland to get their services.

Yesterday on my three hour trek to pick up A. Storm, I had already made an appointment to get my hair done. I am a natural blond gone awry since giving birth. Its still blond, naturally, but is now a dirty blond, which in turns makes me look dull and weary. So I ventured into the world of highlights several months ago. When I did this, I got about a foot of hair cut off and layered up to give me some volume. Yesterday was and up keep appointment and oh how I love having my hair done! I should pamper myself more and do it more often. In fact, hubby thinks its a good idea too! How can I lose with that kind of support!?

I should mention that I still have no arrival of the witch. Have no idea where she's gone off to!

Can't Breath, Sore Throat and Starving.

Sick.. I am sick.. but only partially.. it only comes on at night. Approximately at 10:30 every night.. I get so stopped up I can hardly stand it. My throat is so scratchy and hoarse by midnight its almost unbearable. Which in turn means I am not sleeping well.. well I should say not sleeping. Last night I went to sleep hard core.. and was in a light coma for a couple hours.. but alas, when I woke it was toss and turn all night. Apparently so much more last night that my poor husband even said something about it at lunch today.. and he goes into a DEEP coma every night at shut eye time!

On the flip side, when I do wake up.. it clears up almost immediately. Its like my body is telling me, we don't like it when you lay down,, so we're gonna torture you. Apparently though it isn't just laying down that brings it on, I took a nap in my chair today.. hoping for some reprieve, and when I woke from it,, sore throat from hell. So I instructed my husband not to come home without something to knock me out cold. Sudafed I was told is ok.. just in case..

That just in case.. is turning into a probably not in my mind however. Tomorrow will officially make me a week late. BUT with my temp drop this AM, ( not that it was too terribly accurate if at all) I am just ready to say I didn't really ovulate. So for now, I don't really expect the witch's arrival anytime soon.. unless induced. I imagine that she would come along after surgery, as that will throw my body into a serious whack out for at least a week.

We'll just have to see what the temps do. I have plenty of symptoms.. if you wanna call them that. If I want to believe this "cold" is one.. then the sore throat, runny nose, cramping, big time foggy headed, and oh did I mention I am starved constantly?!? I am the type of person, ironically that only gets really hungry about once a day. So what's a girl to do.. but wait.. cause after all isn't that everyone's favorite pasttime?!?

Four and Fifteen Days and Counting....

Four days = number of days I am supposedly late. Yes, that's right. Although I am not completely convinced that I actually did ovulate, seeing as how I wasn't on any meds this go round and am technically on a break awaiting my pending consultation for bypass. Which leads me to Fifteen days = the number of days all my paperwork has been submitted and we are waiting on a response from insurance.

I suppose though that no news is good news.. as they only took four days to snap back a denial last time for the uncovered procedure..so I guess I can only assume they are actually checking the paperwork and will send the approval through when they get good and ready.. barring no account on those waiting on the answer of course!

Either way I believe I am ok with the outcome. I get to get skinny or I get to have a baby! woohoo .. who couldn't be happy with either of those choices?

Angel Eyes and Angel Toes

Sometimes I can't get over just how precious my child is. It's hard enough to believe that he's actually mine, let alone have these angel eyes and these angel toes.

Another One Lost.

I feel bad for not having written in a while, but I tend to write when I have major things to talk about. Now I have plenty to talk about. Getting it all out is a whole other issue. So let's see what I can accomplish.

As I have written about earlier, it is quite obvious I haven't always had the best of friends in my life, as both of the ones I considered better than anyone, they both dumped upon me.. and eventually just dumping me altogether. There has always been one person in my life. We didn't start out as best friends.. rather we actually couldn't stand each other in the younger years of our relationship. It wasn't till the onset of teenage years, that we started actually getting along and leaning on each other, for everything. I believed that no matter what we ever said to each other or how pissed we ever got at each other.. that because she is who she is.. that we would always have each other. I found out recently, that isn't the case.

You see, this person, held a secret for a long time. Only one or two people knew about it. When I became privy to it, I too, held it in confidence for many many years. Because the secret was something huge, it was something I dare not tell a soul without permission first and foremost. During this secrecy, I had to be a middle man a lot of the time, and do lots of defending and lying for her. There are times I felt like it might as well be my secret because I felt like I was bearing the brunt of knowing the truth. At any rate, she never had to guess or question whether I would be there for her at the drop of a hat.. stop everything I am doing and do for her, or even rearrange my schedule if there was something she needed. I did this because I loved her. ( no, not romantically).

So many times over the years, I sometimes felt as though she wouldn't do the same for me. Don't get me wrong, she would help me out now and then.. but it usually came on the terms of what she could get out of it, or if it wasn't an inconveinence to her. It was always hard to think of her as selfish because I believed I knew her real heart. But looking back, now I know that's simply what is was.. plain as day.. pure good old fashioned selfishness. Again, though because of who she was, I chose to ignore that. So I continued to enable her to be that way, by never saying no to her. I continued to make myself sick with worry over her because of her decisions she made, you name it, I was always on call.

As we grew into adults and began to mature, the secret was eating away at her. I, of course, was still holding the secret within me. By this time though.. several people had become knowledgeable to the secret. The main people who did not know were mom and the grandparents. If maybe you haven't guessed by now, this girl of which I speak, is my one and only sister. My only sibling. I have married and had my child by this time, and we had moved to TN. So, holidays were now spent travelling. Splitting our time between families. She had found someone herself at this juncture, and we were all home for the Christmas holiday.

This was a blue moon holiday in that my husband actually got to take the week of Christmas off for his vacation. That isn't likely to happen again in this life time. At any rate, we decided to spend a few extra days at my mom's house, because a couple months later, we learned that my grandfather had prostate cancer. We wanted to make sure to spend extra time with them. So, we were there on Christmas day, and the following two days. Everything was going well, until she decided that she could no longer keep the secret, it had to come out. So, on that Christmas evening, she goes to our mother and tells her what it is. Yes, you are probably right, she came out. She decided that Christmas day was the best time to tell our devout Southern Baptist mother that she was a lesbian. Good thought process there!! Only once again, somehow, I felt as though it might as well have been my secret because she and her girlfriend left a couple hours later and left me and my husband and child there to feel the wrath of that news for the next two days. Thinking back, I don't believe I ever got so much as an apology from her for doing that, but then again, she probably didn't think she did anything wrong by leaving me to deal with her mess. That's just the kind of thing she would do. All the time. I can't blame her entirely , I did, afterall, enable her to treat me that way.

Things were good for a while, then her and her girlfriend decided to move 13 hours away from us. I did what I could to be supportive of all she did and who she was and what she was turning into, but in the end I realized I just couldn't. It would mean compromising and being fake with her, and I just can't do that. I am not wired that way. This comes on the heels of a few years of telling her no. The year before she moved, I learned to tell her no. It was quite freeing.

This realization has been a long time coming, and recently I made her aware of how I felt about it. She has hounded us to come and visit and is continually hounding me about writing and communicating more. The visits aren't feasable because my husband so rarely gets off of work that he wouldn't be able to go, and the fact that he works 80 hours a week, make my time with him limited to begin with. So I am not thrilled about just getting up and leaving for a few days. I do realize it wouldn't be the end of the world, but aside from the time factor, its a money issue to. I will NOT dip into our "cushion" or savings to take a trip that can wait. We had planned on driving up there back in May and surprising her, but my husbands vacation got knocked and he still hasn't gotten to take one.. here it is the eve of October nearly. Also as if you couldn't tell, I am not much of a talker, only when I have something to say. So that put the space between us even farther.

She has turned into someone that I wouldn't care to have as a friend. It was a rare conversation when she wasn't telling me about all the political things she is doing now and all the fights she's fighting. Well , good for her, but I have no interest and told her as much. She proclaims to be fighting for everyone's rights, not just the ones that are immediate to her, but I know she's not fighting legislation to make infertility treatments mandatory coverage by insurance companies, or is she fighting to work on the medicare benefits that are slowly dwindling, nor is she fighting to lower drug costs, to name a few. The only thing I know she is worried about getting her nose in the middle of is gay /lesbian rights and issues... which I agree with. I don't think it should matter who you sleep with or who you love to be able to get married or covered under insurance together. The ones I do have a problem that's she so political on now,, are the very ones that she has always maintained she would never support. This sudden change of heart isn't her own doing,,although she was lead to believe she made her own decisions,,I know who really put her in that line of thinking. Which again, is ok, its natural to take on the interests of your partner/spouse. The point at which I believe its unhealthy is when it totally changes who you are and you become another person entirely, a clone of your significant other. And that's what my sister is now, a clone.

So, after sharing with her my feelings of her moving and who she has become, mind you NOT ONCE did I demean or berate or call ANYONE a name or make comment on the status of her relationship with her wife, not only did she feel the need to come back at me with anger and avengence, with name calling and attacking my family, and my life in general.. all because I don't believe what she does and am not standing up and fighting HER fight for her,,her wife felt the need to do it as well. I can take a lot of name calling and attacks if they are directed soley at me, but once you cross the line and bring my innocent family in and call them names as well, then its a done deal. I no longer know the person I used to call my best friend and sister. She is someone completely different now. And contrary to her belief that she has changed for the better,, she has become a sad, sad person. I never for one moment thought the day would come when I would actually end my relationship with her, but that's exactly what happened this week.

I talked with friends of mine and mentioned to them about me being the common factor in all three of the failed relationships that I held dear,, and one of them said I am NOT the common factor alone... one of the other ones is SELFISHNESS. At that moment, I knew she was absolutely right. I began to feel better about who I was, because I gotta be honest, I was feeling like a complete and utter failure as a friend. I guess the silver lining in all this is that with each failed relationship, I minimize the recovery time. I am still going over thousands of things in my head that I wish I had said. I know though, that the day will come when she will realize her actions were costly to both herself and her family, and she will have to hope its not too late to make amends.

I just hope that she doesn't think I only need time to cool off after telling her not to ever call my number again, that what she said didn't hurt and close the door. So as simple as it is, she crossed a line that I don't know that I can forgive, let alone allow her to continue to be a part of the family that she smites with every breath. No, I don't believe so. Another One Lost.

Its Unofficially Official

OK I know, bad me, for not posting earlier. I did the crime I will do the time! So, just in case any of the eyes that peruse my blog world were wondering about the arrival of the f'in bitch.. well she waited.. till I was officially three days late.. had a blood test .. IN MY HAND NO LESS.. and like the skies opening up on a cloudy day to drench us with sweet rain.. as soon as she said.. Sorry honey.. the test was negative.. almost immediately did she decide to show her face up for real. And so that's that! TTC Hiatus 2004 has begun!

So, in the mean time I have been mourning the loss of just TTC and the baby that has to wait. Staying busy this past week I thought would help.. but well I was wrong. While I enjoyed volunteering ( I am in the Volunteer State afterall), it turned into Is There ONE Woman That Isn't Pregnant in this school?!?! Yeah.. the answer to that is yes.. because afterall those who weren't were toting around a newborn! OMG! EVERYDAY!! So let me just warn, that if you are ending a period of your life with TTC to work on something else.. the worst place in the world to try and get on with it.. is to be a volunteer at an elementary book fair for six days and include the Open House in one of those nights. I did meet lots of new folks.. and for that I am glad.

In the meantime, I got my letter of request faxed to my old doc and today made a call to see if it was ready to be picked up, and low and behold it is. THANK YOU LORD! So with that being done, the phone call last week I made inquiring about the process of getting in for consultation will be started tomorrow. The new office gets you approved first then does the consultation so that insurance will cover that.. and basically talk to the doc and schedule surgery. So all that will be set in motion tomorrow when I drive into downtown and pick up the file and transfer it to the other doc along with all the info packet material. So my thinking is that with it only taking a phone call to transfer the approval ( per the words of the insurance company itself) I should be scheduled for a consultation at the latest early next week.. and then the surgery is 3-4 weeks out from that. So this ball is rolling people!!

It kinda freaks me out that its actually gonna happen. I think I will probably go around in a daze when I actually have a surgery date. Emotional won't begin to describe a feeling of reaching a life long goal you have for yourself. So I will probably be a nutcase the first few weeks. I mean this isn't like I am going back to being a normal average size.. this is going to it for the first time in my entire life. ALL THIRTY YEARS OF IT. All new ground. As much as it will be foreign to me physically, I think a lot of it emotionally will be familiar ground. I walked around most of my life with the attitude of a skinny person and with self confidence like you would never imagine. Its only been since having my son and my stomach muscles went all to hell from that have I actually felt my actual size. Times they are a changin!!

And so tomorrow getting the papers into their prospective places will make my next leg of the journey unofficially official till I get the call for consultation! Lots of vibes and wishes for a speedy process are wanted, needed and more than welcome!!

Ciao!

Replacement Dreams, Sick Pups and Cucumber Sandwiches

Well I said the next two weeks would prove interesting.. but it turns out that the last two weeks weren't the interesting part.. it was this AM. With my huge temp drop on 12dpo.. Thursday.. I knew the end was coming.. So for the past ohh 36 hours I have been telling my husband he better get it while he can.. as the wicked bitch would be here when I wake up on Saturday AM and then it would be 4-5 days before he would get any. Hmm.. let me clarify.. I wasn't telling him this for his benefit.. its absolutely and totally for me.. as I am on a three day time frame.. more than that.. and I am terribly unpleasant to live with.. lol.. Only when I have no control over it do I last longer without consequence. Well seeing as how he had a hard beat down day yesterday.. ( and who wouldn't coming up on your 70th work hour this week, and looking at another 10 the next day?), we didn't get any loving in last night.. so I resigned myself to the fact that it will be mid/late next week when I could "replenish". The interesting part in all this is that when I eagerly went to the bathroom this morning I was so ready to see her arrival.. and low and behold.. she was MIA! Well now I am baffled.. Since I have been ovulating.. I have had a 14 day LP to the nose.. each time.. well she shows up on 14dpo.. so whatever way you want to look at it.

We had a busy morning with soccer pictures then a game following.. and I could have sworn during the game she showed.. so instead of going directly to my friends house as I had planned.. we made a pit stop at home.. just to check.. and change clothes if necessary and plug of course.. but again.. nothing.. So at this juncture, I am just guessing I have to have ovulated later than I thought. My temps don't correlate with that.. but what's a girl to do?? Fairly certain I am not pregnant.. so my guess is that she will be here in the AM. Maybe probably.. well most likely.. I o'd a day later than we thought. I might test.. but they failed me miserably the first pregnancy.. so I don't put much faith in them.. but then again,, I have three.. so what the hell right?

Feeling her draw near.. I have gone ahead and put into motion getting surgery scheduled. I went to the seminar and got that out of the way. I called the insurance company and inquired about getting my approval transferred to the new doc.. and was told that it was covered and shouldn't be a problem to transfer .. so all I gotta do now is talk to the insurance lady in the new doc office and give her the number to call and get it set up and approved blah blah.. then set up my consultation and I am guessing at the consult they will set up a surgery date.. which I was told was booking at 3-4 weeks out.. so its very possible I will be going under the knife in less than two months.. possibly late Sept early Oct. That will be here before I know it.


This time a week ago.. I put my doggie out in the back yard as usual and commenced with daily routines. Kenobi, my dog, stays out at night.. and mostly all day in doors with us--me. Well Sunday when we went down to let him in.. he just sat there at the fence,, not waiting at the door and having a coronary wanting in. So hubby left him out.. thought well.. he's all comfy.. no biggie. An hour or so later, I sent my son down to let him in.. and he came in .. but didnt' follow him upstairs.. I told my husband something was up and he went to check on him.. came back up and said.. yep.. he's sick.. he's got diarrhea bad.. So we commenced to giving him a bath and he just kinda laid around. So I made an appt the next day to bring him in. I took him by after picking my son up from school. He had a 105 temp and was so lethargic it wasn't even funny. Not to mention he did a nice poop job on me right then and there.. OMG I thought I was gonna choke it smelled so bad.. ( yeah.. you wanted to know that much information right?). So they proceed to do the workup blah blah.. and say.. we're keeping him overnight.. well that one night turned into three .. but in the end I got a better pup. He's back to his old self and humping the cat with unbiased enthusiasm every time she enters the house! Its good to have him back.. minus the vet bill..

I just thought I would make mention of the yummy cucumber sandwiches I had this afternoon. I have a good friend that sells home interior and she had an open house this afternoon so I went by there to sit with her for a while.. and she had the yummiest cucumber sandwiches.. the only bad thing about cucumbers ... that is also a con in the bell pepper eatery as well.. is the aftertaste.. err should I say the revisitation(yes I know that's not a real word.. but hey.. it gets my point across) of the "flavor".. even the slightest little bitty burp.. will bring back the memoirs!!

I will try to update a little sooner than this next time... of course I am sure that I will have something to report about AF in the next couple days.. therefore making me do the replacement dreams dance .. from babies right now.. to being skinny for the first time in my life.. well maybe not skinny.. but at least no longer overweight. Replacing dreams isn't so bad.. I mean,, its not like I am giving up a dream.. just pursuing a different one for the time being. Eventually I know I will realize most if not all of my dreams.... and I have to go back to the old saying a professor once said. "Patience is not a virtue.. but rather, a skill." Well I have certainly mastered it.. to say the least!

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning.....

Well here it is.. we are about to embark on something new and leave something old behind.. and start anew on my road. Here I am... thinking that I may not ovulate this time.. my body knowing that this is my last chance for a good long while to conceive a child.. and with my luck figured it would fail me. Much to my surprise I started getting the signs that the egg was about to make her appearance.. all in the same time as I got a head cold.. lovely! So the past few days have been spent mulling about feeling quite miserable being stopped up, unable to breath clearly, and keeping coughs to a minimum .. you know those yuck ass coughs! Amazingly, I haven't been able to sleep... normally if I can get comfortable for just a few then I am out like a light.. but not this time!! So sleep evades me at the moment.. getting a sense of my luck here? lol

So, one of the endings that is part of a new beginning for me is that my son started Kindgergarten a couple weeks ago.. No longer my little baby.. not even a toddler.. a little boy.. growing in leaps and bounds.. I can't believe that he is five years old .. I can remember sniffing his head as he lay on my chest as a baby after a bath and just being so small.. seems like yesterday...oh how I long for that again. So many people tried giving advice,, as they will do.. about don't hold him too much.. don't let him sleep with you.. etc etc.. but we did what we wanted.. and made sure that the "baby" time was filled with all the things we couldn't do later.. ie.. the holding all the time.. I held him as much as he would let me.. and savored every moment.. He was still crawling ahead of time and walking at 9 months... so that wasn't slowed down..and boy we are so thankful every day that we did.. cause yeah, we get hugs and stuff now.. but it isn't the same as HOLDING them.. or them being so small when you do. He also slept with us till he was 3.. and it took all of two whole nights for him to love being in his new room in our new house.. so not worried about him being in the bed with us when he's in high school.

All the other "advice" we were given were taken with a grain of salt and we raised our baby, as ours.. not someone else's.. which is the way it should be.. unless of course you are neglecting your child or abusing them.. then some outside influence is justified.. but otherwise,, that is your child.. your gift from above.. do your best and always be loving and kind.. so they will know to too. We must not have done a bad job with him afterall.. he is very polite, and almost always.. well mannered ( always would just be a flat out lie.. but almost always) and the tons of TV we have allowed him to watch of pbs.. well he's just a smart kid for that. So today is his first full day.. and we got up showered and talked about lunch and all that jazz.. I figure he will come home starved cause he's going through a picky phase at the moment. It won't be long I will be leaving out to pick him up and hear all about his day.. and do it all over again tomorrow and then throw in some soccer practice twice a week and we're golden! Wow.. he's playing sports already too.. Where has my baby gone?


Another page to be turned soon is that of another child or surgery.. somehow my gut has been leading me on my way to thinking its gonna be surgery. I have my seminar for this new doc tomorrow night.. might as well get that out of the way.. everything out of the way except for setting a surgery date.. and be done with it. I don't know what it is about this time around.. or the pains I had yesterday.. but it felt like I was popping an egg the size of my exercise ball!! I haven't cramped like that EVER! I had to lay down for a while for it to even begin to subside. Even then it wasn't gone totally. God, if this is your way of telling me this is it,, then THANKS!

I am quite nervous about the prospect of having surgery.. many thoughts go through my head about my psyche afterwards.. even though I have plenty need to be in some kind of therapy.. I think I am pretty level headed most of the time, but all of this becoming a reality .. me actually being thin... something I have never experienced.. just kinda rocks my world.. I worry about that. Hmm I feel another blog coming on for that torment!

Again, here we sit,, a growing child entering the "world" so to speak.. leaving his days at home with mom behind... and here I am .. sitting on the brink of conception and surgery. These next couple of weeks should prove to be quite interesting .. to say the least........

The List.. ehh the beginning anyways...

The past few days I have been reading a lot.. on ttc boards and blogs, naturally.. and I don't know if there is something in the air.. or the clomid is driving me batty.. but on a few of them.. I have been indirectly offended, directly offended and had my mouth drop to the floor gasping WTF??? So in an effort to get this off my chest.. I have decided to compile a list... a list of pet peeves and opinions. Here we go!

1. Well.. the first thing I have a problem with.. is people imposing their beliefs onto someone else. What started this indirect offense was a political debate on one of my boards. I was ok, happily reading everyone's opinions on which person should or shouldn't be our next president.. when several girls popped up and said.. well I want to vote for Bush because I am against gay marriages. OK.. I understand that you don't agree with it.. totally ok with that.. but my problem is your excuse for wanting to ban it. One girl in particular had stated previously that she was quite promiscuous and basically went through a football team in her rebellious stage.. but she didn't want gay marriage because of "family values". Now I have to ask, what does two people you don't know, don't deal with on a daily basis, have to do with your family values?? Its not society's responsibility to instill family values in your children or your family.. its our jobs as parents.. It has absolutely nothing to do with the marrying of people of the same gender. EVEN if they weren't allowed to get married, they are gonna continue living as a couple.. and really.. probably even have some sort of committment ceremony at some point,, the only thing they want from a marriage is the legality of it.. and to have the same rights as other couples.. err I should say hetero couples. Maybe I am just too liberal or something but I can't wrap my mind around how allowing gay couples to marry can affect ones own personal family value system. Its not like allowing that will change the nations values.. I believe it actually increases the value of human beings as just that.. human beings.. who want to love, live and laugh the same as everyone else.. but not punishing them for who they fell in love with. Seriously.. I have thought and thought and thought some more about how allowing gay couples to marry would affect me.. and simply enough.. it just doesn't. It wouldn't even matter to me if they lived next door to me. The only thing that would offend me is if they were doing it out in the front yard.. and even then I wouldn't particularly care if a hetero couple were doing that.. its just wrong.. not so much for me to see but the possibility that my child will see it. I mean do we as individuals really let other peoples decisions affect how we live?? I realize that maybe some of you don't agree with me and want to ban this amendment.. and as much as I try to see your side I just can't understand for the life of me why it matters. If its about you and how you live... that's a personal problem.. why are you allowing someone else to affect your values? As much as some would like to think, there will ALWAYS be gay couples/people. Unless there is some unknown genocide planned to rid us of all gay people.. and then who in the world would own up to it now? I totally get it if they are shoving their opinions and beliefs in your face... yes.. I get that.. the whole reason for this being number one.. but 9 times out of 10.. they are in your face.. just wanting the same rights.. You may be asking at this point why this is an indirect offense to me.. well .. my sister is gay.. and while I support her and her lifestyle.. I am not by far an activist.. and she can tell you.. I just don't get involved.. simply.. its not my fight.. but that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on it.. or am hurt that people don't want to let them live as they want.

So, what I wanted to try to do was make an arguement for the "ban" side. I wouldn't even know where to start. You could say.. family values.. but I think I just argued this.. and again it comes down to whether or not you allow outside influences to affect your own personal beliefs and those you instill in your children.. and if you do.. then its not the gay populations fault, its a personal problem you have. Also,, if that is the "main" arguement against this, then why is it that my son is totally normal, respectful, loving, caring, giving, and all around good little boy if its so "contaminating" to the society?? I mean, afterall, he does have an Aunt who is gay.. and is planning on getting married this coming week.. HMMMm.. I guess the answer would be that his parents taught him their family values, their compassion, their kindness to all humans.. he isn't affected.. and surely he would be wouldn't he.. I mean being that close to it and all right?? Yeah,, ok.. don't buy it. In the end,, what right do we have to tell other people how to live?? They live their lives, you live yours.. it really is as simple as that.

OK.. I know I probably just lost a few readers for my stance on that.. but that's ok.. its your right.. but if you want to continue.. rest assured that I don't go on rants like this often or even once in a blue moon.. but with it being so in my face the past few days.. well I had to get that out.

2. Putting two together in this one. I have no problem whatsoever with people having opinions.. hell I have my own.. as you may have noticed.. haha.. Its when those people are just out and out hateful to those with differing opinions. For instance,, in the past two days.. one blogger has managed to offend me a couple of times. Even with that, I am torn on whether I continue reading and possibly offering support when needed after she's done this. I mean would she even respect or appreciate me if she knew we had opposite views on certain things? First of all.. I can get on board with the whole popular baby names.. when one catches on its blazes through like a brush fire in the desert.. and this is minor,, but insinuating that EVERY one who uses that name used it for one particular reason, is absurd. My kid does have the name of a town, but it was in no way an tribute to that town or the state in is in. Hell I have only been in the state via means of one of the international airports! Naturally, when we picked this name,, well I should say when I picked this name.. nearly five years before he was even a thought, the name wasn't popular at all.. not out of the ordinary, just not terribly common. For some unique-ness, as a lot of people do, we picked an uncommon middle name, Storm. This in part is because I have always always LOVED thunderstorms and LOVE rain. Which incidentally will be my daughters middle name.. should I have one.. Raine.. something we picked out years ago.. So, while I may fall into the category of giving my child a "unique" name.. I think it quite unfair to assume that we did it to be trendy.. our names were picked in way that meant something to both of us. So there...

Another offense and "group" I got piled into was that of the owner of an SUV. There are many SUV owners out there that fit this description.. but and asshole .. I am not.. unless that is your provoke me. You already know what kind of truck I drive,, as stated in my last post.. but I have to say that .. I picked this truck not only because it looked great.. but because it was the smoothest riding SUV I have ever been in. This includes the high end suv's seen on the road as well. I don't go barrelling down the highway wasting all the gas the world has to offer, in fact even with the gas prices being what they are these days.. I only use roughly 32-35 bucks to fill up.. and that is EVERY TWO WEEKS! So, I have to ask,, are the people that are driving around in their non asshole cars filling their tanks on an average weekly basis with only 15 bucks?? If you are,, yay for you.. but don't lump everyone who drives an SUV into the category of asshole. I am a conscientious driver who only drives when I have to. When I do drive for pleasure.. I am puttering around on some back road.. barely hitting the 35 mph mark. Now in then anti SUV defense, I agree that a lot of people DO abuse the SUV availability. Like the wives that have the largest passenger seating ones that are lone drivers.. or only have one kid or something like that.. I think that irresponsible, and they need to downsize. I can only imagine what their gas costs them a week. I am here to tell you that in my mid size SUV.. we use every inch of it.. and could probably find use if there were more space. I also will agree to the absolutely and totally useless SUV's that are simply for status symbol purposes only.. ie.. the H2.. I can't imagine what purpose that would serve the every day man, other than to say.. Look how great I am that I spent a fortune buying this and now spend a fortune just to drive it from one end of town to the other! So, while there are definitely two sides to the coin of SUV drivers and non drivers.. let's just agree to disagree and realize that not everyone that owns one is a BAD BAD person..


3. My final on today's list.. people who have little to no money, complaining about having little to no money and spending that said money on frivilous items and borrowing money to live on. This drives me nuts! Sure everyone can do as they please and spend their money how they please.. but come on.. if you are gonna be ignorant in your spending then don't turn around and complain about it!! Ya know,, when it gets tight around here,, we dont' spend one red cent that isn't necessary to our day to day living. I just don't understand how someone who is down to their last few bucks decides to spend that on an outing instead of going to the store to buy what groceries they can with it. Ok.. I will even give the argument that you shouldn't be good to yourself every once in a while and treat yourself.. but is it me.. or what.. but when you don't have the money.. wouldn't that be better saved to enjoy when you can afford it?? I mean please don't spend your last 30 bucks on going to the water park on the weekend and then turn around and ask me for 50 bucks to buy your groceries for the week!! COMMON SENSE PEOPLE!! Anybody get what I am saying here?? AHH that feels good to get out!

Well I think that will wrap up today's list.. I am sure to have other lists before its all said and done.. Now I will go and read other blogs.


Edited to say: After having read a few of my blogs just now, I realize that one of them is very similar to one of the things on my list.. just wanted to say.. this blog is not what I was referring to, just wanted to make that clear as to not offend anyone.. Also, I really had no intention of offending anyone with my list today.. Naturally everyone is gonna have a different perspective on some of the same issues, and that's part of what this country is all about.. Your right to feel whatever way you want about those issues. My attempt at writing this today was to try and understand better these things.. not offend.

I Don't.. I Won't... Promise Not to Sing

How many of us turn to music as a place of solitude in our worst of moods and even in our best? I do. No doubts about it. I can be in the most gawd awful mood or depressed even and pop in one of my fave CD's and blare it as loud as possible and put the windows down and just drive. Somehow this rebirth usually only happens when I am driving.

Today, I got up early to drive to meet my mother at our half way point because she had bought her grandson some school clothes (she always hits the sales.. I never know they are even happening). So we climb in my truck, oh how I love my truck,, my Trailblazer to be exact,, I can't believe its even mine. I have wanted one of these since they came out.. and never thought I would own one.. and here I sit, the owner of a Trailblazer! woohoo!! Anyways, our other car is what DH drives to work and the truck is what I tool around town in for errands and taking DS to ball practice and starting Monday.. to school. He, however, took the truck to work with him yesterday cause I didn't have anywhere to go. Well.. normally when I get back into the truck after he has driven it I get blasted with whatever CD he has been listening to, which, normally doesn't bother me,, cause they are generally mine anyways. The funny thing about it sometimes though is that he listens to one of my two fave bands, which he "pretends" not to like because I think the lead singer is hot! Well that was the CD that was playing when we hopped in this AM. So I listen all the way through and decide to put in my other fave band and jam to that.

I realize half way through one of my favorite tracks that this song says everything about how I feel about my body failing me for the past three years in this baby business. I am going to share a verse and chorus with you.. and when you read, just picture the "she" as my body,, as it were. ok.. here goes:

She said I am only telling half of it
That's probably cause its only half worth telling
And every time I try to laugh it off
Thats when we turn around and wind up yelling

When am I gonna learn?
Why? Cause I am tired of hating
When will it be your turn?
Why? Cause I am tired of waiting

I Don't.. I Don't.. I Don't

No I don't find faith in your false feelings
Not fooled by your misleadings
Won't buy this line your selling
Tired of this lie your telling

No I won't,, I don't.. I won't do this anymore

Now to give credit where credit is due.. those are partial lyrics to Nickelback .. and ironically enough the title of that CD is THE LONG ROAD! who knew?? Certainly not me..

For some reason, today singing along with those lyrics only made me think of how those words are so perfect to say to my body.. All the false hope I have had about having ovulated all those times, all those misleading symptoms.. the lie it keeps telling me that next month will be the month.. and yeah.. she's right.. this story does only seem half worth telling sometimes. I am really really truely tired of waiting and hating. As if I could avoid it without being a recluse in my own home, which I do tend to be sometimes, just for the avoidance of walking into the openess where there are other women walking about as they please.. all kinds of pregnant and rotund with their ever expanding bellies, count em.. I saw THREE today in less than two minutes of entering the restuarant where I met my mom. Normally I look them in the face, try to get a vibe about whether or not they appreciate this gift they have been given,, and how many other times they have had it.. but today.. not today.. I couldn't even look at the first one above their knees..

Alas, even as I entered the world today, I did come home feeling better having jammed ( yes I know this word is SOOO 80's.. but it fits ..) both of my fave CD's.. all the way there and back.. and having my son say.. TRACK 1 AGAIN! or TRACK 6 AGAIN! Or any other song that caught his attention we would replay it a couple times, till I could persuade him to move on to the next,, ya know.. give it a try.. you might like it too! I managed to gain my senses again.. and feel.. at least for the time being.. whole again.

The past few days have just been utter misery. I think that the impending failure of this cycle brings so much more afterwards that I have just made myself a wreck. I swear, if the wind blew the wrong way on me this week, I cried. Yes.. I am still sane enough to realize that this is probably just the clomid working overtime, but again it sucks ass! So this week in tow, I have seen better days.. and hope that next week holds something better for my emotional frailty.

On a brighter note, I know I haven't talked much about my son, but bear with me while I do a little braggin. Please note I am NOT a big time mommy bragger, so this is one of the few times that you will even hear me talk about the wonder that is my child. First off, I know that all parents are biased about their own children.. which is FINE.. no biggie.. but I really do try to be objective about his capabilities and knowledge. So that being said, a little learning history about him. He was efficient at surfing the web by 18 months( yes I typed in the address but he navigated his way through the site). As he turned two, we found that he could read certain sight words/action words that he used online. By two and a half he had an incredible list of words that he could read, oh and lets not forget numbers at least to 100. With little to no prodding, using only the computer and watching buttloads of pbs kids, he taught himself how to read and started on spanish just last year.. by himself. He's also got a bright spot for doing elementary math. He starts Kindergarten on Monday, and while my heart breaks that he grew up so fast,, I know he will be totally in the environment that he loves..he LOVES to learn.. and I love that. I already have expected that teachers would take notice of this fairly quickly (as was proven to me by his first three days in pre school in which I was told to GET THIS CHILD TESTED!) and so I went about making a call to the school and talked to someone about his grade placement and what would be done when it was obvious that he was advanced in these areas. Check! Well, as he is always amazing me with his wit and charm and undying love, we were sitting at the dinner table last night and had hamburger steaks to eat. I have to have Worchestershire Sauce with mine or it just isn't worth eating. Being the curious soul he is.. he asked me what kind of sauce that was.. so I showed him the word and told him to try and read it. I kinda winked at my husband and we grinned knowing that he would give it his best effort but would surely come up with some gobbilty gook pronounciation of it. He picked up the bottle, studied it for about a minute and promptly said it.. not only did my just turned FIVE year old READ this horrendous word.. he actually pronounced it correctly AND better than some adults I have heard say it. Our mouths just kinda dropped and as soon as we gathered our senses, congratulated him and gave him big kudos. Now don't get me wrong I have been continually amazed at my child's accomplishments, but this one just blew me away. The scary part about it all is he knows OH SO MUCH MORE than we could even imagine at this point. God only knows what he will soak up in school.

OK.. so that's my mommy brag moment.. I won't do that again for a long while.

I do feel better as the day progresses, and I can plan the rest of my evening. What to clean and what to cook... ahh breathe out ... breathe in....

Count this down for another day.

oh PS.. Thank god for Nickelback being around, otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself now that Creed is no longer.. sigh... Just in case you were wondering who the other CD was.. well now you know!


Edited to add: I know that many of you, maybe even a few of you that are struggling with infertility are in your own personal misery each day you don't even have one child, and I hope that I don't come across as ungreatful for the one I do have. I do adore him more than words and he is what makes up my life, along with my husband. I am forever blessed to have him and wouldn't trade the world for him. My longing for him to have a sibling is overwhelming and the fact that I may never be able to provide him that breaks my heart and soul, especially after yet another year passes and they are destined to be further apart in age and not know the closeness of having a brother or sister that is growing up close to you in age. I guess in some small sense I will feel like I haven't fulfilled all of our family's needs and wants if I am unable to produce another child. I can't help it,, it just is. I just wanted those still trying for their first to know that I don't discount my blessings when you are still waiting patiently for yours...... that's all....

Babies, Surgery and Paper Routes

The past few days have allowed me to come to a few realizations about my life as it is now and what the next year will hold for me.. So basically I have broken it down into a couple of scenarios.  These pretty much take up the next couple to three years of my life. 

First off, as I have mentioned before, I am a big girl.  Back around the time the bypass surgery was getting popular for overweight people, I was really wanting to have it done.  My son was about 8 months old and it would have been the perfect time for me to get it done.  We weren't gonna TTC for a while.. and the wait period after having the surgery and getting pregnant was 18-24 months.. So, I was gonna push for starting for #2 around the 18 month mark outta surgery.  Well, we went for consultation and was told I was a good candidate blah blah..and proceeded to wait for insurance approval.  I was told that it could be six to eight weeks before we heard anything... so I waited.. patiently.. and before I knew it.. it had been eight weeks.  So I broke down and called the office and she said, we haven't heard anything. So I called the insurance company itself and they told me they haven't received anything from the doctors office other than the consultation claim, which they paid.  Also during her time with me on the phone, she said that the procedure wasn't covered.  Well that dashed all my hopes right there.. so I gave up on the idea of ever having that done.  That I would struggle with my weight the rest of my life.  Whether I was big or small and struggling to not gain back an ounce.  So, I moved on.

In fact, we moved on.   Moved back (for my husband) to TN.  Went on about our business and a new year came rushing to greet us.  Only a few weeks before the new year, my husband was informed that they would be switching insurance companies effective January 1st.  It didn't even dawn on me what this could mean.  Actually, it took a little time before I realized it.  So, in my curiosity, I looked at the online coverage they provided.  GUESS WHAT?!?! The procedure was covered!! OMG! Now what? I am scared. I think I have reconsidered.  Let's not rush into anything.  Let's plan.. yeah.. that's what we'll do.. we'll plan first.  I am a planner afterall. 

I can't decide what I want to do. I think I want to try and do it myself.  So about the time I started exercising daily, I finally convinced my husband to start trying for our second child.  We decided that since I was UNdecided about surgery, that we would try to have a baby first then have the surgery afterwards.  That way they wouldn't be so far apart in ages.  Well those that have read my journey know I never imagined I would be sitting here three years later.. no sibling, no baby.  Well, last fall, I decided to quit charting and quit obsessing and go to a doc here and see where I stood on getting the surgery.  After that meeting, I called two weeks later, and was told that the procedure I wanted/needed wasn't covered, but the other one, was.  So, unsure of what to do, I put them off and said I would call when I had decided.  They are still waiting on my call..

So, the past two cycles have given me hope that I will be having a child in the early months of next year.  But knowing that my time on clomid is drawing to an end, I , well WE, have decided that if I am not pregnant this cycle, we are gonna stop and go in and have the surgery.  The whole reality of that scares the shit out of me.  In my mind I have never been able to comprehend my body being of normal average weight, only in my dreams.  The fact that it could actually happen has me dumbfounded.  There are so many things that scare me in regard to this surgery that its taken time for it to sink in.  Which it still hasn't totally.. but its getting there.. and I am starting to look forward to it. 

If I have surgery in the next couple months, that means that by this time next year I will be considerably smaller and closer to begin ttc again.  Which hopefully the weight loss in itself will fix a lot of my fertility problems and I will get a nice quick surprise.  We can hope right?!?

 
The other scenario that has my life planned for a good while is that I am successful this time and we do manage to get pregnant,,I will have a late April/May baby.. then I could schedule surgery for six months post partum.. and begin my "new body" life then. 

So now that I come to terms with what this cycle and the next few months hold for me.. I am at a point that I can't make heads or tails of my feelings.  I want so desperately to have a child that I can't see past that sometimes.  On the other hand, I want desperately to have surgery and when I do have another baby, be able to see my belly grow along the way.. as it is now, no one would be able to tell I was pregnant unless they could spot the pregnant waddle.  But the advantage to no one being able to tell means I can hide it from certain people (some family) for as long as I wanted.  So in an effort to be at peace with whatever happens at the end of this cycle, I have decided to focus on something else.  A paper route.

Yes, you heard me, a paper route.  See, I guess you may have guessed, or not, that I don't work outside the home.  I am a stay at home mom (sahm).  I have a bachelors degree that I don't use, and could if I just went to take the state boards for certification,,, to teach K-8.  My theory /belief is that I want to have my family and get them in school first then work on my career.  Because if I had waited to have kids till I was older, I might not be able to conceive.  Yes, a lot of women go that route and that's fine for them..I just know specifically now, what I have going against me, would only be made worse as I age.  And the fact that I been allowed to stay home and live comfortably on my husband's income, makes me very blessed.  Trust me, I don't take that for granted.  I say/give thanks every day for that.  I know how many women would love to be in my shoes. 

In a week, my son will enter kindergarten, and I will once again find myself alone during the day to do whatever chores begs of me that day.   I have been thinking now for some time, that once he started I would like to find a little part time job somewhere for a little extra money.  Maybe just live off my check and not touch my hubands in the bank, his would pay the bills, mine would be living money.  I want to feel like I contribute a little more to the house.  So, one of my husbands co workers used to do a paper route before he came in every morning, and now his wife does one.  So I started thinking that that sounded like a pretty good idea.  I would have to sacrifice sleeping at night with my husband, but at the same time, I wouldn't lose any quality time spent with him.  So it would work.   My only thing now is how in the world am I gonna temp?!?! LOL  I will figure something out I am sure, but hey, if anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to do this.. please let me know. 

So, I have my paper route to look forward to, the end of this cycle to see if I get a bfp, or moving on with surgery in the next couple months.  I have been uneasy about it all for a couple days, but now that I have something in my mind that is set, I look forward to all the possibilities that my immediate future holds for me.